A few weeks ago I was listening to Tapestry on CBC radio and one of the interviews was with a philosophy professor,  Massimo Pigliucci.  The interview struck a chord with me and I looked into it a bit more.  I came across a handbook, "Live Like A Stoic For A Week" and I thought I'd give it a shot.  I tried a bit.  Did a little meditating.  Thought about myself in the grand scheme of things. 

Then I got shingles and  I fell down and hit my head but I still tried to remember one key concept, the question I need to ask myself always, "Is this in my control?"  And if the answer is no, to let it go.

So far, not so bad.  I work with a couple of nurses who would not win any nurse of the year awards.  One is oblivious and lazy, while the other is rude and a drama queen.  Neither one are exactly competent.  They push all my buttons and I usually lose it on them about once a year.  I'm tired of having my buttons pushed. 

Last week, even though I felt like death warmed over, I asked the question, "Is this in my control?"  And if it wasn't, and it usually isn't, then I let go of it.  That's pretty good for me.  When I feel like crap my patience for bullshit is very low. 

This week I feel like a human being again.  My head is still a little scrambled from hitting it but not too bad.  Although I did ask a friend about her pretzels, instead of her shingles this morning. 

Most of all though I'm trying to remember to stand back and ask myself that question and then move on.  I also try to remember that in the history of the earth, my life has about as much significance as a squirrel or a thistle for that matter.  So when things are bugging me, I think about the squirrel and the thistle.  Sounds like an English pub to me but it makes me feel better.  Then I ask myself, "Is this in my control?"

At least I know I'm not alone.  Turns out the Greeks where thinking about this kind of stuff five thousand years ago.  It's kind of comforting.

I don't think of myself as being "older".  Last March I slipped on the ice near Athabasca Falls and dislocated a couple of ribs.  I was so sore and nervous after that experience that I walked across ice like an old lady.  Last weekend I thought the skin between my eyebrows was starting to break out in a monster pimple.  My girlfriend saw me on Sunday morning and said, "That looks like shingles."  Monday morning the sore on my skin looked at lot more like shingles so I took myself off to emergency at seven am before work.  As an aside, I would highly recommend this time as a good time to visit the emergency department.  I got in and out in two hours with a diagnosis of shingles and a prescription for an antiviral medication. 

I wasn't sure if I should go to work or not so made a bunch of phone calls and decided to stay home for the day.  Turns out as long as the vesicles are scabbed over I won't infect anyone with chickenpox.  I especially worry about my immunocomprimised patients.  They don't need chickenpox on top of everything else.  So now I'm on an antiviral and the skin between my eyebrows is swollen, red, itchy, burning and painful.  My nose is slightly swollen and my glasses don't fit well.  The swelling has caused a lovely looking drooping of the skin on the inside of my eyes. 

This morning the vesicles broke open and started weeping.  I tried getting hold of the casual nurse but no luck so I covered up the open area between my eyes with a lovely arrangement of bandaids.  The big guy looked at me and smirked.  I told him to fuck off.  He said it was very sexy and I told him to fuck off again.  And then as the big guy and I walked from the parkade into the building I hit a patch of ice and fell flat on my back, breaking the fall with my head.  WTF!

I burst into tears and couldn't stop sobbing.  After ice packs, hugs and an x-ray, the big guy drove me home and this is where I sit. 

I feel old.  I look old but my in my mind I don't feel any different than I ever have.  It's strange how the person we are inside doesn't age the same was as our body does.  I know I'm older and I am wiser but when I look in a mirror, it's shocking.  I'm starting to look like my mother. 

You should sit in nature for twenty minutes a day…

Unless you’re busy, then you should sit for an hour.

                             ~based on an old Zen

                             saying on mediation

Things I'm thankful for today.

The big guy, his big heart, his hugs and his wisdom.
Walks in the river valley this week before work. 
Homemade smoothies.
A day that wasn't as busy at work so I don't feel used up and worn out tonight.
Got my cavity filled yesterday.  The needle didn't hurt and it took about five minutes to fill.  I can chew again on the left side.
My kidney function is better today than it was last week.
I have time to repaint the bedroom this weekend.
The fall weather has been beautiful.  Sunny and cool but not cold and no snow yet.
The geraniums are still blooming on the balcony.

What are you thankful for today>

I moved in with my boyfriend when I was four months pregnant and I moved back home with my parents when I was eight months pregnant.  My boyfriend hadn't come home for three days.  He just disappeared and when he came back there was no explanation.  Apparently I still had sex with him though and he was kind enough to give me crabs. 

I was at work one day and I couldn't stop scratching my crotch.  I had to go into the back storage area to scratch.  All I could think about was scratching.  When I went home that night I used a mirror to look at my crotch, my belly was too big to see over, and I saw something move.  I had to phone a friend to find out what was going on.  I had never seen crabs.  I had never known anyone with crabs.  Then I had to go to a drugstore and buy something to kill the crabs.  I was too embarrassed to ask for help in the drugstore.  I wandered around for a long time until I found what I needed.  Or maybe I asked for help, I can't remember.  What I do remember is feeling ashamed and dirty.

I ended up just shaving all of my pubic hair off because I couldn't stand the thought of nits or crabs or anything on me.  And then I felt naked and ashamed.  At that time I had no idea that there were even women who shaved their pubic hair off.  I really was small town girl.

I had a weekly doctor's appointment by that point in my pregnancy and when the doctor did the pelvic exam I was terrified he would say something about my shaved groin.  He never did. 

And my boyfriend remained my boyfriend.  Why I don't know.  To make my parents happy?  To make his parents happy?  Because I believed I could make this work?  Because I wanted so desperately to have a family, a home, a husband?  Did I only want to play house? 

About two week or three weeks before my son was born my boyfriend called early one Saturday morning and the first words he said were, "Don't hang up!  This is my only phone call."  He wanted three hundred dollars for bail.  I can't remember why he was in jail.  Fighting?  Unpaid speeding tickets?  Who knows.  Whatever he would have told me would have been a lie.  I did have the presence of mind to tell him no and then hung up on him. 

When I look back at my younger self I see a selfish, single minded young woman.  I had no idea what having a child entailed.  I didn't know how hard it would be, how endless it would be, how it would require me to put my child first and myself second.  I didn't know how isolated and alone I would feel.  It was only about me, not my child.  I can see that now and it saddens me.  I had nothing to give a child.  I had never received unconditional love, never felt accepted by my parents, never given much attention or affection.  How could I possible be ready to parent a child?  But I didn't know any of this until many years later.   

Things I'm thankful for today.

A walk in the river valley.
Sunshine.
Dog love.
Meals made for Katie sitting in the freezer.
A good sleep last night.
Time to walk and cook.
Homemade tomato red pepper soup.
Get to see my granddaughter tomorrow.
Katie's starts special Olympics bowling tomorrow morning.
Not dizzy anymore. 

What are you thankful for today?

When I rolled over to get out of bed this morning the whole world started spinning.  I have vertigo, benign paroxysmal positional vertigo, which means it comes and goes and it isn't going to kill me, unless I fall down the stairs.  Sometimes it's mild, sometimes it's stomach turning.  This morning I walked out to the kitchen like a toddler, unsure of my footing.  I sat down and my stomach started churning.  I tried the Epley Maneuver, three times and the vertigo improved only slightly.  Finally I gave up and lay down. 

The big guy went to work without me and I dreamed of a very nice doctor who came and helped me with my vertigo.  He was an older man, so kind and tender it was lovely.  I felt so safe, the kind of safe you feel when you're a kid and your mum can still give you that feeling.  I'm still a little dizzy but I can walk now without hanging onto walls which is nice. 

I went to see my doctor the other day to try and figure out why I'm so tired all the time.  We talked about life, work, stress, exercise.  She's a lovely woman who actually listens and doesn't rush you.  She suggested I figure out a way to work less and told me to relax more.  I don't relax.  I do.  I go.  I always have a list of things that that need to be done.  The big guy laughs at me because of my lists.  Maybe I need to let go of my lists. 

For so many years I took care of Katie.  Then I took care of my mum.  Now I'm taking care of my patients.  I'm not good at taking care of myself.  So today my poor body made me lie down, slowed me down.  Time to find a better balance for myself.