Saturday, August 1, 2020

I feel like a terrible mother, a terrible person.  I don't trust my son who has lied to me for the past twenty plus years.  He lies about everything.  And if I do talk to him, he thinks all is forgiven and that we should just carry on as if nothing that has happened in the past twenty years, actually happened.  There are no apologies, no changes in behavior, no improvements, just more of the same.  I close myself off, afraid of the pain.

It breaks me over and over again.

Gracie and my hubby don't understand how it feels for me to dislike my own son.  I don't disagree with what they say about him but it does feel like a knife to my heart sometimes when they talk about him and his lies.

I don't want to be in the middle of this.  This protection order, child support, child visitation cluster fuck that makes me the point man or woman.  I've been crying off and on today, trying to breathe and get out of my brain ruts with only limited success.

We went to the spray park with the little guy which was lovely and made me smile, watching children playing, enjoying life.

I wonder what I did wrong with my son and I blame myself.  I know it's not true but it feels true and I tend to be overly responsible.  I've taken care of other people all my life, or at least since I was twelve and my sister left her husband and moved in with us, bringing along her two year old son with her.  I took care of my sister's children when her husband was too drunk to care for them.  I've taken care of my own children and still take care of Miss Katie.  I took care of both of my parents as they aged and then died.  Now I'm taking care of my grandson who is the only bright spot in my life some days.

I could say I'm tired, and I am, but it's more than that.  I feel caught, stuck between Scylla and Charybdis. 

I also tend to think that how things are right now is how they will always be, even with the knowledge that this is not true, I still think it.  I remember when Katie was little it felt like my life would always be about her and her needs.  And it was for a long time but not forever. 

I know this too shall pass but today was hard.

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