Wednesday, November 24, 2021

Homemade soap

I'm at home today, baking Christmas cookies and making soap.  Yes, I make my own soap in an effort to cut down on plastic waste.  Not sure how successful I am at reducing plastic waste but I do like the feeling of accomplishment that comes with making soap.  My lovely husband made me a mold a few years ago and I still use it.  It's adjustable and contains no plastic.

Jack is doing well.  He's been with us fulltime now for six weeks this coming Friday.  We have all settled into our routines, including him.  I have never met a child who tells us when he wants to go to bed, "I sleep."  At seven o'clock he's tired and it's time.  We all wake up early, including him, because we have to get him to daycare by 6:30 am so that we can get to work on time.  He has a nap at daycare but he's tired by the end of the day, as are we.  He's over his cold for the most part and is happy again.  This morning Poppa had to go to the bathroom and he said, "No, Poppa sit." 

I said, "Poppa needs to poop.  Poppa doesn't wear a diaper like you do."  He looked a little surprised and then looked at his Poppa, wondering perhaps why Poppa doesn't wear a diaper and is this a thing that he'll have to deal with going forward in life?  Pooping in the potty?  He also smiled.  

The other night in the bathtub he stood up, turned around and presented me with his bottom and said "Nana look," and then laughed.  He kept doing it too because of course Nana laughed.

He has a fine sense of humor that boy and he keeps us laughing.

Work is fine.  It has lost so much of it's sense of urgency for me.  I just don't care about all the petty details.  We have a good group of nurses working now, with one exception, but she'll never change.  I like working with young nurses.  They have energy and their energy spreads through the department.  I still care about my patients but have let go of a lot of my grief.  Often once I realize why I'm feeling the way I do, I let go of it without even realizing it.

It's cold, there's snow on the ground, winter is here, although it's supposed to warm up a little over the next few days.  We have another family meeting tomorrow with the social worker and Gracie and her family.  Should be interesting.  Gracie is supposed to come over today, the first time we will have seen her since I served her with the guardianship papers.  She didn't show her face on Sunday and I wonder if she'll come today.  I probably sound like a  heartless bitch but I don't care that much about her feelings.  She hurt my grandson and needs to deal with her problems.

I am a woman who has lived with chronic depression most of my life.  I was a single parent.  I put myself through nursing school and I left two abusive relationships.  I can do hard things.  The strange thing is, I haven't felt depressed since all of this started.  I'm thankful but it seems weird.  You would think that an assault on your grandchild, having him taken into care, a suicide and now parenting full time again would have sent me spiralling down but it hasn't.  Small mercies indeed.



  1. Your energies and feelings are turned elsewhere which is positive. You're too busy with Jack, work and holidays to fret about the other "stuff." Depression hits us(me) at weird times...often when I least expect it. When I should be relaxed and happy. When everything is going OK. I power through the awful experiences and then lose it on the other side.

  2. Have a wonderful day tomorrow and just enjoy that little boy and your hubby!

    1. I'm Canadian. We had our Thanksgiving seven weeks ago, but thanks:)

  3. You are taking charge, exerting control over what previously seemed out of your control. Establishing limits. Opening your heart to full time love from your grandson. That sounds like a wonderful thing to me.

  4. I used to make soap with my friend Kathleen. I wish she were still here to show me more.
    You are amazing. You have stepped up and figured out how to do what must be done with love and grace. I honor and respect you.

  5. "Often once I realize why I'm feeling the way I do, I let go of it without even realizing it."
    Hmm, yes, makes sense ... but then I must still not realize why I'm feeling some of what I do, even though I think I do realize it. Sigh. That would mean I haven't realized the deepest truth yet. More to figure out. Keep talking, Pixie. When I get glimpses into other people's experiences and lessons, they teach me something I need to consider too. Thank you.
    It does seem to be true quite often that when we are going through the roughest times, we cope better than when things are smooth, somehow.Example: I had been plagued by cold sores till Mom's terminal-cancer diagnosis, then sailed through the months to her death without any, only to sprout three (3 at once!!!!) just in time for her funeral in our home town. If *that* didn't piss me off! Funerals being an ordeal, to start with, facing all those sympathetic people at the church and lunch didn't make it any easier.
    Do you think having Jack in your care has reduced your anxiety about him so much that your depression has been able to lift? And that has affected everything?

  6. I never saw a baby's bottom that I didn't want to kiss so I get why you're loving Jack showing you his bottom in the bath! And I agree with you about Gracie. She's a mom now so it's time to grow up and act like one. In the meantime, Jack is your priority - and he seems to be bringing as much, if not more, into your lives than he receives back!

  7. Large mercies actually!!! So glad that there has been a reprieve.

    The bathtub scene warmed my heart and made me laugh. That boy.....he's the best.

  8. Thanks for the update. It's hard to believe that six weeks have passed by since you and The Big Guy took in Jack - giving him love, security and order. Gracie should be very grateful. Maybe one day The Big Guy will have to wear diapers (English: nappies) again but not for a few years yet. Like me, he will have nursing support 24/7.