I'm rereading "Remarkably Bright Creatures" by Shelby Van Pelt for my book club. One of the lines near the beginning of the book caught my attention and resonated with me. "Tova has always felt more than a bit of empathy for the sharks, with their never-ending laps around the tank. She understands what it means to never be able to stop moving, lest you find yourself unable to breathe." When I read that, I felt it.
I'm retired now. I don't have to go to work four days a week. I can relax, but I can't relax. I try to relax and I am getting a little better, but I push myself all day long. This morning I started making tomato sauce at 6:30am, while Jack watched TV. I took the dogs, one at a time, for long, hard walks. I did laundry, shopped for groceries and then had some lunch. It's afternoon now, almost time to pick up Jack and I'm tired.
I keep moving, stay busy because why? I'm the same at work, just keep going, don't sit down. Is it a Protestant thing? A Calvinist thing? That I'm only worthy if I work and produce something? Did I miss out on Catholic and Jewish guilt, only to be sadled with a Protestant work ethic?
I've never really thought about it before. Is it a Protestant work ethic or is it ADHD? All I know is that I have a hard time sitting still and because I'm a judgy type of person, I think less of people who are able to relax and sit and enjoy life. Sigh.
It never ends, does it? This looking in the mirror at oneself. Oh, and I judge myself for being judgy too.
People (I mean myself) are weird. I'm weird. Probably not any weirder than anyone else, but still weird.
I know lots of people like you! So at least you're not alone, lol.
ReplyDeleteThanks Debra. ADHD people? Or judgy people? Or Protestants? LOL
DeleteWhen I first retired, I was just like you but now I'm more relaxed. Give yourself time to adapt to having more time. Or if you're one of those people who needs to always be busy, that can also be a great thing!
ReplyDeleteI imagine I will relax, eventually. I'm usually busiest when I'm stressed, so I wonder what's going on.
DeleteI was always hyper, but then I probably had to be with a full-time job, young kids and a hellish commute, and I had a really hard time slowing down after I retired. Felt guilty if I sat and read and yet there's no-one here to judge me and nor should they anyway. It's getting better now but it's taken me six years! Hang in there, hopefully you'll learn to take it easy too. Oh and I downloaded that book to read an excerpt and liked it. I never got round to reading the whole book though as another 1,000 books got in the way. I'll be pleased to hear what you think of it!
ReplyDeleteI have read the book before and it is a lovely read. I'm hopeful I will learn how to relax.
DeleteOne has to try to be less "judgy" or judgmental - giving way to the realisation that other people can be so different from us. That will assist the relaxation process...
ReplyDeleteWe're busy doin' nothin'
Workin' the whole day through
Tryin' to find lots of things not to do
We're busy goin' nowhere
Isn't it just a crime
We'd like to be unhappy, but
We never do have the time.
You're not making a case for old music being good music:)
DeleteDo you know who I judge the most harshly? Myself.
I have always been the kind of person who just can't sit still. When I was teaching, I always stayed later than others, always tried to create good lessons, always amazed at the teachers who left right at the bell, and then came the next day late. When I first retired, I had a hard time not feeling guilty about "doing nothing". As time has passed, I realize that I am still doing things, just not work related things, and I am doing it on my schedule. I make a list every morning of "chores", and if I don't get to them, I don't get to them. It is freeing in a way.
ReplyDeleteI've always been a list maker and still am. I like to have something ticked off at the end of the day. Perhaps I should make shorter lists:)
DeleteI have no advice for you and I'm not going to attempt to try and analyze why you feel the need to move endlessly. I can certainly see why that line in the book struck you with such force.
ReplyDeleteYes, it did strike me with force. Made me think about the why. That's what good books do, isn't it?
DeleteI wasn't raised with any religion but that yankee work ethic is really a part of Minnesota culture, i think. Since I have been having mobility problems I feel bad about being of so little help. I do think you will eventually settle in some after you've been retired longer.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't raised with much religion, although I did start attending Christian Reformed Church as a teen. That church is based on Calvinism and they seem to have a thing about not enjoying life. Perhaps I paid closer attention to the sermons than I realized.
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ReplyDeletePush all those other guilts aside and have your only one be how you take care of yourself. How well can you do nothing? You are on the other side of the seesaw now.
ReplyDeleteI did very little yesterday, Jack was sick, and I accepted it.
DeleteGood! Do little some more!!
DeleteIs your need for constant movement a response to keep from becoming overwhelmed if you stop to rest and are alone with your thoughts?
ReplyDeleteDance instead?
Will Jay
I don't know. I'm alone with my thoughts when I walk and I don't mind them. I think it's the judgements of others.
DeleteWhy sit down? Retirement doesn't mean sit down and do nothing - or did I get it wrong? In its best version it means you can do what you feel like when you feel like it and when your circumstances allow it. Nothing to feel guilty about.
ReplyDeleteDo whatever I feel like doing. I'm working on it. I went to a gym a couple of days ago to get the lay of the land, now I just need to go back again. I want to improve my strength and flexibility as I age, and to keep up with Jack:)
DeleteI always think I don't do much in a day and say I avoid being busy, that I love being able to do what I feel like doing or want to get done, and that I avoid making commitments to doing things that will keep me busy when I don't want to be. But when my aunt stayed with us a couple years ago she commented "You never sit still for long," which made me realize that I do move a lot, and quickly; that, as she said, I'm "always jumping up to do something." But I also feel no guilt whatsoever for spending my free time as I choose and to hell with laying "shoulds" on myself. Not that I don't admire organized, efficient, accomplished, and ambitious people. But I don't insist on being one at times when it doesnt come naturally; I dont push myself. And I do believe that when I don't allow myself even 5 minutes to sit and stare out the window in a day, that's when I most need to do exactly that.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't keep yourself too busy to think about it, if you are gentle with yourself and let yourself be, you will come to focus on what you really want and need to do with this new freedom. Lucky you! I'm envious. Hours are never empty or worthless just because we aren't being paid or working in our homes.
When I have putzed around in the house and yard on a day off and been "busy doing nothing" and my taller half comes home and asks what I've done today because there is nothing obvious even though I have tidied or changed things and so on to my heart's content, I often say " Oh, just sat around scratching my twat." And hey, what would be so wrong with that! - Kate
My hubby comes home from work and asks, what did you do today? I love your answer, just to see the look on his face:)
DeleteI admire your outlook on life a great deal.
A therapist once told me that judgy people judge themselves more harshly than anyone else, and they feel if they hold themselves to such impossibly high standards then by god everyone else should too. It was revelatory for me. I guess I am a judgy person too though I truly enjoy quirks in people that make them so completely who they are.
ReplyDeleteI do judge myself more harshly than I judge others.
DeleteI think it's human nature to want to DO things, at least for many of us. I never feel very good about hanging around with nothing to do. I can usually find something! But I freely admit that Protestant Work Ethic might be part of my problem too. :)
ReplyDeleteBloody Protestants:) Religion always seems to have an ulterior motive.
DeleteCongratulations on your retirement, especially as I know you worked so very hard for so very long. I can imagine that you will need time to ease into whatever relaxation will mean for you.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to reset my body and mind. As you said, it will take time.
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