Wednesday, August 5, 2020

I'm feeling better than I did on the weekend.  Sometimes, often?, I find life overwhelming.  My coping skills have improved over the years, believe it or not, but still I struggle.  I cry a lot when I talk about things that are difficult to deal with, so I write.  Not only does writing get the thoughts out of my head but it helps me to see things more clearly as well.

My life sounds like a soap opera at times and I feel like I only complain but that's only a part of me.  I have love, I have security, I have joy and I have hugs.  I am thankful for all that I have in my life but I also go down rabbit holes of worry.  I know I'm not the only one who does this and right now the world is filled with anxiety and fatigue.

The big guy keeps telling me to stop worrying about the world, to concentrate on home, on myself.  I don't have control over much in the world, none of us do.  And I try to do this, I honestly do and then it gets away from me.

But I'm a work in progress.  I do good things and bad things, I can be empathetic and narrow minded, I can be judgmental and charitable, I can be loving and cruel.  One of the women I work with who has two children, the same age as my oldest son, believes she is a bad person because she doesn't see her children, because she set boundaries, because she won't allow them to abuse her.  I feel the same way.  It goes against everything we're taught about motherhood.  Neither of us are bad people and we are convinced we are because of the actions of others.

Fucking hell.

So I fall down and then I get back up again.  I fail and then I try again because not trying would feel like death.  I have such a hard time accepting my faults, being kind to myself, forgiving myself for all the stupid shit I do or say or will do.  I am far kinder to others than I am to myself and I have to wonder why.

So it continues, this livelong learning, accepting, forgiving, loving thing that I need, want, to do.

This weekend the big guy and are heading back down to Waterton to take photos.  The fireweed should be blooming about now.  We will take a break from work and family and obligations and spend some time wandering around a burnt out forest that is regenerating itself.  Now there's a metaphor for my life.

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