One of my favorite photos of Jack.  

We went to court yesterday, things have been put off for two weeks because Gracie hasn't responded to our application yet.  She has an appointment today with a family court counsellor.  We sat and listened in court yesterday to other grandmas mostly, and one young aunt and uncle, asking to be allowed to keep children safe from their parents.  We are not alone.

I also talked to Gracie's mom and she still supports our application, although she thinks it should be for six months instead of a year.  I don't think six months is long enough.  You can fake it for six months, a year shows if you're serious or not.  I reassured her that I have no desire to take Jack away from his mom, I just want him in a safe, stable home.  We will not block Gracie from seeing Jack.  Jack loves his mom and she loves him.  Gracie's mom also worries that Jack will feel responsible for taking care of Gracie as he gets older.  I told her that's going to happen anyway I think.  She will always be a burden to her family, including her son.

The big guy finally opened up to me and told me about his grief and anger over his father's death.  His family can never be what he wants it to be, just as my family isn't.  My siblings don't have the ability to have a close relationship with each other, except for my twin sisters.  I've finally come to accept that and I'm not angry anymore.  They are who they are and I can decide when I will and won't let them be a part of my life.  I would prefer to have close relationships with them, but that's not going to happen.

My husband is remembering and grieving all the things his father said and did.  My father in law was like my father in some ways.  At that time, a good father made sure his family was provided for.  That was a father's only real job.  Boys were raised to be "men".  Don't show emotion.  Don't cry.  That's not good enough.  Do better.  You're not enough.  The irony is that my father in law left Holland because of the very same issues with his own father.

Added to that was an angry mother who just cut people, who disagreed with her, out of her life.  My mum wasn't like that, thank goodness.  My mum could be slightly manipulative, but I never doubted that she loved me.  My husband has been hurt over and over by his family, and especially by his mother, but hanging onto that anger and sadness can only hurt him now.  I hope he can let go of that anger eventually.  It's so painful for him to carry that anger inside of him.

My depression is slowly lifting.  I no longer feel dead inside.  It's an awful feeling.  I go through the motions of life but feel dead inside as I do everything.  Nothing good can ever happen again when I am depressed and I am always so thankful when it dissipates.  I don't know if most people understand how hard it is to pretend to be "not dead inside".  It takes an enormous amount of energy to just get out of bed, shower, go to work to care for others, come home to care for my family, all while feeling dead inside.  It's hard to smile, to make small talk, to look people in the eye, to pretend I'm okay.  There is only darkness and death when depression comes to stay.  The black dog is well named.

I've cried a lot this past month but I no longer feel fragile.  I can do hard things and I have done many hard things.  I can also still laugh, which I am deeply thankful for.  

I watched a video of an English comedian, thanks to Steve.  I had a very good laugh this morning.  Here's Russell Howard.

Laughter is the best medicine.  Me and a coworker having fun almost ten years ago.  

Update:  My husband spoke with a family court counsellor about Jack and Gracie.  The family court counsellor had just finished talking to Gracie about the case.  The court counsellor recommended we find a lawyer who specializes in family law to help us deal with this, to ensure we don't have procedural errors which could come back to bite us in the ass, going forward.  She also said that Gracie assured her that Gracie has the full support of her sister and mother (the two other guardians).  There was other stuff too but I can't be bothered typing it all out. Sigh.