The bathrooms are both finished and I am thankful.  The floor looks beautiful and both toilets work.  I am so thankful for flush toilets. 

 We went for a walk at the Clifford E. Lee Nature Sanctuary this afternoon.  Took some photos of birds and flowers.  It was wonderful to see families there, children without electronic devices. 

And then we went for a walk down by the river to get a stick for the big guy.  He wants to make himself a walking stick for our upcoming hiking trip.  To our surprise we found out that there is a sandy beach by Devon.  There were kids and parents and dogs, all enjoying the sun and the water. 

It was a very good day.  My home is put back together.  I got to spend time by the river.  I am thankful.

What are you thankful for today?

 

 

 

Who am I?

 

I've been thinking about this question a lot lately.  I'm seeing a counselor, dealing with my co-dependency issues, writing and thinking.  I didn't know I was co-dependent.  I take care of everybody.  I took care of my mother for as long as I can remember, protected her from my father and his anger.  I took care of my sister's children when her husband was too drunk or unreliable to take care of them himself.  I took care of my children.  I took care of Miss Katie, still take care of her, and will take care of her until I die.  I took care of both my parents as they aged and then died.  I took care of my ex-husband.  I take care of the big guy, although I don't think he realizes this or understands this.  I take care of my patients.  I take care of and it turns out I do it to my own detriment.  How could I get to be fifty-one and not know this about myself?  But now I know.

 

 

So to answer my question, who am?

 

I am:

a woman

a mother

a daughter

a lover

an ex-wife

a friend

a caregiver

a nurse

a sister

a walker

a writer

a meditator

a photographer

an animal lover

a baker

a handywoman

an introvert

a scared little girl

a survivor

 

I'm practicing meditation now.  I'm not good at it;  I'm practicing.  I finally figured out that's why it's called a meditation practice, because you practice.  I started writing again which feels good.  I stopped writing when I met the big guy.  I need to write.  It's how I sort shit out.  I'm reading books about co-dependency and apparently I'm not crazy or alone which felt very good. 

 

I've felt crazy for most of my life.  When I started reading "Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional Families: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families" and then "Codependent No More" it felt like these people had grown up with me, lived with me my whole life.  It wasn't just me.  I'm thankful.  I'm also seeing a counselor who is such a kind man.  I'm starting to understand how much fear I've lived with my whole life and I'm learning how to move beyond that fear. 

 

I think that last descriptor answered my question best, I am a survivor. 



Things I'm thankful for today.

I got to walk on this beach last weekend.
I was able to come home from work today early because I was sick.  Not everyone has sick days.
I napped for three hours with the cat laying beside me.
A quiet evening with the big guy.
Listening to the magpies outside through the open windows.
Summertime. 
A very good counselor.
Leaves on the trees.  I love trees, in the spring when their leaves are bright green and new, in the summer when their leaves are full and rustle in the wind, in the fall when their leaves turn color and fall and even in the winter when the trees stand naked, pointing towards the sky.
My bed, where I'm heading shortly.

What are you thankful for today?

The same world that produces such beauty also produces cancer.  My girlfriend's cancer survived six weeks of radiation, four rounds of chemo and surgery.  She almost didn't survive.  The cancer has though.  Pathology report came back, it's not fucking dead.

I am  beyond sad tonight.

i·ro·ny¹

ˈīrənē,ˈiərnē/

noun

a literary technique, originally used in Greek tragedy, by which the full significance of a character's words or actions are clear to the audience or reader although unknown to the character.

I'm reading a book right now, recommended to me by my counselor, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.  On the fly leaf it says, "How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself." and that's pretty much what it's about.  The irony is, as I read this book I start thinking about other people whom I should give a copy of this book to.  I mutter fuck to myself and then continue on reading about how to help myself.

Excerpts from the book.

     I saw people who were hostile;  they had felt so much hurt that hostility was their only defense against being crushed again.  They were that angry because anyone who had tolerated what they had would be that angry.

     They were controlling because everything around and inside them was out of control.  Always, the dam of their lives and the lives of those around them threatened to burst and spew harmful consequences on everyone.  And nobody but them seemed to notice or care.

     I saw people who manipulated because manipulation appeared to be the only way to get anything done.  I worked with people who were indirect because the systems they lived in seemed incapable of
tolerating honesty.

     I worked with people who thought they were going crazy because they had believed so many lies they didn't know what reality was.

All of what she writes strikes a chord with me and I keep thinking she must have lived with me for pretty much my whole life.  Apparently I'm not crazy.