My first flower of the year; a tiny little crocus.

I had my ultrasound shockwave therapy yesterday.  It was painful but not too painful to have it.  My foot feels better already so I'm a fan.  I also made an appointment for next Friday as well.  I'm back to work on Monday, two hours of nursing work and the rest of my shift confirming patient appointments, at a desk.  The big guy has told me that I make sure I don't walk more than 3000 steps which is what the podiatrist ordered, or there will be hell to pay.    

The time off has been nice; although the sore foot made me cranky, it was nice to have time to breathe.  Taxes got done, paperwork got sorted and put away and we made a lot of trips to Wetaskiwin to visit my in-laws which was nice.  My father in law is doing better.  He's a tough old bird. 

Jack had swimming lessons this morning and then we went out for lunch and a drive in the country because that's the best way to get him to fall asleep.  We came across these deer browsing in a field.  After his nap, we'll take him to the dog park for a walk and then he has to go back to his mom's.  Sigh.  At least this time he didn't have a diaper rash although there were issues with Gracie not answering her door and I had to get hold of her mom to get Gracie to open the door for us.  

We're watching "Flack" right now on Prime and the main character is called Robin;  Robin's mom is an addict and a narcissit and reminded me so much of Gracie when we watched the episode last night.  It's a tough way to grow up and usually results in damage.  The character Robin is a trainwreck and it's painful to watch at times.  It hits a bit too close to home.

I'm looking forward to spending time with my daughter, her partner, Jack and my hubby in the mountains in five weeks time.  It's been too long since I've seen the mountains.

We took Jack to his swimming lessons on Saturday and then after he had a nap, we took him to the dog park.  Last year he wasn't big enough to climb up on this rock but this year he is.  The photo makes it look like we're in the middle of nowhere when in fact we're a short walk from the parking lot.  There is a hill behind him and what looks like trees in the far distance are actually just the tops of the trees, not that far away.  Perspective.

I read yesterday about despair which made me think about depression.  I feel much better now but when I'm depressed my perspective suffers severely.  When I am depressed, my brain tells me it is forever, that there is no hope, that every day will be this awful.  And then my brain starts dragging all kinds of awful things towards me, building a nest of sorts made up of death, hurt, pain, tears, rejection, anger, sadness and every hurtful thing I've ever said and every hurtful thing that has been said to me.  Anger is a hallmark of my depression because my brain likes to think it protects me and in a way it does because when I am depressed, I am vulnerable.  My dad was the same.  Anger is big, anger protects, anger keeps others away so they can't hurt me.  

And when my depression lifts, I have perspective again.  Nothing is forever.  Today is lovely.  People try to do their best, even when their best falls short, they have tried.  We all make mistakes and that's okay.  We all need more love.  Being vulnerable is okay.  Letting people in allows more love, both the getting of love and the giving of love.  There is good in the world and there is hope.  Good people exist and there is kindness all around us, if we only take the time to notice it.

My brain is a strange place to live but it's the only home I've ever known.

Yesterday I worked at the rental, painting and pulling up flooring.  I think the wall colour turned out nicely.  It's a soft grey which will be a shade lighter in the bathroom.  We're still waiting for the contractor to come back and pull up all the old flooring and put in the new flooring.  I had some anger issues around Jack yesterday so hard work was in order.  I felt much better afterwards.

We're taking Jack to the mountains in June for the first time, so we wanted him to have some experience eating in a restaurant.  With the pandemic, he hasn't gotten much practice.  We went to IHOP which I think he thought was not a real name, because why would you call a restaurant I Hop.  We hopped into the place and he did well.  He's always happy to be with his poppa and poppa is always happy to be with him.

I had to take Katie to the doctor's this morning, just for a check up and blood reqs, nothing bad.  She did well and was just so happy.  She still sees the same doctor who delivered her thirty years ago, which means I've been going to my doctor for over thirty years.  We also stopped at the dog park to watch the dogs and got ice cream after her visit.  Then we stopped at the grocery store to buy a helium filled balloon.  She was a happy girl.

I left Heidi out of her kennel because we keep trying to trust her out of her kennel when we're out.  Sometimes she's okay and sometimes she's not.  I never did find all the pieces of either the rabbit or the army man.  I'm guessing they'll turn up in the backyard at some point, covered in dog poop:)

Jack starts swimming lessons again tomorrow which he'll enjoy and which we'll enjoy watching.  I don't have to go in the water this time.  We'll probably go out for a long walk too because it's sunny and all the snow has melted again.  It's beautiful out and my bulbs are starting to burst out of the ground.  I can't wait for my flowers.  They make me happy.  
 

We had some snow last night, nothing terrible, just mother nature reminding us what's what.

I saw the podiatrist this morning and I'll be off until mid May and then a slow return to work.  I'm fine with that.  My foot is slowly starting to feel better but when I talked to the doctor about some of the stretches that I'm doing, how they hurt my big toe, she told me that it's because of the arthritis in those joints and that I should concentrate on stretching my achilles and calf muscles instead.

We pick up Jack after I pick the big guy from work.  Somethings going on with Gracie because she wouldn't answer my text messages and now we're going to pick Jack up at her mom's place instead of her apartment.  I smell bullshit.

Other than that, not much.  I saw this quote yesterday and realized I need to take up paper plane making:)

Last week was a shit week but my father in law has recovered from his bout of pneumonia.  A week ago Sunday, everyone gathered around his hospital bed to say their goodbyes and on Monday he woke up and was hungry.  He's much better, although still very weak.  I told him that he was at death's door and the doctor was trying to pull him though;  he smiled.  Yesterday when we visited him, I brought him some of the lemon dessert I had made for Easter supper and he ate it, smiling all the while.

I'm struggling with depression again/still.  I hate depression with a burning passion.  It sucks all the color out of life and makes me cry daily.  Worrying about Jack doesn't help either.  When we drop off Jack with his mother now, I find that I am pulling up walls around me to protect myself.  I imagine Jack can feel that too and I wonder if he thinks it's because of him.  I hope not.  Gracie is pleasantly unpleasant when we drop Jack off.  He cries when we tell him he has to go visit his mama and then becomes resigned.  It breaks my heart, watching a three year old become resigned.

I've decided we will not host a Ukrainian refugee family after all.  To be honest, and I need to be honest with myself, I don't have the emtional capacity to deal with someone else's grief right now.  Maybe in the future, but not now.  We thought a family was coming to us but they went to Saskatoon instead.  I've also noticed trolls popping up on the Facebook groups that I visit for refugees saying awful things and I can't handle that right now either.  I've left those groups.

On the plus side, I talked to my middle daughter for awhile yesterday and she told me about the last two years of her health problems and how her diagnosis came about.  She didn't tell anyone except her partner.  I couldn't have done that.  I tend to suffer out loud.  Right now she's doing well and I'm thankful for that.  

I'm still off work for at least two more weeks.  My sore foot isn't helping my mood.  I have a cane that I'm using, mostly just at night now when I get up.  The pain is subsiding and I see the podiatrist again this week.  One of the medications she ordered for the pain gave me insomnia and messed with my mood, which wasn't helpful at all.  I've stopped taking that and hopefully things will right themselves soon.

We also had a short visit with grandson #2, Charlie,for a bit on Friday.  He's a sweet little guy.

The sun is shining which helps me too.  I saw my first robin last week which means it's truly spring here.  My tomatoes are doing well.  The yard is dry enough for Jack to play outside now, which he loves.  It's been a long winter, for everyone.

 

It's been a busy few days.  We were down in Wetaskiwin three days in a row, sitting with my father in law, in the hospital, and Jack had his third birthday.  The wind blew hard as hell for 48 hours and now snowflakes are gently blowing about as they drift down from the sky.  

My husband is gutted.  His father is dying.  I feel gutted to, even though I knew it was coming, knowing and understanding are two very different things.  We know life ends, for everyone, including our parents and ourselves ultimately.  But sitting with someone as their life slowly slips away, that is a different kind of understanding. 

I will miss my father in law a great deal.  I've talked to him more in the last six years that I've know him than I talked to my own father in the thirty-seven years that I knew him.  My father in law has a wonderful sense of humor and I think even more importantly, he's not my father, so there is no baggage attached to our relationship, no old slights, no bad memories, no what ifs.  And he's not disappointed in me or how I turned out, there is no history with us, except for these past few years.  I've grown to love my inlaws which surprised me and also made me very glad to know that I still have space in my heart for more people, more loved ones.

Update, the antibiotics are working and my father in law is awake now.  He sat up and said he was hungry.  I'm thankful.

 

My tomato plants have survived the cat.  I moved them to a new counter that she can't access without pulling all of the plants down on top of herself.  I decided not to kill the cat:)  The plants won't go outside for another six or seven weeks so they'll have time to grow.  I also planted some echinacea which have come up and some pumpkin seeds that I saved from Halloween.  We'll see if they come up.  I think Jack would love to see the pumpkins growing.  He seems impressed by the tomatoes; he helped me plant them.  As for the echinacea, he just looks at me like I'm pulling his leg when I tell him the name.

This photo was taken last week and the snow has retreated even more since then.  Spring is here.  The geese have been arriving for weeks and the sun is high in the sky.  However, Jack believes that you do not have to go to bed if the sun is still up.  I have explained to him that the sun sets later in the spring and summer and that we have to go to bed while the sun is still up, even nana and poppa.

Last week when he was here, he opened up this drawer and was dragging stuff out because he said, "I make."  God I love that little boy.

We have a telephone meeting tonight about Gracie taking him unsupervised which will happen because her sister and mother are leaving town next week for a few weeks, another holiday.  Nothing I can do about it, it's been decided already and the phone call feels like a formality.  I feel sick to my stomach about it.  Probably not helping my stress.

We will insist that we still take Jack for three nights a week.  He has his daycare here and his friends which are important to him.  Gracie has arranged for him to go to another daycare close to where she lives.  I don't trust her or her judgement went it comes to him but I have to, at least until she fails.  I don't want her to fail but she hasn't been sober since Jack was a month old.  She did manage to stay sober while she was pregnant but I guess time will tell.  She still doesn't have a job.  She refuses to talk to us, like this is our fault somehow.  Deep breaths.

I'm off work now for four to six weeks.  I couldn't take the foot pain anymore on Monday so I saw my doctor on Tuesday who put me on leave for two weeks and told me to see a podiatrist.  Yesterday I saw the podiatrist who put me on leave for four to six weeks and told me to use a cane to lessen the strain on my left foot.  I'm to do twenty minutes of stretches a day and see her again in two weeks.  She also talked about shockwave therapy which sounds like it might hurt.

It's Jack's birthday on Saturday.  He'll be three years old.

And that's my life so far.  

Update, Lori, Jack's other grandma has covid now so she won't be going away and will be availabe to supervise Gracie when Jack starts staying overnight with his mom again.  I'm thankful.