We had our family dinner last night, or should I say, my girlfriend came over for supper.  My daughter in law canceled an hour and a half before supper; the same supper I spent a couple of days cooking for.  She said she was tired and stressed, which I can understand, but then went on to say that she was in the middle of a spiritual journey, that she was an empath and a psyhic and was entering the hermit stage of her journey.  Anyway, she got her two hundred dollars as a gift from me and then canceled.  Lesson learned, again.  She's canceled three times on me now and keeps asking me for money.  I've given her the benefit of that doubt but I'm not doing that again.

I had also invited a girlfriend and she came; we had a nice visit.  She also went home with a lot of leftovers which worked well for everyone.  She doesn't have to cook this week and I we won't have to eat turkey for weeks on end.

Strangely, I wasn't surprised or even angry about my daughter in law canceling.  The whole empath/psychic was a surprising turn of events but whatever.  I hardly know the woman and perhaps she's been like this her whole life.  I tried.  I'm done.

Katie came over for lunch because the malls are too busy right now to take her there.  She has a hard time with noise.  She ate well and went home.  We did have a video chat with her sister which was nice.  

Jack was up and down yesterday.  Cranky at times and then sweet.  More than once he told me that he longer loved me, usually when I was doing something he didn't like.  I told him that I understood.  He also learned a new word yesterday, discombobulated which he liked.  It was in a book he got from McDonald's of all places.  He even knows what it means.

Do you ever wonder who you really are?  I do.  I've been a caregiver for many, many years, since my son was born I guess, almost forty years.  I'm stubborn and funny.  I'm impatient and patient, both, which always surprises me.  I hate disappointing people which makes me a people pleaser I guess.  I often find people overwhelming and confusing to deal with.  I am easily bored and hate putting in the time to become skilled at something.  But when I look back over my life, I have put in the time and have become skilled at some things.  So do I not see myself clearly?  Or am I both?  Why not?  Or do I just expect too much of myself and then feel disappointed in myself?

My siblings are not fond of me.  I'm too much for them.  I'm not fond of my siblings either if I'm truthful.  One sister is a relgious woman with a healthy dose of self righteousness that rubs me the wrong way.  My other sister has a brain injury and is devoted to her twin sister to the exclusion of all others.  And my brother has walls up around him that keep everybody out; he is my father all over again.  If I'm truthful, I have walls up around me too.  The only boundaries in my family were walls. 

It's Christmas time.  I wish I had a family that cared about me, that I also cared about.  A family of kind, compassionate people who helped one another.  The kind of family I have built with friends, so I guess I do have a family that cares about me but I'm too oblivious at times to see that.  

Does age bring any wisdom?  I hope so. Fingers crossed.