Charlie and his golden eyes.  He's such a sweet dog, afraid of almost everything but so sweet.  He weighs 65 pounds and he's a afraid of everything:)

It's been a long week already.  I'm still not feeling 100% and I'm coughing up lots of crud, so that's fun.  Jack's been having a hard time too, two major meltdowns in one week, screaming and crying kind of meltdowns.  The last meltdown lasted 45 minutes.  He hasn't been like this for a long time, so I asked his aunt if his mom had been telling him crap.  Turns out she hasn't, which is really good.  She misses him and he misses her, which is really good.  

Jack also said that he wished he was in heaven which felt like a knife to the heart, but it turns out he and his aunt were talking about grandpa in heaven.  She told Jack that it's a magical place where grandpa can do whatever he wants, so the both of us are guessing that's where the wish he could go to heaven is all about and not death.  That was a relief.

She also said that last time Jack visited his mom he hung onto her for five mintues saying goodbye, to me that means he misses her.  So yesterday when I picked him up from daycare, I asked Jack if he would like to spend more time with mama and he said yes.  He's old enough to have input now and he can also tell us if things are going wrong.  We'll start out with one night for six months, and see how things go.

I also told Jack's aunt that I want to know if Gracie is attending AA, if she is sober, and if she is on any medications.  I'm sure Gracie will see this as none of my business, but it is my business because I'm a guardian.  If I was sick, I would let Gracie and her mom know.  If things changed in our household, I would let them know.  Whether we like it or not, we're stuck together as an ersatz family.

Hubby has agreed with the plan going forward, and I feel better about it too.  I have no desire to stop Jack and Gracie being together, but we need to keep Jack safe too.  Jack seems happier knowing he'll see his mom more.  

I went to my pottery class yesterday and glazed most of my creations.  The pot below is my new orchid pot and when it's fired, the glaze will be blue, with another colour around the upper edge which I can't remember.  I found the glazing to be stressful again, even though I knew what to expect.  It feels like blind painting, or maybe colourblind painting.  I knew a bit more this time though, and I tried some different things which stressed me out.  I let it go.  Pottery is organic and mistakes are incorporated into the piece.  Wabi-sabi.  It's good practice for me, the letting go.

 

I made a little candle holder with a bee on it and honeycombs. I'll fill it with beeswax and have a candle.  It looks terrible right now but it's supposed to turn out a golden brown.  Fingers crossed.  As you can see, the glaze looks reddish and when it drips on the floor, it looks like blood (I'm a nurse and one of the other ladies is a nurse/paramedic).  It has iron oxide in the glaze, which is what makes it look like blood, and the iron acts as a flux (which promotes the formation of glass in the glaze).  Glaze also contains silica which makes the clay and the glaze, hard and strong.  Who knew?

As I type, I start to feel better.  I've written two posts in the last couple of days which were sad.  But writing this stuff out, it gives me hope.  One of my biggest fears is that Jack will turn out just like his dad, despite everything, and that fills me with dread.  I know he's not his dad, but I also know I have a finite number of days left on this planet and I really don't want to get to the end of my days and realize that it was all for not.  I guess we all want that, don't we?

I printed up this prayer for myself, to remind myself that not only am I imperfect, but that I can forgive myself and others, for being imperfect.