A day out with Katie.

We took Katie out this morning.  I saw her Thursday when she went to see our family doctor.  She looked good;  the doctor checked her over and took a nasal swab to see if Katie's nose is the culprit in all these infections.  When we picked Katie up I noticed she has another stye starting up which is how the last bit of cellulitis started. 

The big guy and I took Katie to a park down by the river for a walk and a run.  She doesn't get much exercise and I worry about that.  Katie wanted to run, so we ran.  Then we walked.  She was quickly out of breath but wanted to keep going.  I wasn't even out of breath so I didn't think it was that difficult.  When she'd had enough she wanted to sit in her wheelchair.  Then she got nauseated.  We managed to get her out of her wheelchair and she ended up on her knees, beside the path, vomiting and crying.  Did I mention the big guy hates vomiting? 

We walked for awhile with her in her wheelchair.  Some people went by with their dogs and that set her off crying.  She loves dogs but gets so anxious.  We headed back to the car after I had a weep which set her off crying again. 

For lunch we had hotdogs, sitting in a parking lot.  It's what Katie wanted, a hotdog.  And a coke, except she grabbed a 7Up from the cooler.  Her choice.  I didn't cook meals for her this past week because we were so busy at work that I didn't have the energy so we had to stop at M&M Meats for some frozen meals.  When we parked, Katie grabbed my hair with both hands and then as I tried to get away she got hold of my one hand and gouged me with her fingernail.  The big guy grabbed Katie's hand and I managed to get out of the car and buy the meals.  When I came back to the car Katie apologized.  We made it home without too much problem.  I wore my mittens and that irritated her because she couldn't scratch my hands.  

When we got to her house, the big guy got her out of the car and walked her into her house.  I brought in her wheelchair and she was already sitting down, looking sad and mad and anxious.  I kissed her and told her that her dad was coming next weekend. 

I love my daughter and I always take it personally when she attacks me.  She scares me because I know she can hurt me.  I also know she suffers terrible remorse which sets her off crying when it's all over.  And so it goes.  I wish it was different.  I don't know how to let go of this wish.