Last week was a shit week but my father in law has recovered from his bout of pneumonia. A week ago Sunday, everyone gathered around his hospital bed to say their goodbyes and on Monday he woke up and was hungry. He's much better, although still very weak. I told him that he was at death's door and the doctor was trying to pull him though; he smiled. Yesterday when we visited him, I brought him some of the lemon dessert I had made for Easter supper and he ate it, smiling all the while.
I'm struggling with depression again/still. I hate depression with a burning passion. It sucks all the color out of life and makes me cry daily. Worrying about Jack doesn't help either. When we drop off Jack with his mother now, I find that I am pulling up walls around me to protect myself. I imagine Jack can feel that too and I wonder if he thinks it's because of him. I hope not. Gracie is pleasantly unpleasant when we drop Jack off. He cries when we tell him he has to go visit his mama and then becomes resigned. It breaks my heart, watching a three year old become resigned.
I've decided we will not host a Ukrainian refugee family after all. To be honest, and I need to be honest with myself, I don't have the emtional capacity to deal with someone else's grief right now. Maybe in the future, but not now. We thought a family was coming to us but they went to Saskatoon instead. I've also noticed trolls popping up on the Facebook groups that I visit for refugees saying awful things and I can't handle that right now either. I've left those groups.
On the plus side, I talked to my middle daughter for awhile yesterday and she told me about the last two years of her health problems and how her diagnosis came about. She didn't tell anyone except her partner. I couldn't have done that. I tend to suffer out loud. Right now she's doing well and I'm thankful for that.
I'm still off work for at least two more weeks. My sore foot isn't helping my mood. I have a cane that I'm using, mostly just at night now when I get up. The pain is subsiding and I see the podiatrist again this week. One of the medications she ordered for the pain gave me insomnia and messed with my mood, which wasn't helpful at all. I've stopped taking that and hopefully things will right themselves soon.
We also had a short visit with grandson #2, Charlie,for a bit on Friday. He's a sweet little guy.
The sun is shining which helps me too. I saw my first robin last week which means it's truly spring here. My tomatoes are doing well. The yard is dry enough for Jack to play outside now, which he loves. It's been a long winter, for everyone.
I love how your father in law and your younger grandson bookend this post in what feels like a hopeful way. How I wish Jack didn't have to get dropped off with his mother in the state she is, but he has you and the big guy, always. I hope the dark mood lifts soon. You know, there is depression and then there are legitimate concerns, of which you have a few. I wish I could ease your heart.
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ReplyDeleteGlad to hear that your father-in-law has delayed the inevitable for a good while yet. Little Charlie is looking into the camera and saying, "Grandma, I need you in my life!" If only everything was straightforward.
ReplyDeleteHow wonderful that your father in law has survived pneumonia. It's such an evil thing to have. I am also happy that your foot is better. Having accursed feet, I can totally sympathize with how much a bad foot affects one's life and one's desire to do anything requiring walking.
ReplyDeleteDepression does suck the joy out of life. Both my daughters suffer from it, one openly and one not so much. That's great news about your FIL! It would break my heart to see a 3 year old resigned to seeing his mother; it tells you something about their relationship. :( Little Charlie is adorable. Spring and nice weather always help my mood although the weeding can get onerous and hard on the back. Your poor foot!
ReplyDeleteSo glad that your FIL recovered, and recovered his appetite.
ReplyDeleteDoes Jack get to talk with a child therapist to help him deal with his situation? That might help him feel better about this emotional see-saw. I am so glad that you are in his life as a positive support.
You do have a gift for portraiture of the old and the young and in between. Love the photos of your father-in-law and Charlie. I know that the natural world will continue to provide the beauty that accompanies you through the ups and downs of the seasons of the year. I've always found spring to bring on a melancholy mood and low energy despite the fact that there is more light. When I was out walking yesterday, my sadness came to the surface along with joy at seeing mothers and fathers and babies, a Canada goose in her nest, a robin, and trees budding out everywhere. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteHe looks tired x
ReplyDeleteLittle darlin', it's been a long cold lonely winter...
ReplyDeleteYou know, your father-in-law looks pretty good, considering he almost died from pneumonia. And Charlie is a beautiful little boy.
As to the depression- you do have good reason for it but I know that good reasons can trigger the depression which is a whole other thing than simply appropriate concern and worry. It does indeed suck all of the color out of your life, not to mention the joy and peace and contentment. Are you getting medical help with that? I can't remember. I hope you are because it is as real and more debilitating than physical problems.
I wish I could hug, hug, hug you.
Your father in law has a beautiful smile.
ReplyDeleteSpring will lift your mood but as we both know, depression is the pits and makes it hard to find pleasure in anything. Be kind to yourself.
Have you tried rolling your foot on a golf ball? It helped a bit when I had PF.
These two male are looking good. As for you, sending bucket loads of get better wishes.
ReplyDeleteDepression, according to a radio program I heard this morning on my way to work, is literally painful. So be good to yourself while passing through it. As you know, it *will* pass.
ReplyDeleteIt would be heart-wringing to see such a small child not wanting to visit his mom, and having to.
Your father-in-law looks to be a gentle man. I'm so glad he pulled through and was able to enjoy some time with you both. And look at those eyes on little Charlie - another stunner! Take care of you too, though, remember!
ReplyDeleteMy daughter had a play date for William with another child. The mother called and said that there had been a change and that he had to go with his dad. When Brianna said that to me, William just wailed "I have to go with Dad?!!' It was fear. William has not seen his father for 6 years now.
ReplyDeleteGood, positive images of your father-in-law and grandson! Charlie certainly looks like he's curious about the world, doesn't he? I'm sorry about the depression, but at the risk of sounding glib, nothing is permanent -- right?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your FIL recovered. He has a sweet face. And Charlie is adorable!
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