Turns out I partially dislocated a couple of my ribs when I fell a couple of weeks ago.  No wonder my back hurts so much;  the physio is helping though.  I've felt like a tired old woman this past month between the flu, falling and then another cold.  Things I rebounded from just years ago now take longer, or maybe that's just my imagination.  To be honest it's been a shitty year so far.  Shirley died.  Katie in and out of emergency with overdose, staph infection and then her biopsy.  The big guy and I were sick.  Bleeding for me and then falling.  News that Katie will have to move.

The good news is that both Katie's biopsy and mine came back fine.  And the snow has mostly melted and we can hear the geese outside the open windows, honking as they fly overhead.  We have a beautiful little granddaughter who positively twinkles with energy.  I love people who twinkle, not everyone does but I have patients who twinkle.  It feels like energy comes out of them, you feel better around them.  I can't explain it any better than that.

This morning is Katie's last day of Special Olympics Bowling until the fall.  It's been difficult with Katie these past few months probably because things of been different.  She doesn't do well with different, neither do I.  Just last weekend we were late to pick her up for bowling because of a huge snowstorm.  When we arrived Katie was getting a second bath because of a huge poop so we were late to bowling and I could not get all of the snow off of her wheelchair for the bowling alley.  We decided to just watch the bowlers rather than drip on the bowling alley, something which is deeply frowned upon.  Then we went out for lunch to McDonalds instead of to the mall, at Katie's request, and then we had to buy her groceries.  Nothing hugely different, all things we've done before but not all on the same day.  It was too much for her and she reacted poorly, screaming, crying, throwing herself first on the ground in the snow and then inside her house.  She started banging her head against the wall when we got her into the house.  Again nothing different, she does this, but it upsets me as well.  Last Sunday was not a good day.

Today the sun is shining, the snow has melted, we will stick to the plan, no deviations.  I remember when Katie lived at home how difficult that was for me, no deviations.  Life was always the same as much as possible because that's what worked for Katie.  Dinner time, bedtime, outings, no changes.  It worked for the most part but left the rest of my family and me, hostage to a small, disabled girl.  I'm not sorry but it was hard.  As much as I miss caring for Katie, I am also thankful that I no longer care for Katie day in and day out.  Now I can be her mother instead of just her caregiver.  I do miss tucking her into bed at night though, watching her face when she's sleeping, the anxiety erased from her face in sleep.  Such is life though.  Compromises.