I still haven't been able to figure out how to work my new post processing program and I really do not have the energy to deal with it right now. It irritates me and I feel frustrated because I like playing with my photos. To add to my irritation, my computer sounds like a jet engine revving up when the program is running. I hate noise, especially machine noises. I've tried to force a stop because the noise is awful and it won't cooperate.
I'm feeling grumpy, obviously. Jack and I visited his grandma, aunt and uncles yesterday. It was nice to see her and we both cried a little. It still seems unreal. She doesn't know what she's going to do but will take six months off work to decide which I think is a good idea. I've been off all week and everything is a struggle; I can't imagine what she's going through. I didn't ask any questions, just listened.
I know it will get better. At least the sun is shining. I've been trying to go for walks. The weather has gotten colder which is my excuse for not wanting to walk but I walk in much colder weather in the winter, so it's not even a good excuse. Mostly I just want the last two weeks to be erased and for all of us to get a do over, but that doesn't actually happen in real life, only in the movies.
I have to go back to work next week which I'm not looking forward to at all. Grief plus the grief of my patients is a lot to carry. I know I'll be tired. Meals will be a pain. I'll worry about bedtime and getting enough sleep for the next day, even though none of that helps to get enough sleep. Laundry. Groceries. Jack.
Jack was saying mama in the car yesterday. I asked him if he wanted to see his mama and he said, No. Last night he had a video chat with his mama, the first time he's seen her in almost two weeks. He was nervous and held his hand up to his mouth. Gracie seems to think he'll forget but Jack's a smart little guy and he has not forgotten. Why would he trust her? She hurt him. She was drunk and she ignored him, neglected him and hit him across the face hard enough to leave a bruise.
I'm angry and sad and worn out. Somebody hurt my grandbaby. I couldn't protect him and that's what hurts the most I think. We couldn't protect him. I feel like we failed which is how it seems to work. We took care of Jack and we feel like we have failed and his mother who didn't take care of him and who did fail him, she seems to get a free pass. To be fair, I have no idea what she thinks but I want her to get down on her knees and apologize to her son. I want her to spend the rest of her life making it up to him, and not with toys and candy, but with attention and love and honesty.
I don't think she can do that but who knows? Maybe god knows because I sure as fuck don't.
Gracie's in rehab right? Or am I getting that wrong? I sure as heck hope she gets the help she needs so that she can be a better momma to that little boy - and goodness knows I'm sure her own mother could do with some help now. What a f....ing mess - and I'm so sorry you're bearing the brunt of it!
ReplyDeleteNo, Gracie's not in rehab. There are no beds available. This pandemic has overloaded the system, so many people with addictions and this pandemic just made it worse.
DeleteOne more thing Gracie doesn't have a clue about- no matter what Jack does or does not actually remember in his mind, he will always remember viscerally what happened. It will become part of him.
ReplyDeletePerhaps Gracie can recover and learn how to be a good mother. Not just a decent mother but a GOOD one. But none of us can know that.
I agree with Treader- you are having to bear the brunt of this. It's not fair and you already carry way more than your share of grief and pain. But when it comes to Jack- well. What choice do you have?
I am thinking of you tenderly.
I agree, the body remembers.
DeleteAnd no, there isn't any other choice.
Can you get some ready to eat or easy fix meals to take that off your plate both literally and figuratively? I can't imagine what the other grandmother is going through with the stresses of her husband's suicide, plus Gracie. Sadly, we all have to carry burdens of various weights and seriousness. Yours are heavy enough without adding the guilt, in my humble opinion. As always my thoughts and sympathies are with you. And DAMN computers!!
ReplyDeleteI'm not a fan of ready to eat meals. I'm a very picky eater which is why I cook so often and I'm a good cook, so even restuarant meals aren't all that appealing. I need to plan out a menu that I can live with.
DeleteI don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. He was with his mother and you couldn't know what would happen and even if you suspected it might she is his mother, the onus is on her to do her best for her son. You have done everything you could and then more, keep that in mind. Perhaps if you need a bit more time off work they will understand given the circumstances? I hope you all get the help you need to get through this very tough time. Sending very best wishes to you. x
ReplyDeleteI could get more time off work but I don't know if that would help. I guess we'll see.
DeleteFrom what you have said in the past, it seems highly unlikely that Gracie will be able to navigate a wholesome and healing way out of the mess that she has created. Would it be possible in the near future for Gracie to come and stay with you and your husband for the odd weekend or two - giving her chance to spend orderly, peaceful time with Jack and allow some emotional repairs to happen?
ReplyDeleteI don't think I could spend a weekend with Gracie and she still has a no contact order with Jack. I don't know when that will be lifted.
DeleteJust sending love...........
ReplyDeleteAs long as Gracie is unable to stop drinking, the no-contact order needs to be in place. Sending love and encouragement to all in this difficult situation. So many heavy burdens on shoulders that need respite, including Jack's small shoulders.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking about you and holding you in tenderness. Please call me if you want to vent.
ReplyDeleteWith God's will there is going to be a smooth way out of this mess. It's important that you believe this.
ReplyDeleteI would remind Jack from time to time that grownups can be wrong and make mistakes. When children (adults too, sadly, who should know better) are hit or neglected spoken harshly to, they often assume it's because they're bad or deserved it or are unlovable. I hate the thought of him internalizing that belief.
ReplyDeleteI wish I were there to have a cup of tea with you.
Kate
I feel like a stuck record, but: One day at a time. One breath at a time. One moment holding Jack in your arms at a time. His security with you will help him heal. I don't know if Gracie can be who he needs, but as things unfold, you will know just want to do. I send love, prayers, whispers of hope.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't fail him. She failed him.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I could live with it if I hurt my child. That's so sad. I hope she changes, but I wouldn't count on it.
ReplyDeleteWe once had an incident when The Young Prince was 9 and had unsupervised visitation with his Dad, where abuse happened, it isn't something they forget. His Dad was using at the time and had a Girlfriend also using... the Courts finally mandated Supervised Visitation only. As a Custodial Grandparent and just a Kinship Placement I had to abide by what the System mandated. I took it upon myself to have a Come To Jesus with his Dad, it made such a lasting impression that to this day, he never wants to make me truly Angry. He's clean and sober now and a better Dad to his Younger Children by a different Woman, I'm glad, we get along better and he has a decent relationship with his Son now too, to where they mutually want to spend time together and so it can work out in the end. It takes Work on the part of the Parent tho' and it can't be all about them all of the time. Sometimes his Dad still flakes out, but now my Grandson is a grown Man, he sets the boundaries with his Dad. I do so Hope that Jack's situation improves, mostly for his sake, but also for the sake of you all. Her Family must be distraught too, it isn't Fair the burden falling upon Grandparents and the Child. Been there, done that... but it's so worth it because THEY are so worth it! Virtual Hugs, Sleep, what is SLEEP? I don't think I've Slept in Two Generations of Child Rearing and Caregiving! *Bwahahaha*
ReplyDelete