The sun came back into my tv room last week, shining through the windows, making both me and the plants happy.

I've been home all day with nothing much to do.  Yesterday I cleaned the house, vacuumed, washed the floors, caught up on laundry and made supper.  Today I had to do something so I started finishing up the two quilts that have been sitting on a chair, waiting for me to finish them.  It's the binding that needed to be finished on both quilts, and binding isn't even hard to do, but it can be tricky, especially if you don't pay attention.  I don't always pay as close attention to things as I should.

I don't like just sewing all day, I want to listen to something too, so I turned on the radio, CBC Radio One and listened to a show called Tapestry.  It's a show about spirituality, religion and the search for meaning.  Years ago the presenter had a psychologist on the show, Jonathan Haidt from the University of Virginia.  He had written a book called the "The Happiness Hypothesis" and what he had to say just made so much sense.  The one thing I remember most strongly about that show was the fact that studies showed that writing/journalling, made people feel better, just as much as talk therapy.  I started writing then, much more seriously, and learned about cognitive behavior therapy, did that for a couple of years, and then realized how unhappy I was with my husband and got divorced.  My point is, her program was life changing for me.

This morning she had another psychologist on the program, Dr. Marisa Franco, and she has written a book called "Platonic".  The book is about friendships, about how important they are to us and why we should be embracing friendships as important in, and to our society.  It seemed to come at just the right time for me, after I had written about a friendship of mine that had died.  The author talks about how important it is for us to have different friends to allow us to express different parts of ourselves.  One friend does not have to fit all.  I have her book on hold at the library now.

Then she mentioned something that I had never heard about, The Liking Gap.  The liking gap is the disparity between how much we think people like us, and the opinions others have of us.  Most of us underestimate how much other people like us and enjoy spending time with us.  She also talked about how we all fear rejection, and that the more we fear rejection, the more likely we are to keep people at a distance.  Disclaimer, this may be me:)

Because of things that have happened in the past, because of how I was bullied as a child, because of my own family, I fear rejection, a lot.  I doubt people when they say they enjoy my company.  I try not to let myself be vulnerable.  Although I seem open when writing, in real life I can be distant.  I keep people at arm's length mostly through humour but also through anger.  

And then this morning I heard that most people are like this and I was like wow!  I didn't know.  Maybe people aren't blowing smoke up my ass when they say they enjoy my company.  Maybe I'm not such an awful person, because that's often how I feel.  I deal with a lot of fucked up people in my life and I usually have to tell them no and deal with their blowback and part of me believes them I guess when they tell I'm a bitch, a cunt, a terrible parent, a horrible human being.

The program was excellent to listen to and left me with a lot to think about.  I don't know about most people, but I always feel like I'm the only one who feels things the way I do.  It gives me great relief to know I'm not alone; it's not just me.