And this is why I love the woods. My foot is feeling better! I'm not limping anymore! I went for a walk at the dogpark yesterday and it was wonderful. The trees were still there, waiting for me, looking like a cathedral, blessing me with their silent benediction.
I'm still working through the writing workbook my daughter gave me for Christmas. Last night the prompt was to write about a time you were ignored.
When I was fourteen years old I met a girl who was to be my best friend for thirty years, until she wasn't my best friend anymore. We told each other everything and both went through a lot of shit together. We had both married the wrong man and both had difficult children to deal with. I loved her like a sister and thought she felt the same way. She was my emotional support person, even when she moved to Vancouver Island.
When I first left my husband in 2008 she was happy for me. When I went back to try again, nine months later, and told her, she literally bit her tongue. She had an infection in her tongue from biting it. She was angry with me and thought it was a stupid thing to do. I did what I needed to do at the time.
I'm glad I tried again. It convinced me that leaving my husband was the right thing to do and that I had tried. So I had an alcoholic husband who was verbally abusive, a disabled daughter who became physically abusive when she hit puberty, a drug dealing son, and she told me that I was too angry. That's all she ever told me, "You're too angry." She ignored my emails and just didn't want to talk to me anymore. Today it would be called ghosting but I had not heard that term at the time.
I needed her emotional support. I had been there for her when she left her husband and had even loaned her money to leave him, which she paid back. When she drank I was shocked at how deeply angry she was with her husband, but that anger only came out when she was drinking, otherwise she stuffed it all down, deep inside. I listened to her, comforted her, supported her and she did the same for me, until she didn't agree with what I was doing. It broke my heart for a long time and I cried a lot of tears over the loss of my best friend.
When I was writing about this last night I had to write and then distill my writing down into a four line poem. What I realized and ended up with was a poem about two angry women, which I won't share here because it's a crappy poem but it speaks to me. Both of us were such angry women and neither of us could cope with the anger in the other because it made us look at ourselves too deeply, I think.
I still miss the closeness we had; we grew up together and had history together. I was her maid of honour and she was mine. She was my son's godmother. But none of that mattered in the end. She didn't want to see my anger and all of the grief and sadness behind that anger, couldn't see it. And I was the same. I didn't realize how much anger and grief and sadness she carried either. A part of me would like to tell her this but another part of me feels the need to protect my heart and not put it out there to be rejected and stomped on again.
It wasn't just her and it wasn't just me, it was the both of us, unable to give the other what we most needed.
Oh Pixie, I think you should reach out to her if you know where she is, show her this post, which is so very insightful and sorrowing and wise. It may come to nothing, but there is also the possibility that you both may be in a place now to heal this rift, to understand and have some perspective on what happened. Then again, some relationships, no matter how intimate at the time, are only for a season, and that's ok too. But this kind of broke my heart. I must ask: What is the name of the book your daughter gave you? It sounds amazing. I think I would find some good questions for book subjects in those pages. Please share if you feel able to. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I'll be reaching out to her. I've moved on and I imagine she has as well. It's ok now. I emailed you the name of the book.
DeleteI completely understand. It just made me feel so sad.
DeleteI also think you should reach out to her. For all the reasons paddington said.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate that but no, it's done.
DeleteThis is such an interesting post and one that a lot of us can actually identify with ... wow!
ReplyDeleteI never thought of that. I'm not the first and won't be the last to be ghosted. It's funny, as you age, your realize that nothing that happens to you, hasn't already happened to someone else.
DeleteI don't know about reaching out. I have had intensely close friendships that have come to an end due to one thing or another and whenever I have tried to reconnect, thinking that surely things would be different now, I quickly came to find that no, they were not. Not anyone's fault. There just may be an expiration date on some relationships. What serves us in some parts of our lives does not serve us in others. But I think it is a good thing to try and figure out what the reason for the split was, if possible.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't trust her again. I have a hard time trusting anyway, but she hurt me quite badly. I have no desire to go through that again.
DeleteI'm delighted that your foot is better (don't push it!) and glad that you're writing in the journal. It sounds like it's helping you work through some things and come to important realizations. It hurts deeply to lose friends but sometimes we're not complementary to each other anymore. In a way, that is even more painful because all the hard work and caring won't fix it. I'm torn on whether you should try to contact her or not. If you did, it would have to be for yourself and closure and not because you expected her to respond or to rekindle the friendship. (which I know you're perfectly aware of)
ReplyDeleteI'm very happy with my foot. It took ten months to heal.
DeleteThe horrible thing is that I did the same sort of thing to another old friend. She forgave me and I'm thankful for that.
What a moving post. The loss of a dear friend is always sad. Sometimes we both just quietly drift apart and other times, like yours, the parting is hard and hurtful. It is the way of life. Realising what happened and attributing no blame must help the healing process even if it doesn't lessen the pain.
ReplyDeleteIt is the way of life, some things don't last. It doesn't hurt anymore thank goodness but I do miss having such a close friend.
DeleteGood grief I am so happy that your foot is better, I can not tell you how happy that makes me. Happy, happy happy happy.
ReplyDeleteMe too, very happy.
ReplyDeleteWow, that is deep - and so sad! The first thing I thought was that when you were leaving your first husband you undoubtedly told her all your woes - and she probably agreed with you and piled onto him too. THEN, with you getting back together with him maybe all her "home truths" about him were a bit too close for comfort. When my son and his wife split (her decision, she wanted someone else) I never said anything bad about her. I was angry of course but what if they got back together? They didn't and won't but I'm still glad I held my tongue. It's kinda sad in a way that you and she can't get together again but maybe there's too much water under the bridge now!
ReplyDeleteNo, she didn't pile onto my ex, anymore than I did. I did what I had to do, for my own reasons, reasons that she didn't like.
DeleteWhat I hear is you have more to process about this and are not to the point others want you to reach. It takes as long as it takes and needs to visit all the stops along the way. Be patient with yourself - be where you are.
ReplyDeleteI'm still not sure how I feel about her, other than distrustful.
DeleteYou are where you are - don't listen to anyone who wants you to rush to somewhere else.
DeleteThis is very interesting and I am sure that the writing exercise has been a good therapy - letting it out. I would love to read your four line poem. In a parallel world, perhaps your former best friend has a blog of her own and she has just written about how she lost her best friend. Now that so much time has passed by - could you possibly reach out to her again and reconnect - or is it too late now? You could say that you miss her.
ReplyDeleteI am not letting you read my poem, it's bad and I know it's bad:) I doubt very much that she would have a blog, she's kinda the opposite of me, very closed off and full of secrets.
DeleteI don't think you should bother trying for a happy ending with this relationship. She ghosted you. If there is going to be a reconciliation, she would need to be the one who reaches out to say I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI don't want any resolution but it was interesting to write about.
DeleteThis happens a lot, I think. Along the way for the rest of your time, there will be moments when you feel like reconnecting. But, one must overcome the fear for your heart before one can consider that. That may never happen.
ReplyDeleteI doubt I would reconnect with her because I don't trust her anymore.
DeleteIf you were to contact her, it could benefit you as a way to forgive both her and yourself. Even if the friendship has "expired" and it sounds like it has, you could ease over the jagged edges that were left so you don't hurt yourself with something unfinished.
ReplyDeleteI think I'll leave it as is.
DeleteA sad story - but it's life I guess.
ReplyDeleteI deeply dislike ghosting though - if we want to part ways with someone then I think we should have the courage to say so - firmly, respectfully (to both parties) and ideally with clarity about your anger or reasons - perhaps even with some residual care. It's the right way to part. Simply leaving the other person in silence can be selfishly cruel and in my view somewhat cowardly too.
I agree and thank you. And yes, it's life.
DeleteI am sorry you lost your friend. Some say friends, and people in general are not made to last in our lives for ever. I am not so sure. I see people who do. I am not the type to count on lasting for ever. I'm too reclusive and it is getting worse the older I get. Loosing friendships doesn't bother me as much anymore.
ReplyDelete