I'm tired.  Tired of bullshit at work.  It's stressful in the long run.  This day to day bullshit that seeps into everything, makes everything stink.  We have managers that can't manage, not even a little.  I asked to work one less day every two weeks and was refused so that's going to the union which is not something I've ever done before but I'm tired.

I want more balance in my life.  When Katie lived at home it was her care all the time.  It consumed my life.  And now my life is being consumed by work and I don't want that.  I turn fifty-three in less than three weeks and I'm tired.  My knees hurt when I climb stairs.  My feet hurt when I stand up.  I keep gaining weight because I'm too damn tired to exercise. 

Everyday I care for people who have had the rug pulled out from under them.  People my age.  People much younger than me and people much older than me.  People who had to retire.  People who were set to retire.  What's the point of continuing to work at something that makes me so tired for money that I may or may not live long enough to need or enjoy? 

I have a beautiful little granddaughter whom I want to spend more time with.  I want to help out my stepdaughter with childcare.  I want to garden again.  I want a dog and I want to walk a dog. 

I want to get off this treadmill because it's not fun anymore.  I love my patients but I work in a toxic work environment.  We are asked to do more every month but without more resources.  We now have to recover patients in a room which is used for storage.  There are no curtains in the room that holds up to two stretchers so no privacy.  Last time I recovered two patients there were seven of us all together in the room.  Me, patients and family.  The patients are wonderful about it but I am appalled that this is considered acceptable. 

I work with a nurse who to be honest couldn't tell the difference between a real problem and an imaginary problem.  She spends an enormous amount of time making mountains out of molehills and it wears me out.  She doesn't pay attention to anything.  I can't imagine how she manages to drive to work everyday without incident.  She is oblivious.  And if I say anything to management, I am "bringing the whole department down with my negativity". 

I'm tired.  It will pass but tonight I am so damned tired of bullshit I could scream.  The writing it out helps.  The screaming would probably just upset my neighbors anyway.