Monday, February 28, 2022

I'm stuck at home again with feet too painful to stand on all day at work.  I can manage the plantar fasciitis when I'm at home with stretches, anti-inflammatories and ice but when I go to work the pain just increases.  I went to work this morning and was limping around;  then I took a patient upstairs and at one point it felt like a nail was pushing into my left heel and that pain didn't go away.

So I came home and I'm sitting on my ass with my foot on ice.  I made an appointment for physio tomorrow morning and I'm hoping they'll be able to reduce the pain.  Because I'm limping, my left ankle and right toes are increasinly painful too.  Sigh.  

On the weekend we missed Jack's swimming lesson because he fell asleep before the lesson, so I took him for a very slow walk at the dog park.  We took Heidi and wandered through the woods with Jack saying the whole time, "Dis way.  Dat way".  I walked like an old lady and we both got to enjoy the trees, the fresh air and the sunshine.  It was a lovely day, no mittens required.



Last night my daughter in law came over for supper with her daughter and my grandson, whom I had not yet me.  My son remains in jail which is safer for everyone.  So this woman is not Gracie, but another woman whom my son married and got pregnant.  She's been through a lot these past two years with my son and is traumatized.  Her daughter is nine and is a sweet girl.  I didn't want to meet my grandson because I didn't want to get invovled with my son again but he's out of the picture now.  That sounds awful but he is either a sociopath, or brain damaged from drugs, or mentally ill, or all of the above.  I don't want contact with him to protect myself.  But his wife and stepdaughter and son do need help.   



So this little guy, I'll call him Charlie, is now a part of our lives.  I joked at work this morning that I can start an orphanage just with my son's children.  Charlie lives with his mom and she's doing better than Gracie.  She's not an alcoholic, has a job and can drive.  I guess we'll see what happens in the future.

Last light I felt myself holding back with Charlie, the big guy didn't hold back, but I could feel myself holding back.  Fear, I'm guessing.  Fear of attachment, fear of watching another child get hurt.  Fear of raising another child.  When I think of all the joy that Jack has given us, I need to let go of these fears.  

13 comments:

  1. I am so sorry about your feet. It's just hellacious when the feet go bad. When I had PF, I taped daily. It was a complete PIA to do. After about a year it went away. The goal of taping was to reduce the pull of the fascia on the anchor point in the heel, or something along those lines. Can you ask your physio if it could help? PF is just torture.

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  2. I do not blame you one bit for trying to withhold yourself from that baby. You are trying to protect yourself, as you know. Hopefully, this is a completely different situation.
    I truly hope you can get some relief for your feet. Do they have Workman's Compensation in Canada?

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  3. No matter what happens, Jack and his little brother Charlie will benefit from having you and the big guy and each other in their lives in the days to come.
    Good that you are writing about your fears and doing what you can to take care of yourself physically and emotionally in regard to healthy boundaries with your son. Hope the physio gives you relief you need until you are able to retire. Sending love.

    As always, I love looking at the photos you post. Forgot to say how much I liked the one of the birch tree bark a few days ago.

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  4. Nice picture of you two! And more love to go around. -Kate

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  5. I'm so sorry about your struggles, both with your health and also what your son has put you through, but by golly you've got two gorgeous grandsons!

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  6. I left a previous comment on a white copy of this blog--how weird.
    Charlie is adorable, but I understand the fear of allowing yourself to get close. Caring and connection can bring hurt. I hope the experts can figure out a way to help your poor feet. In your job and my former one (teaching), foot problems are de rigueur. All that standing!

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  7. I like that picture of you with little Charlie. You look positively beatific in spite of your painful feet. I am glad that you have allowed the first contact to happen. I hope that Charlie has an optimistic and wholesome relationship with his other grandparents.

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  8. I'm so sorry about your feet and the pain. I'm struggling with pain and my knees and understand how debilitating it is and how it affects everything. That "new" baby grandson is precious. I'm glad that you're being so honest with your fears and your trepidation. It's completely ok to feel that way. I have a feeling, too, that little Charlie will benefit from all your and the Big Guy's love, no matter how it's spread around.

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  9. Sorry about the plantar fasciitis. That's no fun. It's great that you got to meet your grandson but given all that's happened with Jack I can completely understand why you'd be wary! I'm glad Charlie at least has a capable mother.

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  10. I hope your feet feel better soon. Charlie is adorable but I understand your hesitation. I marvel that the big guy has such a big heart. Glad you and Jack enjoyed that walk together!

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  11. Don't let fear hold you back. Opening your heart to a child just strengthens the world - there are never too many of those bonds.

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  12. I confess, I wondered when Charlie would find you. He's adorable, Jack's brother. May it all be for the good because by golly you've got a lot on your plate. Sending love.

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  13. It is so hard to form attachments and feel some of the pain that can come with it. But, Charlie is so Adorable and if his Older Sister is too, I can see them melting your Fears away and making it worth it to let down your Guard and defenses. Glad that their Mama is more capable of Parenting them and is allowing you to meet the Children and form Relationship. So sorry about your painful Feet and hope you get some relief. Walking Old does give us a pace that lends itself to lingering and often the Kiddos enjoy that slower pace when doing things together... Life's pace is often too brisk and hectic anyway.

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