Monday, October 18, 2021




I feel quite broken and sad.  Jack is ok.  He's clingy and says he has an owie everytime he bangs into something or steps on something.  He wants lots of hugs and kisses.  He wants reassurance that he is loved and safe and we are giving him that.

He's gone back to daycare this morning and the daycare operators know and understand that his mother has a no contact order.  We told them what happened, including the fact that his grandpa killed himself yesterday.  I am so thankful that Jack doesn't know about all the other stuff swirling around him.  He's sleeping well and eating well.  He's safe.  He's loved.  He's getting lots of exercise at the dogpark which he is growing to love.  There is a hill there, actually there are a few hills there, which he enjoys climbing up and running down.  

I took a couple more days off to deal with all this shit but it's going to take time for everything to stop hurting.  I remember when my dad died.  I was thirty-seven years old and the thing that struck me the most is that life carried on.  It didn't stop.  People still needed to eat.  Laundry still had to be done.  I know this but it still feels like life should stop, for a moment at least and I suppose that's what a funeral is for, a pause to remember that someone who was once here has left us.

I spent last Tuesday with Jack's other grandma and I know how much those two loved each other.  They've been together for more than thirty-five years.  They did everything together and now he's gone.  I can only imagine the pain she is going through right now, along with having to deal with Gracie.  I can see this pushing Gracie over the edge too but I'm trying not to think about this because Jack is our priority right now.

This poem is for Jack's grandma.








16 comments:

  1. There is a reason for the ritual of sitting Shiva. It is to acknowledge that although yes, life goes on, there must be a pause when it has ended. What a beautiful poem. I cannot imagine what Jack's other grandma must be going through. Absolute hell, I would guess.
    Meanwhile, your job is clear and concise and you have named it- keeping and making Jack feel safe.
    Bless you and bless all of you.

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  2. We are here with you dear Lily, bearing witness, knowing it cannot lighten the weight you are carrying. Still, we are here, wrapping you in prayers and love.

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  3. Oh my word, I'd missed yesterday's post about Jack's grandpa. I'm so, so sorry I don't know what to say. I feel sorry also for Gracie's mom having to deal with both Gracie and her own grief, but you're right - you only have so much energy to go round and Jack needs all of it right now. Sending you HUGE hugs across the ether!

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  4. Margaret, I'm sorry, I deleted your comment. I couldn't figure out how you learned Jack's real name, until I reread my post. I am tired. So, my apologies and I changed his real name to Jack for the whole post.

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    1. That's OK, I was concerned about that actually and am glad you deleted my comment. I thought perhaps I was missing something and that there was another person involved in the story. (although I couldn't figure out how)

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  5. Yes ... with you in spirit. Things can certainly be worse, as you said, and in spite of all the worse, Jack is safely with you and for that we can be thankful. Take care of yourself too. -Kate

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  6. Though "Funeral Blues" appears to have come from the heart about a real loss, I understand that it was written with a heavy dose of irony surrounding the death of a politician within a play that Auden wrote with Christopher Isherwood called "The Ascent of F6". As you say, the world keeps spinning no matter what happens.

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  7. That lighthouse says so much. Human presence that cares, light in the darkness, light in a storm. You and the Big Guy and his other grandma are Jack's lighthouse now. My hope is that those of us who visit here can be a lighthouse for you in this time of sorrow.

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  8. My heart goes out to yours and her grief. I cannot imagine all this being heaped on one plate.

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  9. I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I cannot imagine the pain you are all going through but Jack seems to be doing ok and that's on you, you're doing good. Take care. x

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  10. I'm so sorry for you and yours. It's just heartbreaking. Thinking of you and sending love.

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  12. I'm so sorry to hear about this latest blow. It's just one thing after another, isn't it? I'm glad Jack is with you, at least, and you're able to shield him from some of the fallout.

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  13. As always, it's good that he has you and your husband to provide a safe harbor.

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  14. Oh, my. I just read the last several posts catching up. What a nightmare. I'm so thankful for Jack that you and your husband are there for him, but how difficult this has all been.

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  15. The Suicide of Jack's Maternal Grandpa is so very Sad, along with all the other Sadness and stressfulness of this complex situation unraveling. There are no words really.

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