Saturday, December 28, 2019

Another of the big guy's photos;  this one taken five years ago I think, in Banff.

Christmas is over thank goodness.  The tree and decorations are packed up and stored away under the stairs in the basement.

Christmas day wasn't too bad.  We had a lovely morning with Katie.  A friend of mine from work and her little girl,  joined us at West Edmonton Mall for a walk and lunch.  The mall gets busier every year.  I've been taking Katie there for as long as I can remember.  Katie's never been good about keeping hats, mitts or coats on and it's often too cold to go for a walk outside with her in the winter.  So we walk in the mall.  I'm not sure what she's signing but it might be meet friends.

Katie doesn't care about Christmas.  She doesn't care about gifts.  She's not stressed about cooking.  She just wants everything to be same as it always is.  We drove by the equine centre to see the horses, drove to the off leash dog park to look at dogs running in the snow and then drove to the mall.  I used to hate the sameness of her days when I was younger, I don't anymore.

As for me, I'm wobbling back and forth between sanity and crying jags.  I went for a walk with the dog yesterday which was nice.  Fresh air, sunshine, not too cold.  This morning I dragged out my stationary bike and rode for twenty-four minutes.  I remind myself that many people have it far worse.  But still I feel like a failure with two children who won't speak to me.  I overthink.  I'm too sensitive.  Blah, blah, blah.

Fucking hell I hate depression.  I try every fucking day to feel good.  I talk to myself.  I thank god every night, literally for the good things in the day.  I keep busy and still it tracks me down.  I know it will pass.  The days are already getting longer.  I'll hang on.

At least I can still laugh.

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