Jack has no school today.

I may be grumpy and feeling overwhelmed.

Jack may have not had his ADHD medicine this morning.

I may have slept in.

I may have yelled, or been sharp with him.

I may be grumpy.

I may not have listened to every word he said this morning.

I may want some peace and quiet.

I may not get that today.

We may survive.  

May the odds be ever in our favour.

I took Katie for her ultrasound on Monday afternoon.  Her caregiver had given her some ativan but she was also in pain so asked that she be given another tylenol #3.  She's been having pain all week.  When we got into the US room, I helped Katie lay down on the stretcher, at which point she started sobbing and continued to sob throughout the entire ultrasound.  Of course I started crying too.  It was heart wrenching.  

She still has ovarian cysts. She is still having pain and we still have to wait forever to see a gynecologist.  Katie doesn't understand why she is having pain and she doesn't understand why we have to wait so long for something to be done.  She also doesn't understand that she has to tell her caregivers that she is having pain to get some pain relief. 

I want to do something to help her but I don't know what to do.  She has pain medication and ativan to help with the pain and the acting out but I would like this to be resolved for her.  I had an ovarian cyst which had to be removed about 20 years ago, the good old days when the provincial government was not trying to dismantle public health care and specialist access was much better.

I was upset and emptied out after I dropped her off at her house, into the arms of strangers (to me).  I could not go home empty so I stopped at the greenhouse to refill my cup, just a little.  It helped, a little.

The snow has mostly melted and Jack had me out bike riding again yesterday, after school and after supper.  He's doing so well on his bike and cannot wait to ride back and forth to school.  I will be riding with him, so I'll be getting a fair bit more exercise, which is not a bad thing but my knees do hurt when I ride.

There has been some success in regenerating cartilage that gives me hope that one day I will not need a knee replacement but can regenerate my own cartilage.  That would be amazing.

A couple of friends and I have joined a pottery studio in Fort Saskatchewan which will allow us more time to work on our pottery and will give us access to much nicer glazes.  It's actually cheaper than the lessons we're taking right now.  My beef with studio we go to now is that 1.45 hours is not enough time to work on much.  It's hurry up, hurry up.  We have asked for a longer class, or more frequent classes but they don't want to do that, so we found someplace that will allow us more time in the studio.  We checked it out yesterday and it's lovely, so is the owner.  Tomorrow we're heading out there for 4 hours.  I would go for longer, but Jack get's home at 4pm and I have to be home for that.  

Taxes are done and paid.  Quilts are finished and the sewing machine has been put away for the summer.  Yard work should begin shortly.  I have crocuses coming up and the leopard's bane leaves are pushing their way through the soil, all signs of a true spring.  

 

Charlie looks deeply unimpressed.  Today the sun is shining and it's warming up.  Once the snow melts I'm guessing the plants and trees will bust out green.  I'm hoping that was the last snow fall.

I'm off to pottery this morning to see my friends and make things with clay.  Is there a better way to spend a morning?  I think not.

Yesterday I took the baby quilt over to my friend's house, for her daughter.  Her daughter and son in law to be were there and I made the poor girl cry.  She loved the quilt.

Katie's caregiver yesterday, knows Katie quite well.  She saw Katie getting increasingly agitated as the morning progressed and she gave Katie meds before I got there, so that Katie was calm and happy by the time I got there.  We went out for lunch, which we had to eat in another part of the mall due to a drug addict freaking out in the food court.  As Katie and I were heading to the other end of the mall, we passed by half a dozen cops and I asked if they were heading to the food court.  They weren't but I told them about the guy freaking out and they headed over there. Katie and I ended up by Tim Horton's and there was another young woman doing the fentanyl hunch in line for Timmy's.  The woman was hunched over and Katie kept watching her and telling me that the lady was sick, which she was poor thing.  This is a nice mall but it's also on the LRT (light rail transit) line and so many drug addicts end up here that I now carry Narcan in Katie's backpack.  It's heartbreaking.  I'm just so thankful Katie remained calm throughout it all.  Today I'm taking her for an ultrasound to check out the ovarian cysts again.

Jack has been very difficult to deal with at bedtime lately.  The ADHD meds are wearing off and he starts stimming, enough to drive me crazy when I'm tired.  It usually starts while I'm making supper and even though I know why he does it, it doesn't make it easier for me to deal with.  I'm also overwhelmed, trying to get supper on the table while he decides to play soccer, or hockey, or basketball in the kitchen.  We are a work in progress.  Once the snow is gone, we can head outside after supper and get some more exercise.  Next Monday outdoor soccer starts up and he'll be doing that two evenings a week.  The days are much longer now and his brain gets that, it wants to be active because the sun is still shining.  Deep breaths.  I tried that on him, the deep breaths, he was pissed off.  "Just stop", is what he said/snapped.  Sigh.

And now for some good advice.

On Monday it was 23C and then yesterday it started snowing and it's still snowing.  Sigh.  As you can see I was hopeful enough to put out a couple of chairs on Monday.  It will end, the weather will warm up.  

My husband discovered a site that offers free 3D printable instructions for pottery rollers.  I immediately went through the site and he is now printing off a lot of rollers for me, which I deeply appreciate.  I started this casserole dish on Wednesday in class but two hours is not enough time, so I brought it home and worked on it yesterday morning.  I did a few more touch ups this morning but I'm mostly satisfied with it.  I don't like that you can see the seam but that just means I have more to learn.  It will end up either blue or green, there are not a lot of choices for glaze at my class, at least not a lot of choices that I like:)

I got the baby quilt back last night and now I just have to add the binding.  I hope to finish it today because my friend's daughter is coming to visit this weekend and I would like for her to have it now.  

I saw my counselor again yesterday and I like her.  We're close to the same age and she has a different perspective, a gentler, more compassionate perspective than I do.  

Katie had a meltdown last Monday, pooped her pants, acted out, and was complaining of pain.  The staff cleaned her up and gave her pain meds.  There is a pattern!  I didn't get attacked, and Katie didn't have to go to emergency for pain meds.  A win.  I'm taking her for an ultrasound on Monday and we'll see what that tells us about her cysts.  She's good now and I'll take her out for lunch on Sunday.

I had an ultrasound on Wednesday.  I've had a lump on my clavicle for almost a year and now it feels like something is pressing into my esophagus.  There is something pressing into my esophagus, but it's just synovial hypertrophy, an overgrowth of the lining of my sternoclavicular joint, caused by arthritis.  One I didn't know that was a thing, and two, I didn't know that you could get arthritis there.  The learning never ends:)

I've been practicing "how to deal with big emotions" and I've done a lot of jumping jacks.  I received a letter yesterday from the government about Katie and her AISH payments.  I'm not done yet though.

Life continues on, good and bad, beautiful and ugly, it just is.  And because I love dad jokes, may I present this one.

 

The snow has gone again, hopefully for the last time.  Jack is out riding his bike, Charlie and I follow behind.

I watched a video on Cheerful Monk's blog this morning and it resonated with me.  I have always struggled with my emotions and regulating those emotions, among other things like organization, impulsivity, and fear of rejection.  

The video named five things I can do to help with my emotional regulation.

1.  Scan my body immediately and to see what it's doing, clenching, tightness, etc. and relax what is tight.

2. Inhale and exhale with the exhale twice as long as the inhale.

3. 2 minutes of intense physical exercise like jumping jacks.

4. Name it to tame it.  Name the emotion, feel it, and then let it go.

5. Give love and specific appreciation to someone.

None of this is new but it also explains in scientific terms when you would feel better.  I'm a science nerd and I appreciate knowing the why of things, makes me more likely to follow through on something.  I remember when I was a young nurse and a resident wanted me to start an insulin drip on a patient who was not diabetic.  He had to explain it to me a few times before I finally understood and then I was willing to do it.  Understanding helps.

Anyway, that's been my week so far.  Pottery was wonderful yesterday, my plants are outside enjoying the outdoors which is good because I just checked the weather and we could have snow again later this week.  At least Alberta is never boring:)

And because summer is coming.

Heidi is going to be ten next month and she is aging faster now.  She has arthritis and I noticed that she wasn't getting up on the couches to sleep like she usually does.  She's also been yipping at random times and looking at us like she's in pain, but she's not sure what caused the pain.  She still loves going for walks, and still wrestles hard with Charlie in the back yard, but something is up with her.  I bought her a new bed for the main floor of the house and she's using it, which is also unusual.  She has been the best dog I've ever had, sweet and gentle.

I was out doing errands yesterday and when I walked into Home Depot the scent of flowers hit me hard.  It was wonderful and then I saw these and needed a photo.  I also went back to work to visit with everyone and get signatures for the petition to stop any new coal mining on the Eastern slopes of the Rocky Mountains.  Water Not Coal. It was nice to catch up and get the signatures.  I'm too uncomfortable asking people I don't know to sign, so I go where everyone knows my name:)

Jack has his soccer orientation this afternoon, where he'll get his jersey and have a skills assessment.  He is pumped!

I'm still thinking about generational trauma and how much if affects the world.  Imagine if trump was loved properly as a child, or putin, or netanyahu, the world would be a different place.  Why do some people turn out like Gandhi?  And some like hitler?  It's still a puzzle I'm working on for myself and my family.  

The field and sky three days ago when I took one of the dogs out for a walk.

It started snowing afterwards and now we have snow again.  Sigh.  So done with winter, but the robins have arrived.  Mum loved seeing the robins arrive every spring, and I do too.  They don't look too impressed with the weather though.  I can see them outside my window in the backyard on the pear tree, all puffed up against the cold.  It's supposed to be 20C next week.

It was going to be crappy all day yesterday so I decided to make a moon jar with coils and stay inside.  I hated working with coils when I first learned about them, but like most things, the stuff I hate the most, I work at the hardest.  As this jar got taller, the weight of clay was making it wobbly.  What to do?  I stuck a balloon inside, blew it up, and voila, I had a sturdy jar that I could keep adding coils to.  I also put it on a pillow to support the bottom.  I removed the balloon this morning because it's dry enough now to stay sturdy on it's own.  I'm not done with it yet, but I am happy with it.  I want to change up the neck of the jar, maybe later today.  Not bad for my second attempt.  The first attempt was awhile back and didn't make it beyond three coils.

Katie had her psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday and he agreed that the ovarian cysts may have been causing Katie's meltdowns over the the past couple of years.  Poor girl.  He wanted to know when she was going for surgery and I told him we were waiting for a gyne consult.  God only knows when that will be.  If the meltdowns are tied to her ovarian cysts, the next meltdown should happen in about two weeks, but now I have meds to deal with it and keep her out of emergency.

Katie's AISH funding has been cut by $200/month, despite proof from the federal government that she does not qualify for the Canada Disability Benefit at this time.  The UCP is a party filled with despicable dirt bags, who prey on the weak and vulnerable.  They are maggots 2.0.  I am in the process of emailing reporters to get them involved with this.  Don't mess with my daughter.  

I get to do our taxes today.  The husband of a good friend of mine is coming over to teach me about capital gains and losses and how to add those to our taxes this year.  I appreciate this so much.  He won't take money but he will taking baking apparently:)

I'm off to bake.