Wednesday, April 22, 2015

I had a meltdown at work today but I'm not sure why it happened.  I was working in our fluoro room, assisting one of the docs.  We had three patients this afternoon and the first two lines took longer than normal, which means I stood around in my lead for longer than normal which hurts my shoulders.  And I was having hot flashes under the lead, with my sterile gown, mask, surgical cap and sterile gloves on.  I could feel the sweat running down my back and my panties were soaked.  And I was hungry because I get hungry at 14:30 and need a snack but I couldn't have one because I was scrubbed in. 

So we finished the second patient at 15:00 and I took the patient up to the desk and there was my passive aggressive co-worker filling out her time sheets.  There's still work to be done.  There is still one more patient to go and I'm hungry and I lost it.  I also have a face that everything shows on it.  My friend asked me if I wanted her to do the last line and I said forget it!  I headed to my locker for chocolate and by the time I went back into the fluoro room, everyone was there which irritated me even more and I started crying, sobbing really.

I was not about to be labeled a cry baby or unstable or anything else.  I made myself stop crying, we brought the patient in and just as I was finishing draping the patient I started crying again.  So I had to stop and get undressed, blow my nose and scrub in again but I finished my fucking work.  Nobody can say I don't finish my work and I don't know why that matters to me so much.  The patient was a very sweet man who never knew there was anything wrong.  Thank god for masks.

So what's my problem?  I was hot and hungry and sore and tired.  But I think what got me even more is that I allow my passive-aggressive co-worker to push my buttons.  I have seldom met anyone more unaware of their surroundings and it even surprises me that she is able to drive to work.  Or maybe it's just the job she hates so much.  Maybe she switches off when she comes to work.  Whatever it is I find it offensive.  I love my patients.  I think the work I do is important and I also think that if you're going to do a job that you should do it well. 

So after work I came home and put my pyjamas on and hid from the world.  I made supper and repotted an orchid.  I ironed my uniforms.  I gave the big guy a massage because he's buggered up a muscle in his back.  But I still don't know why exactly I lost it today. 

On the weekend I had a very short, ten seconds, episode of double vision.  To be honest it was the most frightening thing that's ever happened to me.  I thought I was having a stroke.  I still have to see a doctor but it scared the shit out of me.  I've felt very mortal ever since Shirley died.  I've had an endometrial biopsy for unexplained bleeding which came back normal and a sigmoidscope for unexplained bleeding which shows I have hemorrhoids.  And now this and I feel like a hypochondriac and an old woman all wrapped up into one wet, weepy bundle. 

And I miss Shirley.  She listened and she always had good advice.  I trusted her.  I had a dream about her not long ago and she was laughing.  She had a wonderful laugh.  I'm glad she's happy but I do miss her.


  1. I am so sorry that you had such a horrible, no good, terrible day. That's what it was -- and maybe a few before it thrown in as well. Sometimes, as you well know, life just sucks and it's amazing that we choose to do it at all. I have no advice other than to be gentle with yourself. Anyone would be terrified at the double vision thing and the bleeding, and what we're terrified of is the unknown, the possibility, etc. I think sometimes that acknowledging those possibilities very willfully and then telling oneself that you'll deal with it when it happens is the best way to "handle it." At least that works for me.

    Despite all of this, though, dear Lily Cedar -- your write so beautifully and honestly and your photos take the breath right out of me. May you be well. May you be happy. May you feel peace.

  2. Those days. Hungry, hot flashes... that alone makes a crappy day get to the point of being unbearable. Add the stress of health issues and it all gets to be too much. And don't forget about being Highly Sensitive. The things most people brush off it magnified.

    I hope today is better.

  3. I think you should have your blood sugar checked. I don't mean to add another worry to your list, but when someone's blood sugar drops, it is not uncommon to feel almost ravenously hungry and very, very emotional. And now that I am back at work, I realize just how much I detest office politics, so I am with you about passive aggressive co-workers....

    1. I've checked my blood sugar, even when I'm hungry and shaking the lowest it gets is 5.3, so normal.