The days are getting shorter and colder, frost every morning now. There was fog at the dog park this morning when I took the dogs for their run; the fog burned off as the sun rose.
I worked Monday and Tuesday. My manager called me on the weekend to come in on Monday for a specific patient who had asked for me and I said sure. The poor young woman ended up in Emerg on Sunday and never did make it in, although I'm not sure that would have changed the outcome. She has had many appointments to have a central line put in and each time she has cancelled. The first time I had her, we managed to get her on the table, everything set up, and then when the doc was ready to start, she changed her mind. She has done this over and over again with everything, including her chemo.
I knew when I first met her that her personality and mental health challenges would prevent her getting the care she needs, and now, she is palliative. She's only 39 years old and she's dying, in part because she can't deal with everything. I understand but I feel so bad for her too.
Yesterday I had a boy really, 24 years old, with inoperable pancreatic cancer. WTF! That just kills me.
So this morning I took the dogs out and later today I will make pumpkin shaped cookies for Jack. Halloween is tomorrow and he's excited about it.
Otherwise not much going on. I'm meeting a friend on Sunday whose world has fallen apart. We're going for a long walk in the river valley and I'll listen. I'm much better at listening than when I was a young woman, back then I had all the answers:)
I saw this somewhere in the past few days and thought it explained so much about the differences between He Who Shall Not Be Named and Harris.
I really do not know how you do the work you do. You humble me.
ReplyDeleteLove the quote. So true. Reminds me of a thing I've heard often about DT which is that every accusation he makes is a confession.
Are your pumpkin cookies going to be sugar cookies?
I've thought the same thing about trump. Every horrible thing that he does, he accuses others of doing. Very weird.
DeleteMy pumpkin cookies will be sugar cookies with orange sugar on them.
That is a very accurate quote! The pancreatic cancer story is heartbreaking. My first boyfriend died of pancreatic cancer in the '90s, when he was in his early 30s. A horrible disease. You really are a hero.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Steve, I didn't know. Pancreatic cancer is the worst I think, so little we can do for it.
DeleteWhat a beautiful picture! Your work is so worthwhile, so important, I hope you realise this every time you do it.
ReplyDeleteI do love my job when I don't have to be there every day.
DeleteThat is a stunning photo you took. I hope Jack's Halloween is everything he wants it to be! It's such a magical holiday when you're young like that.
ReplyDeleteWe carved our pumpkins this afternoon, a little stressful for nana, but we survived:)
DeleteI love that picture at the top and the slightly wonky nature of the fence - rather like life itself.
ReplyDeleteWhen I pulled up to the park this morning, there was so much fog, made me very happy. And yes, life is wonky, well said.
DeleteI love that saying and yes, 45 only has hate and self-centeredness in his heart so that's what he sees. I can't imagine the tragedies of what you see and deal with; that's so very tragic. 24 years old with pancreatic cancer is just effing unfair! Making cookies is the way to go forward; it's creative and fun. I'm glad the Jack is excited about Halloween. I think only my oldest grandson is; the others are too young.
ReplyDeleteI made the second batch of cookies without Jack, much more relaxing:) He's also been up since 4am, excited about Halloween.
DeleteI think the quote is so true, what we believe is what we see in the world.
I've been reading for a while now. Your work is stressful I'm sure. My sister died of pancreatic cancer. I became her primary care giver. She suffered greatly, horrible illness. I would be like that young woman patient, although I'd refuse any and all treatment and go straight to palliative care. It's so sad, yet I understand her inability to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Celie, that must have been so difficult for you. The young woman says she wants to have treatment but she has phobias, and a lot of drama. It makes it hard to deal with her, especially when there are other people who want treatment. My own dad was the same way, his personality made it hard to care for him, only for family though, he was fine with strangers.
DeleteYou do such important work. I missed your last post, Jack sounds like he's turned the corner, now that he's happy. So happy he's happy. We have a lot of red trees here, no idea what they are. They're big trees, lot's of leaves.
ReplyDeleteI spent about five years as a child living in northern Ontario, lots of maples and lots of colours. I love the yellow of the poplars but the red of maples is so beautiful.
DeleteAll of the above and a special mention of the quality and beauty of your photographs. WOW.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kate.
DeleteI'm glad you don't have to work full time. Your work is so important, but it can eat away at you if you don't have time to recover, put some balance in your life. I just finished listening to How Do You Feel? by Jessi Gold. "A poignant and thought-provoking memoir following one psychiatrist and four of her patients as they deal with the unspoken mental and physical costs of caring for others". Again, I'm so glad you have time off to restore your balance.
ReplyDeleteI'll have to take a look at that book. I don't think the grief of nurses is given enough attention. I retired in June but still pick up shifts sometimes, the best of both worlds.
DeleteThat's immediately who I also thought of as I read that.
ReplyDeleteBtw, you may know but has any progress been made in treating pancreatic cancer in the last decade? It has always seemed to be a quick life ending sentence and still seems to be.
Apparently there are some treatments in the works but most of our patients do poorly, especially if the tumour is inoperable.
DeleteI love the Goethe quote -- so true. Sometimes I can't believe the work you do and how draining it must be for you. But those people with whom you come in contact must feel such deep respect and care from you.
ReplyDeleteYou do hard work too Elizabeth, not just the teaching, but the care of Sophie. Long term caregiving grinds a person down.
DeleteIt's so terribly sad to see such young people dying when, for the most part, they haven't even had a chance to live. Again, I could NEVER do your job, but it's such a blessing that there are people like you on this earth!
ReplyDeleteI hate seeing really young people with terminal cancer too and it seems to be more common now.
DeleteThat photo is stunning. I can imagine that it must have been quite cold when you took it. Here in central Virginia it will hit 80 degrees today. I don't think I've ever heard of someone dying of pancreatic cancer so young. How heartbreaking. I wish medical science would come up with some sort of diagnostic test to better diagnose it before it is too late. I love the quote. #45 is a poor excuse for a human. I have never disliked a public figure as much as I dislike him. The thought of four more years of him makes me sick, and I think that it will be much worse than his first term in office. The thing that saddens me the most is that the election is close. It should be a landslide against him. He encapsulates everything that is wrong with humanity.
ReplyDeleteThanks. It was about -3C (28F), my fingers actually got cold.
DeleteI think he is my youngest patient with pancreatic cancer, not a claim to fame that anyone wants. Just like no patient ever wants to have a rare cancer. Rare cancer means there usually isn't any good treatment regimen.
It's sickening that the election is so close
My relative died today. It was something called neuroendocrine cancer. I don't think I'll ever get past the shock of how quickly it all came about.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Debby.
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