Whenever I think about writing these days, it seems I have nothing to say. I had a frustrated, angry patient on Thursday that I helped, I hope. Jack is with his aunt tonight. I was sick all last week and I also turned sixty-one. We hired a lawyer to help us with our application for day to day parenting of Jack. The new dog, Charlie is much better and so am I. That last bout of depression snuck up on me and really messed with my mind. I had a dream last night that nobody appreciated anything I was doing and when I woke up, I was grumpy as hell. I stayed grumpy for most of the day until finally it dissipated amongst the trees, while walking the dogs. I had to apologize to Jack more than once. It was the kind of grumpy you feel when you have your period and you just want to rip someone's head off and shit down their neck. Expect I'm post menopausal now. It's finally worn off, thank goodness. I've done laundry and put it all away. Baked banana bread and cleaned up the kitchen. Played far too many games of bubble shooter on my phone. Read my book a little. Picked up the pears that have fallen off the tree and now lay rotting on the grass.
Maybe it's just this time of year. Or maybe it's stress. Jack is safe. I was very specific with his aunt when I asked her what she was doing with Jack today and tonight. He would visit his mom, he would be supervised by his aunt while visiting his mom. She fucked up. She got played by her sister. None of us want that to happen again, including Jack's aunt.
It feels like something should happen. But I don't know what.
I want to yell at Jack's other family and point out that I'm willling to give up my retirement, to raise my grandson, while they party and play and travel. I want some credit for that, some acknowledgement of what we're giving up to care for Jack. I think I figured out what my dream was about last night. And this is why I like to write.
Taking care of a little one in retirement is not something I imagine most people reckon on when it's time for them to be winding down, so I get your resentment towards Jack's other family. You work very hard and have so much on your shoulders I'd be surprised if you didn't feel like ripping someone's head off occasionally. While the others might not see all that you do, I'm sure Jack will and love you all the more for it!
ReplyDeleteYou deserve to be acknowledged, thanked, and loved for all you've done for Jack.
ReplyDeleteI think that sometimes people do not acknowledge what someone is doing because they feel guilty about not doing it themselves. To acknowledge that it's a hard and life-changing gift that you are giving is to admit the extent of your sacrifice. I am not really saying this properly but I hope you understand. Even if you do understand though, it's not helping you one bit.
ReplyDeleteDamn. Lady, you've every right to feel the way you feel.
Ms Moon said what I was going to say -- that they probably feel on some level they should be doing more. It's amazing how writing things down can help clarify feelings and thoughts. I don't write a particularly thoughtful blog but keeping it still helps me think things through!
ReplyDeleteGracie's family should really examine their souls. This should not be all on you, they have responsibility as well, which they are shirking. They shirked last Christmas, shamefully. Your grumpiness is well deserved.
ReplyDeleteAnd this is why we like to read. You lay it all out here.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I already know you so well because of the reading I did for you, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to read your entire journal from the beginning.
That is a compliment not only to your openness about your life, but to your writing skills.
I have recently gone back to the very first one or two of your entries and, lawd willing, will find time to go back and read some more.
-Kate
Say it. Say it to them. Do. Put it up in their faces and let them absorb it. You aren't being appreciated. Right now I feel like you described about your period, which is great btw. What you said, not feeling that way.
ReplyDeleteI have watched what happens to children like Jack when no one intervenes to help them, in my own family and that of my son in law. That damage goes on for generations! Bless you for stepping in and giving him stability. You are doing essential work! The joy and acknowledgment comes with watching the child flourish instead of wither. Bless you and your man every day. x0x0 N2
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to feel angry and disappointed, and you also have every right to expect acknowledgment and respect for what you’re doing. Keep telling that to yourself even if no one else does! Sending good wishes. Ricki
ReplyDeleteMaybe write them a letter expressing how you feel. You don't have to give it to them straight away, or ever. But it's out there.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly why we like to write. We figure things out as we compose a post because we have to compose the words for others. It helps me clarify a lot in my own mind. I would resent the other family for how much they can still do recreational things. Isn't it strange how emotions from dreams can hang on into our waking times?
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