Life sucks today. Actually my life has not changed one iota, just my outlook. I feel overwhelmed and sad and I wonder is it my stomach pills again? Have I been taking too many? Or is it just too much shit too deal with? Crappy sleep? The heat?
My son keeps calling me. He's living in a homeless shelter (cue the violins). He left a message for me, "I don't want you in my life. Don't contact me. Blah, blah, blah." The next day he calls and asks me to give his sister his phone number. He keeps calling me, daily. I accidently picked up the phone yesterday and he was telling me that he had an appointment with a social worker to work on seeing his son, his other son. Then he calls again to say he's given up, he knows he'll never see his son again. Never once does he mention Jack. The bullshit continues.
My father in law is slowly fading. We saw him today, and my mother in law. So much unsaid drama there that my mother in law was standing and twitching. I just can't. I have to put up a wall around myself to protect myself from people like my mother in law and my son and then I feel bad about that. I think the wall keeps out the good stuff too. And maybe that's why I feel like crying and curling up today.
I don't have it bad, I know. But some days feel bad.
You are a good person. You deserve the "good stuff" that makes you happy.
ReplyDeleteWalls can cut you off some but they protect you too.
You do what you do for Jack's sake. Let the rest of it fall like chaff from grain. I know that it is hard.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Pixie. Boundaries protect you. You owe no one an apology for that, especially to the ones who make those boundaries necessary.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, girlfriend. xoxoxo Kate
ReplyDeleteYou do have it bad--especially with the son drama. Even though you understand what he's doing, it plays (in a bad way) with your mind and emotions. Your father-in-law's situation is sad and the drama surrounding your MIL makes it even more painful. Why do people have to be this way??
ReplyDeleteSending many hugs and supportive thoughts. xoxo
It is hard when we have to build walls to keep people out, especially family, but you are doing the right thing for you and the big and little guys.
ReplyDeleteOh I'm so so sorry! I decided only relatively recently that I had to cut out toxic people for the sake of my own sanity, but that's easier said than done when it's your son isn't it!
ReplyDeleteIt is a hard situation when someone (especially someone we love) is so very toxic in our lives that we finally reach the conclusion that we cannot be a part of their lives anymore or allow them to be part of ours and then, because they ARE such toxic people, they somehow are able to make US feel guilty for preserving our very sanity and lives by building that wall. But for heaven's sake! You spent most of your son's life trying to help him, doing whatever you could to turn him around and he was never able to do that and if he is ever able to do it, it will be from his own desire and effort.
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE RAISING HIS SON! And that is everything. And far more than enough. It's okay, lady. You deserve some damn peace. You deserve joy and contentment. You deserve a life free of someone else's demons.
I wish I could hug you so hard.
I agree completely for entirely different reasons but that doesn't matter. If it helps you in any way, please be assured that life sucks here too. Sending you best wishes, stay on top of it and look after yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou may not have it bad but you do have it hard. This is a lot and it's difficult to turn away from your son, no matter the reasons why you should.
ReplyDeleteThat Meme pretty much says it all, doesn't it? I don't think you're handling the Hand Dealt inappropriately at all, it is all hard, unfair, complex, shitty, with some beautiful bits thrown in for good measure with that precious Grandson. As for limiting your exposure to any toxic Loved Ones, you just have to do that, and it sucks, since Love is difficult to put Conditions on, isn't it? I know you Love that Son of yours, Tough Love is never easy to mete out and until his Mind isn't clouded from his Addictions and bad Lifestyle Choices, it's not healthy to have a lot of exposure and it is important to set firm limits with him. I had to do that for over 20 Years with The Daughter and now she's Clean we have a much better relationship and enjoying it... of coarse, it was a lot of years Lost, but now I'm finally having the Relationship with her, and her with me, that both of us had always really ached for... her Mental Illness complicated a lot of it, and since there's no Cure, I was never sure if we could navigate having a positive experience with her... or her with almost anyone. The Son is doing well with his sobriety from drugs, both of them are still alcoholics, and I try to take it one day at a time and just let them know they are Beloved, but, I have firm Boundaries and will not compromise those. A mutual Respect for that can take a long time to manifest my Friend, big Hugs to you as you move thru the difficult Journey that it just is.
ReplyDeleteYup! That end picture pretty much sums up how it feels when everything seems to be going wrong. Maybe it appears that way to your son too. Sleeping in a homeless shelter wondering how did I get here? And in his case trying to think of someone to blame apart from himself.
ReplyDelete