Tuesday, January 10, 2023


The sun came back into my tv room last week, shining through the windows, making both me and the plants happy.

I've been home all day with nothing much to do.  Yesterday I cleaned the house, vacuumed, washed the floors, caught up on laundry and made supper.  Today I had to do something so I started finishing up the two quilts that have been sitting on a chair, waiting for me to finish them.  It's the binding that needed to be finished on both quilts, and binding isn't even hard to do, but it can be tricky, especially if you don't pay attention.  I don't always pay as close attention to things as I should.

I don't like just sewing all day, I want to listen to something too, so I turned on the radio, CBC Radio One and listened to a show called Tapestry.  It's a show about spirituality, religion and the search for meaning.  Years ago the presenter had a psychologist on the show, Jonathan Haidt from the University of Virginia.  He had written a book called the "The Happiness Hypothesis" and what he had to say just made so much sense.  The one thing I remember most strongly about that show was the fact that studies showed that writing/journalling, made people feel better, just as much as talk therapy.  I started writing then, much more seriously, and learned about cognitive behavior therapy, did that for a couple of years, and then realized how unhappy I was with my husband and got divorced.  My point is, her program was life changing for me.

This morning she had another psychologist on the program, Dr. Marisa Franco, and she has written a book called "Platonic".  The book is about friendships, about how important they are to us and why we should be embracing friendships as important in, and to our society.  It seemed to come at just the right time for me, after I had written about a friendship of mine that had died.  The author talks about how important it is for us to have different friends to allow us to express different parts of ourselves.  One friend does not have to fit all.  I have her book on hold at the library now.

Then she mentioned something that I had never heard about, The Liking Gap.  The liking gap is the disparity between how much we think people like us, and the opinions others have of us.  Most of us underestimate how much other people like us and enjoy spending time with us.  She also talked about how we all fear rejection, and that the more we fear rejection, the more likely we are to keep people at a distance.  Disclaimer, this may be me:)

Because of things that have happened in the past, because of how I was bullied as a child, because of my own family, I fear rejection, a lot.  I doubt people when they say they enjoy my company.  I try not to let myself be vulnerable.  Although I seem open when writing, in real life I can be distant.  I keep people at arm's length mostly through humour but also through anger.  

And then this morning I heard that most people are like this and I was like wow!  I didn't know.  Maybe people aren't blowing smoke up my ass when they say they enjoy my company.  Maybe I'm not such an awful person, because that's often how I feel.  I deal with a lot of fucked up people in my life and I usually have to tell them no and deal with their blowback and part of me believes them I guess when they tell I'm a bitch, a cunt, a terrible parent, a horrible human being.

The program was excellent to listen to and left me with a lot to think about.  I don't know about most people, but I always feel like I'm the only one who feels things the way I do.  It gives me great relief to know I'm not alone; it's not just me.







 


25 comments:

  1. I think a lot of bloggers are actually quite distant in life. Writing is a safe way to interact with people. The liking gap is fascinating and I can really relate to that. I wasn't bullied as a child but was so often the new kid and that is very isolating as you are constantly trying to work out where you fit in with the established groups.
    Great post, Pixie.

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    1. I'm an introvert and was very shy as a child and yet as a nurse, I am outgoing, warm, friendly and funny. I wonder if I'm being false but I think it's just different parts of my personality coming out.

      Writing is safer and it also allows me to organize my thoughts much better than talking does.

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  2. I like you a lot. It's unfortunate that we live so far apart, we could hang out sometimes. We all wonder if people like us. We moved a lot and being new was difficult for me.

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    1. As a kid I was always afraid to tell people that I liked them, because what if they didn't like me and as an adult/senior I come to find out that most people feel the same way:) I'd hang with you, but not on a bike. Bikes hurt my butt.

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  3. It sounds like an ideal and appropriate podcast for the moment and for many of us. I feel mostly like a secondary friend--the one who is always arranging the outings/dates and is available if the first-choice friend isn't. I think people like me, but I mostly don't feel important in their lives. I'm quite a bit like I am on my blog although I would defer to those who have met me in person. Only they know for sure. :)

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    1. I have one friend who never phones, I always have to phone her, it's just how she is. In the last twenty years she phoned me once to tell me that her husband had died. We're all so different but all want the same thing, a sense of belonging, a friend and love.

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  4. We listened to the program on Saturday while in the car. It certainly was thought provoking. I've recently had three unrelated individuals tell me the same thing they observed about me, which really blew me away, because I didn't think it was an accurate observation. But who am I to label myself? It was a very positive "review" btw.

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    1. It's nice to get a positive review, as it were. I usually don't believe people when they tell me nice things but I will work on that. I love Mary Hynes.

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  5. I listened to a talk last night by a Sufi teacher who was very pragmatic about the stuff we are facing, apocalyptic he called it, and that, as with everything else in life, we can only approach it and cope with it and overcome it by experiencing and expressing our love for ourselves, for others, for nature and all life on earth. I think it always comes down to it.
    A friend recently said that January always feels to her like driving through the night with that tiny promise of morning light ahead.

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    1. Love seems to always be the answer; all religions point to it as well. You'd think we'd take the hint:)
      January always seems to be such a long dark month. Why didn't they take away a day or two of January and give them to February?

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  6. This is a very interesting blogpost (Of course all your blogposts are interesting!). It's so easy to feel alone even when we are surrounded by other people. And when it comes to friendship, do any of us ever really open up completely? Most of us keep certain secrets and particular memories in impregnable safes deep within our skulls. By the way, I like you! That's why I keep coming here. It's nice to be liked.

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    1. I meant to say that I like that top picture. It looks like a peaceful, homely room with everything in its place like a finished jigsaw puzzle. Not ostentatious but thoughtful and tasteful too.

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    2. Well thank you Mr. Pudding. I like that you have a good sense of humour and can take some teasing. I'm looking forward to reading the book and shall report back. I think probably women open more than men do with their friends. I don't think there is any secret I haven't told my female friends.

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  7. I hadn't heard of the "Liking Gap" but that's interesting. I think I have some of the same tendencies you do -- keeping people at a distance through various means. You seem more self-knowing than I am, though!

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    1. I've only realized this about myself in the past couple of years. I did it with sex too because sex looks like intimacy but it wasn't; I still kept to myself. Now that I realize how isolating it can be, and how similar it is to my dad's own isolation, I can change.

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  8. Oh Lord no, darling. It is not just you.
    I loved the bit about how different friends allow us to express different parts of ourselves. I have known that since my friend Sue died and I realized that the part of me I shared with her had died as well, in some way.
    What a beautiful and peaceful room! I can only imagine Jack's relief when he comes to your house and is surrounded by such light and serenity. He may not consciously register it but trust me- he feels so much better for it.

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    1. There are so many things I wished I had know when I was younger, it would have made life easier.
      Jack is so funny because sometimes he'll tell me the house is messy. Really dude? His mother is a pig and I know he likes order because of that, but the messy part is usually him:)

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  9. It's not just you. You are not alone.

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    1. Thank you, you have no idea how good that is to hear.

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  10. You are not alone. I know these feelings well. Oh, your tv room welcomes me into it!

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  11. I love "Tapestry" too and often listen to it when I'm driving in my car and it comes on the radio. I heard the first part of that episode on "Platonic" but I missed the last part about the Liking Gap. I will have to go to Tapestry's online archive and listen to the whole interview now.

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  12. I've benefitted from what Tapestry has to offer, too. I can't listen to anything like that unless I am doing something else that frees my mind to listen uninterruptedly. I've listening to Tapestry while driving.

    Here's a song that I remember when I feel alone:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW0kE6mucFY

    Sending love to you. You're never alone, even when feels like you are.

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  13. Your TV room is very pretty. I have a similar TV cabinet, but mine is black, from Ikea.

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  14. Very interesting. I think friendships become more important as we grow older. I feel a few of mine fraying. I also feel myself caring less that they are which is leaving more alone. The effort to forge new friendships is not easy either. It leaves me with much to think about.

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  15. The Liking Gap is Interesting. I think most people are our own worst Critics in actuality.

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