The face I love.

I think this photo was taken eight years ago which would have made Katie fourteen.  She looks younger than that to me.  I can't remember where the black eye and fat lip came from;  there have been more than a few injuries over the years.  If you look closely you'll notice that a part of her one front tooth is missing.  That happened when she was at a horrible school for three nightmarish months.  Her aide, a truly stupid and incompetent woman, put somebody's else pants on Katie that were far too long and Katie fell and smashed her front teeth.  Both front teeth are now dead and she had to have two root canals which meant two general anesthetics.  This was the only awful aide Katie ever had in school.  The woman tied Katie's hands behind her back one day to feed Katie lunch and told me about it!  She thought it was a good idea.  WTF!  And the woman was not fired even after I complained to the principal.  That's when we found a new school for Katie with a wonderful program that allowed her to be herself. 

I like this photo better.  Same age, no bruises.  Katie's on the train at Fort Edmonton;  one of her favorite places on earth.  And she doesn't have that anxious look on her face that is now often the norm for her.  If I could erase Katie's anxiety I would.  It started with puberty and has not abated.  In fact it seems to get worse each year. 

I remember when Katie was a baby I tried to develop a formula that would tell me what Katie's mental age would be when she grew up.  I tracked her developmental delays and made elaborate formulas because I wanted to know what the future would hold.  All for naught.  I have a twenty-two year old daughter who can't talk but who never stops signing.  She has an amazing memory and sense of direction, as well as a fully developed sense of humor.  She can't tie her shoes or understand abstract concepts but she understands people.  She can't talk but everyone knows her name.  One year we were in Sylvan Lake for a holiday, about a hundred miles south of here, and a woman on the beach knew Katie by name. 

I've slowly come to the realization that I have no idea what life or the future will bring.  I see that everyday at work.  People are living their lives, working, fighting, laughing, loving and then boom, they have cancer.  Which reminds me of the poem by Robbie Burns, "To A Mouse". 

But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!

I'm older now and I realize I have virtually no idea what will happen in life except that it will end in death which is freeing in a way.  I don't have to fight so hard to make happen what I want to happen.  I can give up control and expectations, a little;  I'm not that wise yet.  But ever so gradually I'm learning to let go.  Maybe that's what life is for, to beat the expectations out of us so that we can learn to just be.

Turns out I partially dislocated a couple of my ribs when I fell a couple of weeks ago.  No wonder my back hurts so much;  the physio is helping though.  I've felt like a tired old woman this past month between the flu, falling and then another cold.  Things I rebounded from just years ago now take longer, or maybe that's just my imagination.  To be honest it's been a shitty year so far.  Shirley died.  Katie in and out of emergency with overdose, staph infection and then her biopsy.  The big guy and I were sick.  Bleeding for me and then falling.  News that Katie will have to move.

The good news is that both Katie's biopsy and mine came back fine.  And the snow has mostly melted and we can hear the geese outside the open windows, honking as they fly overhead.  We have a beautiful little granddaughter who positively twinkles with energy.  I love people who twinkle, not everyone does but I have patients who twinkle.  It feels like energy comes out of them, you feel better around them.  I can't explain it any better than that.

This morning is Katie's last day of Special Olympics Bowling until the fall.  It's been difficult with Katie these past few months probably because things of been different.  She doesn't do well with different, neither do I.  Just last weekend we were late to pick her up for bowling because of a huge snowstorm.  When we arrived Katie was getting a second bath because of a huge poop so we were late to bowling and I could not get all of the snow off of her wheelchair for the bowling alley.  We decided to just watch the bowlers rather than drip on the bowling alley, something which is deeply frowned upon.  Then we went out for lunch to McDonalds instead of to the mall, at Katie's request, and then we had to buy her groceries.  Nothing hugely different, all things we've done before but not all on the same day.  It was too much for her and she reacted poorly, screaming, crying, throwing herself first on the ground in the snow and then inside her house.  She started banging her head against the wall when we got her into the house.  Again nothing different, she does this, but it upsets me as well.  Last Sunday was not a good day.

Today the sun is shining, the snow has melted, we will stick to the plan, no deviations.  I remember when Katie lived at home how difficult that was for me, no deviations.  Life was always the same as much as possible because that's what worked for Katie.  Dinner time, bedtime, outings, no changes.  It worked for the most part but left the rest of my family and me, hostage to a small, disabled girl.  I'm not sorry but it was hard.  As much as I miss caring for Katie, I am also thankful that I no longer care for Katie day in and day out.  Now I can be her mother instead of just her caregiver.  I do miss tucking her into bed at night though, watching her face when she's sleeping, the anxiety erased from her face in sleep.  Such is life though.  Compromises.

Things I'm thankful for today.

Grandbabies, even if they are step-grandbabies, she's still my grandbaby.

I love reflections;  they seem like a gift. 

I'm sick again today.  Sore throat, achy, snotty, coughing and my back is still very sore from falling last weekend.  Gaaaaah!  I will live.  It's only a small virus.

Got the news today that Katie's mole was just a mole.  No melanoma!  I am so thankful.  Seems appropriate news for the International Happiness Day. 

That's all I got.  Back to dragging my ass around the apartment.

Jasper

 

Pyramid Lake

 

 

Medicine Lake

Pyramid Lake

 

Athabasca River

 

Columbia Icefield, although you can't see the glacier because of the low cloud and blowing snow.

 

We had a good time and enjoyed all manner of weather in the forty-eight hours we were there.  Spring in the mountains.  Unfortunately I slipped on the ice at Athabasca Falls and hurt my ass and back, as well as breaking the filter on my camera. I was walking like a very old lady yesterday but feel better today.  My back where I landed on my camera hurts the most.  I am most thankful that I didn't break any bones, or my lens for that matter. 

Katie is doing well, having some pain but is okay.  The dermatologist took out a good sized chunk of skin including the mole.  Poor thing.  We hold her down, poke her with needles and then leave a hole on the side of her thigh.  She must wonder why. 

Things I worry about.

Katie and her roommate aren't getting along.
Katie's mole which keeps growing and changing, seeing Dr. Dickhead the dermatologist tomorrow.  Maybe he won't be such a giant dickhead tomorrow.
I've had two endometrial biopsies in eight months.  Post menopausal bleeding is not cool.
Upcoming sigmoidoscopy.  Rectal bleeding is not cool.
My son graduates next month and now he has to find a job, with a criminal record.
Looking for a house for me and the big guy.
Feeling old when I was sick a few weeks ago.



Things I'm thankful for today.

The big guy is coming with me and Katie tomorrow to see Dr. Dickhead.  Katie has backup.  I don't call him the big guy for nothing. 
Warm and sunny today.
Leaving for the mountains tomorrow after Katie sees the doctor.
The big guy suggested Katie could live in my condo and we could buy a new house. I like to have a Plan B.
Spring is coming.
Friends.
And hugs.
My son is graduating with his degree in business!  I'm so proud of him.
Planning our summer holidays.  Vancouver Island, Tofino, Clearwater and more lovely places.
I'm not sick anymore and I have my old energy back.
I have enough money to buy a house.
A good man.


Update,  the doctor was nice and the mole has been removed!  Thankfully the big guy is strong enough to hold Miss Katie down.