I think this is perennial sow thistle, I think, I could just as easily be wrong.  I'm ok with being wrong now.  There was a time when I couldn't handle being wrong, I couldn't handle the opinions of others, and I couldn't handle criticism.  I can now, mostly.  Being wrong is ok.  Not knowing is ok.  I don't have to right all the time.  I can shut my mouth and leave facts out of the conversation, sometimes.

The thing is, Jack always has to be right and it brings out my need to be right.  We've told him he doesn't know everything.  Told him he doesn't have to be right, that it's ok.  Nobody knows everything.  None of that helps and none of it diminishes his need to be right.

Yesterday I saw a thing on Instagram about the Dunning-Kruger effect. Basically the Dunning-Kruger effect means that people with a low skill set in one area, are unable to accurately evaluate their competence in that area, because they don't know what they don't know.  Their incompetence prevents them from understanding that they are incompetent.  I worked with a nurse like this for fourteen long years.

On the other side, highly skilled people will question their competence because they have a better understanding of what they don't know.  

Which brought me back to children.  I wondered if children experience this, so I googled it and sure enough, children also experience this, although in children it's not usually called the Dunning-Kruger effect.  Children lack experience and knowledge and have no idea of how little they know.  What children do know, is that they keep learning and know a lot more than they did previously, so it's easy to understand why children would think that they know everything.  It's normal in other words.  

I always worry about Jack.  He's been through so much trauma in his short life, starting with his birth when he had to be resucitated, and I wonder how much of that has impacted him.  He lives with his old grandparents who are tired, but also have a lifetime of experience in both knowledge, skills, and child rearing.  Does that affect him?  Doubtful.

When we had an appointment with the psychiatrist who runs the ADHD clinic course on resilience and skill building, the doc was surprised at how well Jack was doing, in spite of his early trauma.  Good news.  It also helps just watching Jack's peers.  Yes, Jack has some issues, but so do a lot of his peers.  It's not good or bad, it just is.  Life is hard and we still have to get through it, hopefully with lots of hugs and laughter.

And now for my new skill this week, canning peaches.  I learned it was time consuming, but they do look pretty.  Cutting up the peaches, dousing them with lemon juice, and freezing them was much easier.  Now I know.

 

We're back from our holiday.  The photo above is Jack at Abraham Lake.  We stopped for a picnic lunch there and Jack threw rocks into the lake and tried to pick up the heaviest rocks he could find.

On the way home we stopped at The Enchanted Forest which exceeded expectations and Jack enjoyed a great deal.  When I was a kid we always drove past this tourist attraction on the way to Vancouver Island and on the way home.  Mum and dad never stopped there.  I imagine it would have been too expensive to stop there and spend another night on the road, but it would have been amazing to stop there as a kid.

The last photo is Jack on a massive rock at Naramata Creek Park.  We never made it as far as the falls because Jack was freaked out by the signs for poison ivy along the trail (and there was a fair bit of it), but he did have fun climbing on the rocks.  We ran into a family of seven kids along the way, and Jack had fun with the other kids.  

I've been cleaning up dog hair and doing laundry since I got home.  Yesterday I took Miss Katie out and we had a nice lunch.  She's doing well which I'm thankful for; it's such a fine balancing act with her medications so that she's happy and not anxious, but also not drugged.  I worked at Michener Centre (an institution to house mentally disabled people) many years ago and the patients were drugged and drooling.  Not something I want for my daughter.

While I was in Penticton I got to visit with my sister in law, whom I love.  She is the sister I never had:)  We talked the whole time we were together and it was wonderful.  Of course I cried.

Now that I'm home I'm feeling reenergized and I'm tired of doing most things by myself.  I have a hard time saying no and an even harder time asking for help, but I did.  There is a teachers strike looming here and we don't have anymore daycare after the end of the month.  I told Jack's grandma I would need help and she said she was going to Toronto twice next month, so I texted her back and her told the dates I need her help.  I also told her that I need her and Jack's aunt to take care of Jack one weekend a month.  We've been doing this for four years now and at the beginning, they said they would help, but their help isn't really help.  That first Christmas, they all went to Mexico for a month.  It hasn't changed.  So now I'm asking.  They're not like me, I would offer to help, they don't.  I'll ask now.  If they don't want to help, they'll have to say no.

On the Provincial front, we now have to pay for Covid vaccinations $110/dose.  This fucking government is shit, worse than shit.  What's worse than shit?  A goat rodeo!

It's been hot here which means unsettled weather and beautiful cloud formations.  We didn't get this rain though, it went further east and hit Vermillion and Vegreville.

Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time in probably a decade.  It was good.  My muscles are sore today, especially my triceps but it's a familiar sore, a sore that means I worked out.  I spent twenty years lifting weights when I was younger, an excellent preventative measure for osteoporsis, something I've managed to avoid so far.  My poor mum broke so many bones, starting in her forties, and continuing on until she started taking fosamax.  When I retired, one of my goals was to start working out and now a year later, I went to the gym.  I only bought a punch card for ten visits though, before I commit.  I know what I'm like.  I start off gung-ho and then lose interest, but I also know how good I feel when I lift weights, along with my cardio workout.  

We're leaving for Pentiction on Sunday, to visit my brother and my sister in law.  I'm looking forward to seeing them, but not the weather.  Penticton is hot as hell in the summer.  Thankfully there are two lakes to choose from and an outdoor pool at the motel.  I'm in the middle of cleaning and doing laundry, organizing stuff to take with us, and packing, because that's what women do apparently.  

I worry that Gracie is slipping off the wagon; August is usually the time her life goes for shit.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it.  She couldn't see Jack last weekend because he was sick and when I suggested they go swimming on Saturday, crickets.  I know she got my message and read it (for some reason my phone does this for some people), but nothing back.  Her sister thinks she's just fine, but that young lady has no credibilty with me.  She's been wrong every time when it comes to her sister.  I guess we'll see what happens.  I just got a text back from Gracie, a day and a half later, and she says ok, thanks.  So I guess that means yes?  Her not answering texts in a timely manner is still a red flag for her.

In good news, Jack and I have been accepted into a program that builds resiliency and skills for ADHD children and their parents.  We talked to the psychiatrist yesterday, a very nice man with excellent kid skills; the course starts in September and runs for ten weeks.  It teaches both the children and the parents how to deal with ADHD, which will be so helpful.  I'm quite excited about it, for both of us.  The psychiatrist was also impressed with Jack's ability to sit still and talk to him, despite the ADHD and the trauma he's been through.  I guess we're doing something right.

Jack will start swimming lessons again next month and he wants to get onto a soccer team as well, so he'll/we'll be busy.

This is what ADHD feels like:)

 The asters are blooming which always signals the beginning of the end of summer to me.  

African daisy.  A lot of my photos are ending up blurry these days.  

Jack was sick all weekend, nothing terrible, but enough to make him lethargic.  He had a fever, cough, congestion, and he was quite short of breath, even wheezing at times.  I gave him meds and he had to use his puffer a few times.  He sees the pediatrician in a month to get checked out for asthma.

I let Gracie and her family know that Jack was sick so his visit with his mom was cancelled, I'm sure to the relief of everyone.  It was a long weekend this past weekend so most of them were at the lake, except Gracie (the one they're supporting) and it would have involved more driving.  The lake is an hour away from here.  I had an epiphany on Friday, none of them will every change.  I don't know why it takes me so long to understand things like this (it's the hope, I always hope).  None of them cared enough to check in on him, to see how he is, not even his mom.

We had a quiet weekend, until yesterday.  Jack felt good enough to talk, but not good enough to be really active.  His talking was brutal, non stop until he fell asleep.  He should have had some hard exercise but it was raining off and on during the day, and he was still coughing a fair bit.  Today he's at daycare, so he'll get exericse and I get a break.

I also decided that I will do my very best to make sure he has a good upbringing, despite everything.  My biggest fear is that I will spend most of my retirement raising him, and that he'll still end up as an addict like his parents.  That's a big what if and it doesn't justify me holding back on him.  So, I'm in.  I know, he's six.  I've been in this for awhile but I want to let go of my resentment and just enjoy him because he's a pretty cool kid.  He's also exhausting, but still cool and I love him.

So that's it.  I walked the dogs this morning before it go too hot.  Roomba vacuumed and I washed the floors.  Time to sew.

As I lay in bed last night thinking about drugs and alcohol (as one does), I thought about my own life as well.  I was listening to a podcast the other day about the use of Miltown, one of the first drugs manufactured to treat anxiety.  The podcaster pointed out that there has always been anxiety in the world but people's options were limited in how to deal with that anxiety.  Alcohol has been around a long time, 9000ish years, and opium, 7000ish years, both have been used medicinally and recreationally.  Addictions to both opium and alcohol have been around a long time too, probably about 9000ish and 7000ish years.  So I was thinking about all of this as I tried to fall asleep and then I thought about trying to teach Jack resilience and wondered how on earth can I teach him resilence when I don't feel that I have resillence.

And then I thought, "but all the shit you've lived though, and you're not a drug addict or alcoholic", if that isn't resilence, then what is?  So maybe I can teach Jack how to be resilent.  How I do it isn't pretty, but I've survived a lot in my lifetime, and have lived 62 years as someone with ADHD and no medications, and no self medications.  Not too shabby.

In other news, my son has already started playing his control games.  I've probably pissed off Jack's other grandma when I told her that I wasn't going to let my son hurt Jack, the way her daughter has hurt Jack.  My shoulders are already sore from tension.  So much for my fucking reslience!  

I'm going to visit my friend this afternoon.  She'll listen to my complaints, she won't judge, and at the end of it, she'll hug me.