Monday, September 13, 2021




I'm struggling again with depression.  I just wish it would go away and never come back.  I'm just so damned tired.

I called an old friend this evening and we talked for almost an hour.  It was wonderful.  We talked about addictions, anti-vaxxers, trauma, grief, children, cancer, family, you name it.  It felt good.

Maybe tomorrow night I'll call another friend.  I often forget I have friends I can lean on.  Actually, the real problem is, I fear rejection, always.  Fucking messed up brain.

10 comments:

  1. I wonder if anyone who suffers from depression actually ever "gets rid" of it? I am proud of you for reaching out. That is a very healthy thing to do.

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  2. You can call me. I am always here, and I'm sending you a surge of loving feelings right exactly now.

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  3. Sorry that the black dog has come back Lily. Look after yourself and be patient. Before too long he will slink away again.

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  4. I was just going to say the same as Yorkshire Pudding. The Black Dog is very real and very distressing for people who suffer from it. But he's right - it will run away with its tail between its legs. Hang in there!

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  5. Depression is horrible. That's for sure. I appreciate your honesty about your periods of depression. I know that you know that you are not alone. I used to wish that a car or train would run me over. I didn't want to kill myself but I felt that I wouldn't have minded being put out of my misery by something besides myself. There are so many ways I relate to you emotionally.

    Our bodies and minds are mysterious. Depression is especially mysterious in the way it comes and goes. My hope is that you will have the experience I have had of being free of depression. Everyone is different. Everyone has to find their own way. No simple answers. What I did, without prescription medication, for my depression might have no absolutely no effect on another person's depression.

    Without the depression, I have still had to deal with the tremendously difficult spectrum of painful feelings that are part of being human but the darkness of depression that I knew for so much of my life has been lifted for a long time. Yesterday was a dark day for me but nothing like the darkness of depression. Sending love and encouragement always.

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  6. I am so very glad you have a great Network of Friends to call and to lean on, that's Priceless. Depression is such a difficult Space to occupy and hold, especially when you never know for how long. I tend to Sleep a lot and feel Tired when Emotionally or Mentally I'm not in a good Head Space. Shutting Down isn't always an option when Caregiving tho', mustering Energy when it's absent is a challenge. Lately I can hardly stay Awake so it must be meaning I'm Emotionally or Mentally spent, not surprising given the State of the World... I think many of us are struggling with all of that, along with whatever else is on our plates.

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  7. I'm glad you called your friend -- and yes, call more of them! It does make a huge difference to reach out and make contact, I'm sure.

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  8. I am so sorry to read this. Wish I could help.

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  9. I've come to believe that depression, like anxiety, is at least partly in our wiring. It's about managing it, not making it go away.

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    1. I think so too. It's part of how my brain works now. The first time I was depressed I was only eight years old which means it's pretty well entrenched in my brain and there is also a genetic component as it's rampant in my family.

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