Acorns.  I'm collecting acorns again with plans to either plant them this fall, or to stratify them over the winter and then plant them in the spring.  Probably planting them now would be the easiest.  They are so beautiful and apparently you can eat them too.

I'm still feeling down and have been since Jack was traumatized again by his mother last month.  Gracie has no understanding, or doesn't care, that her actions affect others.  She is going to rehab and seems to think that is sufficient, no sorries, no explanations, nothing.  I think I'm angry about that, angry about how much she has hurt Jack in his short life, angry about how much my life has changed, angry that once again I am putting my life on hold.

That doesn't mean that I'm not happy to have Jack in our lives at all.  I love him and want to raise him, but it's not what I had planned to do.  And once again I feel like it doesn't really matter what I want to do.  I still take care of Katie, pay her bills, take her to the doctor, take her out for lunch and walks, while my exhusband swans in for a few hours, once a month, sometimes, to visit her.  People like to comment that it's good of him to visit, as he lives in Vancouver.  He chose to move to Vancouver and he's a pilot, so he flies on passes.  He's retired, he could do more for her but he chooses not to.  

And I'm angry with Jack's other family, who also like to swan off whenever they choose.  Rigth now they're in Vegas.  I get that they're different than me but it still irks me that I'm the responsible one.  I don't have any desire to go to Vegas but it bugs me that they can just go, without worrying about Jack.  I spent five days with my brother last month and all hell broke loose, again, while I was gone.

And I worry about my husband and his health, but I'm not going to write about that here because he would have a bird.  It's just kind of piled up on me over the last little while and I'm tired and sad and angry.  Perhaps I'm just grieving, the life I have, versus the life I thought I would have.  I have a good life but it's not what I thought it would be.  It's not like I have high expectations either, I keep those low but life managed to go even lower.  Apparently Barack Obama used to say, "When they go low, we go high."  My life seems to be of a different opinion.  When life goes low, we can go lower:)

I don't have a bad life at all.  I am retired and have more than enough money to see me out.  I'm relatively healthy, touch wood, and active.  I have a lovely grandson who also keeps me young and a daughter who is far more empathetic than people know.  Both Katie and Jack give the best hugs, but I think I am grieving for what existed only in my mind.  Just as I grieved the loss of my dream child when Katie was diagnosed, I think I am grieving the loss of my dream retirement.  Neither of the dreams were very realistic but they lived in my head and now it's time to let go of my dream retirement.  I let go of my dream child many, many years ago and ended up with Miss Katie, who wrapped herself around my heart and never let go.  I'm hopeful that the reality of my retirement is far better than what I dreamed.

To be honest, I think it's the school year and Jack starting school that is getting to me.  I realize that I know have thirteen years of school ahead of me, when I thought I was done with school when Katie graduated eleven years ago.  September is such a time of change.  The days are shorter, time is shorter it seems, things are finishing up and starting, all at the same time.  It's a time of changes.  Sigh.  

I wrote this out, cried hard, and now I'll probably take the dogs for a walk and then clean the house.  It helps me so much to get things out of my head and often I don't even realize what's really bothering me until I do set it down on paper (so to speak).  I'm grieving, I just didn't know that.