Life sucks today.  Actually my life has not changed one iota, just my outlook.  I feel overwhelmed and sad and I wonder is it my stomach pills again?  Have I been taking too many?  Or is it just too much shit too deal with?  Crappy sleep?  The heat?  

My son keeps calling me.  He's living in a homeless shelter (cue the violins).  He left a message for me, "I don't want you in my life.  Don't contact me.  Blah, blah, blah."  The next day he calls and asks me to give his sister his phone number.  He keeps calling me, daily.  I accidently picked up the phone yesterday and he was telling me that he had an appointment with a social worker to work on seeing his son, his other son.  Then he calls again to say he's given up, he knows he'll never see his son again.  Never once does he mention Jack.  The bullshit continues.

My father in law is slowly fading.  We saw him today, and my mother in law.  So much unsaid drama there that my mother in law was standing and twitching.  I just can't.  I have to put up a wall around myself to protect myself from people like my mother in law and my son and then I feel bad about that.  I think the wall keeps out the good stuff too.  And maybe that's why I feel like crying and curling up today.

I don't have it bad, I know.  But some days feel bad.

View of downtown Vancouver from Kitsilano and the fish and chip foodtruck that we had lunch at.
 

My middle daughter and her nephew having fun.

We made it home last night, everyone exhausted, cranky and hungry, after two days of driving.  I spent the day doing laundry, putting everything away, vacuuming up the dog hair that was everywhere and washing the floors.  Our house sitter was seventeen so I didn't expect the floors to be clean, but she did a good job with everything else; the dogs were happy and the cat was still alive.  

Jack is so happy to be home.  He kept asking when we were going home.  He got to see lots and visited aunts and uncles but the best part of the trip for him was the swimming pool at the last hotel in Burnaby and hanging with poppa in the pool.  He's always been afraid to jump into a pool but with poppa in the pool (and a two year old girl who was jumping into the pool without fear) he did it.

I'm still tired and heading to bed shortly.  

Parksville beach

We're in Vancouver now, visiting my daughter.  Jack had a great time with his aunt and uncle which was nice to see.  We left after four hours though because my daughter was exhausted. I didn't know fatigue was such a huge part of MS.  My daughter's only thirty-two but you could see the exhaustion written across her face.  We'll see them again tomorrow. 

Jack has been a handful off and on throughout our trip.  I know it's hard for kids to be out of their routine,  completely out of their routine, and where nothing is familiar.  I just googled are four year olds difficult  and the answer is yes, which is a relief.   I always worry that his behavior is caused by trauma and fucked up parents.

Having Google to answer my questions is nice and not something that was available when my kids were little.  I gives me reassurance that I'm not doing a bad job of parenting this time round, that things are normal (ish).

I wonder how much of myself I hold back with Jack, afraid he'll be taken away, or afraid that after raising him, he'll be just like his parents.  My sister in law did point out to me that Jack would be just like his dad if I did nothing.

Who knows?  Certainly not me.

 Wickaninnish Beach last night. 

We went to Meares Island today, by water taxi.  There is beautiful,  old growth forest, on  this island. Jack had fun and no bones were broken, so a success.  He got his feet caught a few times in the boardwalk and fell, but nothing bad.

He was impressed by the size of the trees.  Some of the trees are two thousand years old.  We're lucky to be here and the weather is beautiful. 

We made it just fine.  The logging roads were not bad at all.
 

 I'm also thankful for rain.