Monday, July 21, 2014

 
 
 
Who am I?
 
I've been thinking about this question a lot lately.  I'm seeing a counselor, dealing with my co-dependency issues, writing and thinking.  I didn't know I was co-dependent.  I take care of everybody.  I took care of my mother for as long as I can remember, protected her from my father and his anger.  I took care of my sister's children when her husband was too drunk or unreliable to take care of them himself.  I took care of my children.  I took care of Miss Katie, still take care of her, and will take care of her until I die.  I took care of both my parents as they aged and then died.  I took care of my ex-husband.  I take care of the big guy, although I don't think he realizes this or understands this.  I take care of my patients.  I take care of and it turns out I do it to my own detriment.  How could I get to be fifty-one and not know this about myself?  But now I know.
 
 
So to answer my question, who am?
 
I am:
a woman
a mother
a daughter
a lover
an ex-wife
a friend
a caregiver
a nurse
a sister
a walker
a writer
a meditator
a photographer
an animal lover
a baker
a handywoman
an introvert
a scared little girl
a survivor
 
I'm practicing meditation now.  I'm not good at it;  I'm practicing.  I finally figured out that's why it's called a meditation practice, because you practice.  I started writing again which feels good.  I stopped writing when I met the big guy.  I need to write.  It's how I sort shit out.  I'm reading books about co-dependency and apparently I'm not crazy or alone which felt very good. 
 
I've felt crazy for most of my life.  When I started reading "Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional Families: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families" and then "Codependent No More" it felt like these people had grown up with me, lived with me my whole life.  It wasn't just me.  I'm thankful.  I'm also seeing a counselor who is such a kind man.  I'm starting to understand how much fear I've lived with my whole life and I'm learning how to move beyond that fear. 
 
I think that last descriptor answered my question best, I am a survivor. 

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8 comments:

  1. ElizabethJuly 21, 2014 at 10:34 PM

    I think it's always good to keep growing, learning, stretching your mind and understanding of your mind. I am glad that you are doing all of these things for all of your "selves."

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    Replies
    1. LilycedarAugust 1, 2014 at 11:03 AM

      I wonder if I'll ever be doing but I guess that's the whole point, to keep on growing up until we die.

      Delete
  2. BirdieJuly 22, 2014 at 5:34 PM

    There is a fantastic app called Mindfulness Daily. It gives you a morning and night meditation and a "Pause" throughout the day. It is a 21-day introduction to meditation and Mindfulness.

    Lately I have been asking the same questions about myself. I have been a caregiver/caretaker my whole life and I am tired.

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    Replies
    1. LilycedarAugust 1, 2014 at 11:03 AM

      It's very tiring Birdie. It grinds a soul down.

      Delete
  3. Secret Agent WomanJuly 23, 2014 at 6:17 PM

    Mindfulness meditation helps - ideally paired with what they call lovingkindness mediation where you wish peace and son on for others and yourself.

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    Replies
    1. LilycedarAugust 1, 2014 at 11:06 AM

      It is mindfulness mediation by Jon Kabat-Zinn. He calls it a radical acting of loving kindness towards oneself. I like that.

      Delete
  4. kjJuly 23, 2014 at 10:08 PM

    I am doing a cartwheel for you, deb.

    Love
    kj

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LilycedarAugust 1, 2014 at 11:07 AM

      Be careful of your back Karen:) And thank you.

      Delete

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