The asters are blooming which always signals the beginning of the end of summer to me.
African daisy. A lot of my photos are ending up blurry these days.
Jack was sick all weekend, nothing terrible, but enough to make him lethargic. He had a fever, cough, congestion, and he was quite short of breath, even wheezing at times. I gave him meds and he had to use his puffer a few times. He sees the pediatrician in a month to get checked out for asthma.
I let Gracie and her family know that Jack was sick so his visit with his mom was cancelled, I'm sure to the relief of everyone. It was a long weekend this past weekend so most of them were at the lake, except Gracie (the one they're supporting) and it would have involved more driving. The lake is an hour away from here. I had an epiphany on Friday, none of them will every change. I don't know why it takes me so long to understand things like this (it's the hope, I always hope). None of them cared enough to check in on him, to see how he is, not even his mom.
We had a quiet weekend, until yesterday. Jack felt good enough to talk, but not good enough to be really active. His talking was brutal, non stop until he fell asleep. He should have had some hard exercise but it was raining off and on during the day, and he was still coughing a fair bit. Today he's at daycare, so he'll get exericse and I get a break.
I also decided that I will do my very best to make sure he has a good upbringing, despite everything. My biggest fear is that I will spend most of my retirement raising him, and that he'll still end up as an addict like his parents. That's a big what if and it doesn't justify me holding back on him. So, I'm in. I know, he's six. I've been in this for awhile but I want to let go of my resentment and just enjoy him because he's a pretty cool kid. He's also exhausting, but still cool and I love him.
So that's it. I walked the dogs this morning before it go too hot. Roomba vacuumed and I washed the floors. Time to sew.
I always chose portrait setting on my phone, you get a sharp centre with a blurred outer.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteIt happens in both portrait and landscape now. My hands must be shaking just a little. I don't even notice but my images are much less clear than they were in the past.
DeleteGracie and her family are real jewels, aren't they?
ReplyDeleteIt really can be a relief when we realize that someone isn't going to change. We can simply stop trying to change them and also stop worrying about it.
Acceptance has never been my strong suit. I'm more of a bang my head against the wall, hoping that the headache will stop:)
DeleteIt's a brutal realization when we understand that some people are self-absorbed and just don't care about others, even their own family. It's painful and exhausting to be the ones who DO CARE, sometimes too much? You are doing great work rearing Jack and he knows that you are his people. Kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for. I don't have any asters. I love the color of that African daisy. Some of the leaves are already starting to turn. I'm not sure I'm ready for fall, mainly because of the holidays.
ReplyDeleteI don't want Jack to get hurt, but he will, just like every human being that has ever lived has been hurt. Family is the best at hurting us too sadly.
DeleteOur leaves are starting to turn as well and the days are getting shorter.
Bless you!
ReplyDeleteThanks:)
DeletePeople are always optimistic but often end up disappointed. Maybe as your son and daughter in law age, they may find their way better in life.
ReplyDeletePeople make dogs look ever so simple and understandable.
My son and daughter inlaw are middle aged. If they are going to grow up, they better do it soon.
DeleteAnd yes, I love dogs more than some people.
The more stable and loving a home that Jack has will hopefully translate into the best possible life for him. We're all cheering for Jack and you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Debra. I'm hopeful. I've learned a lot since raising my own children and hopefully that will make a difference.
DeleteIt's hard not to resent. This was not how you planned to spend your golden years. You're an upstanding person to be doing this.
ReplyDeleteWhat else am I going to do in my retirement? Travel, learn new things? I can still do those things with Jack, just took me awhile to believe it.
DeleteI understand that feeling/hoping that people will change and it's so hard to accept that they won't because, often, they just don't care. I finally got there with my sister who lives in another country. My family haven't spoken to her since mom died nine years ago (her choice) and while I used to worry about her somewhat I realize she chose this - so now I rarely think about her at all!
ReplyDeleteI have a sister who has been awful to me since I got pregnant with my son forty-two years ago. She has toxic religion syndrome (something I just made up) and I'm not interested in having that in my life anymore, so we don't talk. I don't hate her but I don't want that in my life.
DeleteIt's hard to be who we think we are, or want to be, when the life around us isn't as we think it ought to be or how we want it to be. I struggle with this too. Maybe -- probably-- we all do. You seem to have arrived at a "What will be, will be" mindset, and making the most of it. Me too, though it's most difficult to accept the losses and disappointments and fears and discomforts! But onward we go ...
ReplyDeleteI'm slowly accepting me, but it's taken a lifetime. Perhaps that's how it is. Letting go of what ifs. It took me years to accept Katie's diagnosis, literally years. It was so painful for so many years, but I realized one day that things were never going to change and she's a lovely young woman whom I love, despite how different her life is from what I expected for her.
DeleteI can understand why you wanted to hold out hope for Jack's maternal family to come around. But they are indeed a selfish bunch. You will do your best with Jack, and I think he will be ok and wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI hope he will be and I'll do the best I can for him.
DeleteI really like asters but they make me slightly depressed about winter.
ReplyDeleteWell, you are in for the long haul with the young guy and I am sure he'll appreciate it when the time is right.
Would it be easier for all involved and esp you if you wouldn't have to accommodate Gracie and her lot all the time?
I love asters too. And flax, I love flax too. Maybe the colour?
DeleteIt would be much easier if we didn't have to accommodate Gracie, but she is Jack's mother and he loves her. I wouldn't stop him from seeing her but I want him to have the skills to deal with her as well.
I see resilience in those flowers, in enduring the heat at times, and in sewing. Insert fist bump here.
ReplyDeleteThanks DB, made me smile. Asters are tough little plants with beautiful faces, like stars.
DeleteThank goodness Jack has you - and perhaps he will be the one who redeems for all of those thoughtless creatures who aren't as in his life as you are.
ReplyDeleteI'm thankful my husband and I are here for Jack too.
DeleteYes, I always think of the asters as a sign of coming autumn. Ours are beginning to bloom too. You are providing a sense of home and permanence for Jack. There are no guarantees for anyone, but hopefully this will help make him a stable, grounded person.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, there are no guarantees for anyone, but I want a written guarantee:)
DeleteI love how much you love and take care of him. That is a great gift, you've given and just because mom and dad are sick, doesn't mean he will be too. We just don't know the answer yet. That said, you care for him the way you do, is wonderful to read.
ReplyDelete