All weekend long I've been thinking about my co-worker and I was unable to put my finger on exactly what it was that got me so worked up every time I had to deal with her. The big guy asked me what was bugging me and I told him. He said, "You hate injustice." and I burst into tears. Then I had something to work with. I'm finally trusting my tears, tears that for years have tormented me and embarrassed me. Now I use those tears as a gauge of how true something feels to me.
I sat in front of the computer and used the free EMDR program on youtube, thinking about injustice and then I started to ask why nobody protected me when I was a child. My mother didn't protect me from my father. My sister didn't protect me from her husband. My parents didn't protect me from the boys who bullied me. I started crying like a small child, it wasn't fair. And it's true, it wasn't fair but life is not fair. I am no longer a child in need or protection.
It seems I have spent most of my life fighting what I perceive to be injustices. I fought for my children so that my son could have help with his learning disabilities and so that Katie could get the help she needed. I fight for my patients. I told a patient the other day that I think of my patients as my family and you don't mess with my family. She looked surprised and reassured.
I think that's why I get worked up with my co-worker, the hundred and one small injustices she visits upon our patients because of her own problems, her own imcompetence. It's not fair. I'm hoping that realizing this will give me the distance I need to keep my emotions out of dealing with her. Fingers crossed.
Deb, I have people I react to like that too. It seems to trigger something past and brings it forward as if the injustice is as real now as it was then.
ReplyDeleteStand up to her here and there, deb. Just a sentence of truth and observation, no judgement , but clarity
Healing takes time. You 're doing the work,
Love
kj
The problem is that I was unable to deal with her without judgment. I would get so angry around her watching her waste people's time, dying people's time, that I couldn't talk to her without crying or getting very rude, neither of which was effective or professional.
ReplyDeleteI shall try again next week.
So glad that you hit upon your answer and was able to go from there. Tears are always a good sign. They usually mean you hit the nerve.
ReplyDeleteMaria, I hit the nerve but not the distance needed. I allow her to push my buttons still. Sigh.
ReplyDelete