We had some snow.  Yesterday's walk with Charlie.  About three weeks ago there was a scarf hanging on that fence to the left, no idea where it came from.  Nobody claimed it, even though lots of people could see it as they were out walking.  Then about a week ago, the scarf moved to a bush on the right.  Still nothing.  A couple of days ago, I figured it was long enough and took the scarf home.  I was going to wash it and donate it.  I washed and dried that scarf and then I looked at the label.  It's made of cashmere.  Jack now has a cashmere scarf.

There is nothing going on here.  I spent most of the week working on a quilt for Jack, listening to the radio.  

I did finally here from the lawyer centre and because it is me asking for the advice and not Katie, it will be more costly.  I thanked the lady and told her that I did not want to take up services for low income people and could contact a lawyer myself.  I called an estate lawyer yesterday and did not hear back.  I'll try again on Monday.

I was reading about this Canada Disability Benefit and apparently the federal government is to blame as well for the poor roll out.  Whoever is ultimately repsonsible for this fuckery, a pox upon them!

 

It was cold this morning, and it still is.  I took Charlie for a walk but didn't go far as my face was too cold.  I did take a few photos in the back yard though.  For some reason my raspberries produced fruit twice this summer, once late in the fall which I didn't even notice until is was too late to pick them.

I tried Boud's oatmeal bars and can confirm that they are easy to make and delicious.  Next time I may put a tablespoon of cocoa powder in instead of the cinnamon, or maybe both.

 I meant to work on Jack's quilt today but I also had some navy beans soaking, so I made baked beans and the oatmeal bars.  That seemed to take up some time.  And then I was also reading blogs and doing laundry.  Now it's after lunch and it's early dismissal today for Jack, so I'll pick him up at school and we'll take Heidi to the dog park for a walk.

As I sit at my desk typing, I can see a squirrel foraging in the back yard.  I just took off with a fallen pear in it's mouth (the pears are quite small, ornamental).

Otherwise, nothing is going on in my life.  I miss Jack's skills group and I miss my pottery group.  I am in the middle of trying to figure out how to apply for trusteeship for Miss Katie because an informal trustee is not good enough for someone and her Canada Disability Benefit has been denied.  I also found out that as of July next year, she will be put on ADAP which "...will empower Albertans with disabilities to pursue fullfilling job opportunities...".  If anybody is medically unable to work, they will be moved back to AISH.  As per usual, the government of Alberta does everything ass backwards.  I'd love to see Katie working for Danielle Smith.  Katie is great at shaking hands and pulling hair.  If the job was too stressful, she could bang her face on the wall or floor like she does at home when stressed.  

I wrote a letter to the Minister of whatever fucking department takes care of AISH and a manager called me a couple of hours later, saying she had been instructed to call me.  She was very nice but could not answer my questions about trusteeship, not could the Office of the Public Guardian.  Everyone says call a lawyer.  My daughter lives below the poverty level, but she should pay for a lawyer that this fucking government department should be able to answer?

This seems exceedingly complicated and expensive for disabled people to sort out, but of course nobody asked me.  Maybe that's why I'm a little grumpy today.  I am waiting for a call back from the Edmonton Community Legal Centre which provides free legal advice for low income people, so far, 48 hours and nothing.  

Two more mugs that I made.  Pine cones with pine needles, and oak leaves.  I love both of these mugs.

Jack has been having a hard time sleeping for the past few weeks and when I though about it, I realized he's had a hard time sleeping since he stayed overnight for Halloween with his grandma and his mom.  Last week he finally told us why, he told us about a movie his mom was watching which involved robbery, killing, and dismemberment.  Why on earth would this bother a child?

His mom denies watching such a movie with him in the room, but Jack's behavior says otherwise.  In the mean time, we're now taking turns with him in our beds and nobody is really sleeping that well.  He prefers poppa's bed because poppa is big and he knows poppa can protect him.  I assured him that I could also protect him, with farts, and then I let out a fart.  He thought that was pretty funny.

I'm trying to sort out Katie's Canada Disability Benefit that the provincial government insists that all people in the province of Alberta who are on AISH apply for, so that the provincial government can then call that earnings and claw it back.  It's $200/month which turns into about $150 million for the provincial government.  Did I mention that our provincial government is despicable?

So I had to apply for Canada Disability Credit and the Canada Disability Benefit and now I have to apply to be her trustee as well, so that I can deal with these because nobody can talk to me on the phone about her applications because I'm not her trustee (or at least that's their best guess because they can't access her file, because I'm not her trustee, maybe).  We didn't apply to be trustees fifteen years ago because nobody told us to.  There are 10 forms for all of us to fill in, which amounts to 66 pages of forms, plus her doctor has to fill in another Capacity Assessment Report.  Of course, all of these forms cost money as well.  We're able to pay but not everyone is.

I'm rage cleaning, but not really.  More irritation cleaning.  I seldom get into a rage these days which is lovely.  And I'll walk the dogs after lunch and that will help as well.

Two of the mugs that I made this last session.  I used plants, pressed into the clay, to make the imprints.  The ferns are from my garden and the wild grass is from my walks with the dogs.  The glaze is faux celadon.

Sabine asked me to list my coping strategies to deal with ADHD that I've learned the hard way.

When I was young, I was always late for everything.  I would leave home at the time I was supposed to be someplace.  Over the years I've learned to think backwards to get to places on time, which usually works, but not 100% of the time.  If I have an appointment for 10 am, I know I need to shower and get dressed (20-30 min), drive there (the other end of Sherwood Park is 10-15 min, Edmonton is usually 30 min to downtown).  If I need to pick up Katie for a doctor appointment, her house is 15 minutes away, takes 10 minutes to get her in the car, and to get to her doctor is 30 minutes.  Google maps has really helped with this because it can tell you how long the drive is.  I then just back up the time, so I know when I have to shower and leave the house.  I usually build in extra time for things I didn't expect, like long lights.  I'm also teaching Jack this.  It probably sounds pretty basic but when I was young, it was not basic for me.  It took a long time to learn.

Small talk is difficult for me.  I much prefer in depth, personal conversations, which a lot of people really don't feel comfortable with.  Nursing helped me there.  I learned to make small talk with people while I was caring for them.  Working in diagnostic imaging also helped because we had the same people over and over again.  I often remembered my patients, at the beginning anyway, and they appreciated that I remembered them.  I ask questions.  People usually like to talk about themselves and I let them.  I also listen and I try not to interrupt.  I also make my responses personal as well, so that there is a connection.  Having a good memory helped, although that ship has sailed:)

Understanding that I need quiet time was big for me.  I had three kids, one disabled/autistic, two with ADHD, and an alcoholic ex husband.  Our house was chaotic but I tried so hard to make it a stable, peaceful place.  I don't know that I was that successful but I tried so fucking hard.  Katie especially needed a quiet place, a predictable place, which helped me.  It was hard for me to slow down and accept peace, but I think she made me and that helped me more than I realized.  

I make lists about everything.  What I need to do, where I need to go, groceries lists, and I have a calendar with everything on it.  I also use tricks to remind me.  If I am doing laundry, but need to get something from upstairs, I leave the basket in the hallway so I will see it and it will remind me when I come back downstairs that I am doing laundry.  If I'm warming up clothes in the dryer to fold them, I will leave the light on in the laundry room to remind me so that the clothes don't warm up for another 20 minutes when they only need a few minutes to get the wrinkles out.  If I need to clean the bathtub, I'll sprinkle the cleaner in the bathtub and then I can't even use the bathtub until I clean it.  My keys always go in my purse, I use muscle memory a lot.  It helps if I leave things in the same place all the time too.  When I go to a mall or a store, I try to always park in the same place, to help me find the car again.  Routines help me a lot.  I also use timers now so I don't get lost doing something and all of a sudden 30 or 60 minutes have passed without me realizing it.

I also have a hard time with overstimulation.  Busy, noisy places drain me and I avoid them now.  I seek out quiet spaces like the dog park and the woods.  That helps calm me.  

Exercise has also always helped me.  I lifted weights and did cardio in the gym for years and then in my late thirties I discovered race walking.  The exercise was wonderful, but so were the people.  I understand now how much walking helps calm my mind and my body, especially when I'm upset or angry.

Learning more about ADHD has really helped too.  Understanding how my brain is wired, why I do the things I do, has made me feel less crazy and too much, and more accepting of myself.  I'm not doing this on purpose.  My ex always told me I was too much, so did my family.  Too loud.  Too dramatic.  Too emotional, just too fucking much.  I was a disappointment to my ex husband, to my children, to my coworkers, to my friends and to my parents and siblings.  That weighs pretty heavy on a person and no wonder I ended up depressed.

Now I understand a lot better why I am the way I am.  I'm not a bad person, not a crazy person, and not too much.  I am just me.  Someone who loves hard, who feels deeply, who talks too much about personal stuff, who has a hard time sitting still, who loves learning new skills and then wants to move on to learn another new skill, who loves both stimulation and peace and quiet, and someone who is finally starting to love herself (warts and all).

Yesterday the government of Alberta once again used the Nothwithstanding Clause to strip trans children of their rights to medical care.  Trans children will not be allowed to seek medical help in postponing puberty to allow them time to explore their gender identity without irreversible physical changes occuring, or to use gender affirming hormone therapy to induce physical changes that align with a person's gender identity.  Children under 18 have never been able to have any kinds of surgery related to their gender, they have to be adults to make that decision.  However, parents, children and doctors could use hormone therapy to help the kids get through puberty.  That option has been removed by the provincial government, a government that is run by closed minded bigots who believe everyone must think as them.

There are now 9 recall petitions circulating for Alberta MLAs, and they're mad about it, so is the Premier.  She says that Albertans aren't using the recall legislation properly, the legislation that she pushed through.  Oh the irony.

We had our last Skills Group yesterday.  It was a day to go over what we had learned, what had worked, or not worked, and a chance to say goodbye.  It's hard to believe it's been ten weeks already.  We also found out yesterday that the docs are going to make a referral for Jack to go to a trauma treatment group.  Children who have experienced trauma in their lives have a hard time with attachment.  I'm thankful that we'll be able to access this resource and of course there is a part of me that is angry that Jack had to go through any of this.  Can't change the past though, just do better going forward.

Pottery is done for this year.  Yesterday I glazed my last pieces and when they come out of the kiln there will be photos.  I'm curious to see how they turned out because I got a lot more adventurous with glaze this fall, I've been watching videos:)  The ladies and I will continue to meet up as a book club though which I'm very happy about.  I wanted a group of friends my age(ish) when I retired and I found one.  And they're all interested in reading and pottery, does it get better?

We've had snow twice, just a tiny bit.  It's supposed to be above 0C tomorrow, so hopefully the ice and snow will melt again.  I have to walk Jack to the bus stop in the mornings and he slipped a couple of times on the ice.  I'll have to check his boots when he comes home, to see if he needs new ones with better grips.  I managed to stay upright.  Yay.

I'm also working on Jack's quilt and it's coming along nicely.  I'm almost done making the squares and then it just needs to be sewn together and taken to the quilting lady who quilts it for me.  She has a long arm quilting machine.

And now for some funny.

 People with ADHD don't just get tired.

We get overloaded, by noise, by decisions, by everyone needing something from us, at the same time.

We don't choose the shutdown stage.  It's our brain choosing survival, because when you've masked all day, smiled while panicking, and tried to be on for everyone, your nervous system taps out.

This stage isn't laziness, it's not flakiness.  It's a self protective freeze.  A biological response to chronic overstimulation.  ADHD brains crave rest, but rarely feel safe enough to get it.

We call it burnout but it's deeper than that.  It's grief, guilt, and exhaustion all rolled into silence.  And  most of us try to hide it because we think we're the problem.

We're not broken, or too much.  We're just trying to exist in a world that keeps asking for more without ever learning how our brains work.

ADHD isn't a failure to pay attention; it's paying attention to the things others don't notice.

Five gifts of ADHD-from Lara Honos-Webb

Creativity

Attunement to nature

Interpersonal intuition

Energetic Enthusiasm

Emotional Sensitivty

 More things associated with ADHD 

Knocking things over, bumping into walls, and missing my mouth when I eat or drink.

Checking the time and immediately forgetting what time it is.

Feeling energized by big creative projects, but totally overwhelmed by basic household tasks.

Having brilliant ideas with zero executive function to follow through.  

Complaining about how tired I am and then procrastinating sleep because it feels boring.

Oversharing something personal or blurting out something sarcastic and then spiralling about it for days.

ADHD is correlated with "Justice Sensitivity."  We have a hard time "getting over" something being unjust.  We fight for the underdog.

We feel things strongly.  We have a hard time with emotional regulation.  We also absorb information like a fire hose.  News. Data.  I makes life hard.

Fixating one one meal for weeks.  Same food.  Every day.  Then suddenly you don't want it anymore.

You can do hard things but you can't return a package.  You've launched businesses or birthed humans but opening the mail feels impossible.  It's not laziness, it's mental load triage.

Needing background noise to focus but also getting distracted by it.  Too much silence, can't think.  Too much sound, can't focus.  It's a tightrope.

Replaying the same song or movie, over and over.  It calms your system.  It keeps things predictable.

The one thing that needs to be done and you've been avoiding it for weeks, even though it's important, you just can't deal with it.  Welcome to decision fatigue, or as I now think of it, I just don't have the band width right now to deal with it.

ADHD is tidal.

Noradrenaline and dopamine are dysregulated.  When these levels are low, the tide is out, and your attention is low.

When these levels are high, the tide comes rushing in, your attention level and energy levels rise dramatically.