I was up early this morning and walked Charlie shortly after sunrise. The natural world seems like the only good thing sometimes. Maybe that's why I take so many photos of it.
Jack and I went for a bike ride this afternoon. He's doing well on his bike and so am I. My muscle memory is starting to come back, it's only been forty-five years.
I have time to make sourdough again, and the weather is getting cooler, so a few weeks ago, I mixed up a sourdough starter. It worked surprisingly well, maybe I did learn something a few years ago when I was making soudough. I've made one loaf so far and another is doing it's thing on the counter right now. I should put it in the fridge for the night, but I'm procrastinating
I worry about Jack all the time. He slapped someone at kindergarten last week and told one of the teachers at daycare that he would kill her, or break her phone. Tonight he punched me in the stomach. I worry all the time about what's normal behavior and what's pathology. I find myself pulling back from him a little, afraid of getting hurt (emotionally, not physically) again. I should probably be talking to the psychologist too, dealing with my own fears.
In the mean time, I take care of everything else, keep myself busy, and try not to feel resentment, anger, frustration, fear. Why do I keep my promises but others don't? When do I get to be happy?
Update. I felt sorry for myself, had a good cry and decided, once again that my happiness is my responsibility. I can't control how others behave, just myself.
My 4 year old grandson hits sometimes too. (and he hasn't dealt with anything like
ReplyDeleteJack has). It's good that you have him in therapy and that you are working with him to teach and nurture appropriate behavior. I ask myself those last two questions quite frequently. Or similar ones like When do I get to relax and have some calmness in my life?
Because my son is a sociopath, I always worry about Jack.
DeleteThere will come a day, I'm sure, when it will be too quiet and too calm in my house:)
You may be able to ignore you emotions but you can't stop them. While I understand that you want to care for Jack, no one should be critical of you if you have found it is just all too much. You are not young, sorry, and it is quite a long tern commitment.
ReplyDeleteI'm not young? What? Hahaha. It is a long term commitment. Baby steps I suppose.
DeleteWell, your bread looks fabulous and as always, your photographs are wonderful to look at.
ReplyDeleteIt must be so hard for you to not analyse Jack's behaviour and to not interpret it in relation to his dreadful experiences. Yes, do speak to a child expert, it will help you all. He is a victim.
I always overanalyse things anyway, what else do you do while you lie in bed, hoping to fall asleep? I think I will speak to someone as well.
DeleteHe "told one of the teachers at daycare that he would kill her, or break her phone". I am so sorry to hear that after such a good start. The teacher goes to work to work with children - to assist their development - not to hear aggressive and unkind threats. Is it possible to nip such unpleasantness in the bud? I don't know but obviously Jack is carrying a lot of baggage. It's not his fault.
ReplyDeleteJack is carrying a lot of baggage, but is it fixable? I hope so.
DeleteSadly, one of the women who cares for him out of school care is not a pleasant woman, I don't like her either, but I wouldn't threaten her either.
That must be so hard how to deal with all of Jack's issues because there is no clear cut way to do it. I think seeing a psychologist would be a good thing for you. Like you, I am at peace when I am out in nature. I can be really stressed out about something, and just walking through a forest or by a lake calms me down.
ReplyDeleteTrees always make me happy too.
DeleteThat's a beautiful loaf of bread.
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to worry about your own wellbeing. And that's not what I'd call feeling sorry for yourself. At this point, your wellbeing is very much tied into Jack's. It's complicated and it's hard.
Your outdoor photos are soul-soothing.
I'm reading a book about the far north, which has never been attractive to me, but with the photos I've seen online, with the description in the book, the north sounds like a peaceful place to visit.
DeleteI had a sad night last night, just busy being sad.
It's always hard to be "the responsible one" in a group of ne'er-do-wells and slackers. It takes good boundaries and a lot of self-care.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I was raised in a family with zero boundaries, so it's hard, it requires work which I am ill equipped for.
DeleteJack has been terribly traumatized. So have you.
ReplyDeleteThe top photo is breathtaking.
His other family doesn't and especially his mom don't seem to get that. And thank you.
DeleteThat is a beautiful loaf of bread! I am so envious. I am so sorry that Jack continues to struggle, but it is good that you have him in therapy, I wish you both well.
ReplyDeleteThank you. The bread was tasty and one day at a time:)
DeleteBeautiful loaf of bread, I applaud your baking skills. We can make dinner rolls, but that's about it. I am so sorry that Jack is acting out.
ReplyDeleteJack acting out scares me because it reminds me of my own son. A little PTSD always adds spice to the mix.
DeleteI have a regular loaf of bread 🍞 in the oven ... it smells so good in my apartment!
ReplyDeleteI wish, as an "older" woman, I could give you some wise and sage advice ... but I cannot! I think how you are dealing with Jack is the right way ... letting him know what is acceptable behavior and what is not! Loving him and lots of hugs ... even when you would rather swat him on the butt!
Talk with his teachers, too, so they know what he is going through ... what all of you are going through! 💕
His teachers all know what he's been through. I don't talk to him when I'm upset anymore. I calm down, let him calm down and then we talk. I hope it helps. I always tell him that I love him, no matter what.
ReplyDeleteIt's a kind and loving thing you're doing, even when you aren't feeling it for whatever reason. I admire people who step up like you have. Here's hoping the parenting job gets easier on you in time.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kate. I hope it gets easier too.
DeletePsychologists for both of you and a child sized punching bag for Jack when his emotions overwhelm him.
ReplyDeleteThat might not be a bad idea, get his aggression out.
DeleteI think a punching bag would be a great idea for Jack too!
Delete