It was a busy two weeks but it was also nice to have two visits with my daughter. We're still working on rebuilding our relationship. I still don't trash talk my exhusband, despite the fact that he did , about me, for ten years. I don't want to poison any future relationship she may or may not have with him. It's funny though, it took years for me to understand that he was abusive. He did a good job of convincing me that I was the problem.
Jack has been a shit. He knows everything. He's tired and grumpy. He's mad at me a lot. So I googled, why is my five year old so angry? Past trauma, ADHD, unresolved grief. He's had a lot to deal with in his short life and I forget that, or I get triggered. He's pretty good at pushing my buttons and he knows how to hurt me. I always wonder what goes on when he's at his mother's place. I know she fills him up with candy and buys him lots of toys. He doesn't hug her when he sees her. It's heartbreaking really. He probably wonders why he can't have a normal family, which makes me laugh. Who has a normal family? We always think other people have normal families, it's just us that has the weird family, until we grow up and start comparing stories with other people and realize that pretty much all families are weird in some way.
I have to remember to take a deep breath before I respond to him. Show him how to deal with anger in a good way, because I'm so good at that. Don't fly off the handle. Don't get offended so easily. Don't snap at people. Don't say things you'll regret. Bloody hell, this kid is going to make me grow up even more. More self development. More self control. Sigh.
I may be tired too and the wind has been blowing hard all day which irritates me. It's nice for awhile and then it just starts to bug me.
We are human and lose our tempers/patience sometimes too. But growth is good. I'm learning too, about what I can and can't control. It's a hard, hard lesson. Is Jack still seeing his mother periodically? That undoubtedly sets him off. It's not only children who don't deal with their confusion and pain in healthy ways. :( I'm glad you got to spend time with your daughter and that the relationship is better. Enjoy those moments!
ReplyDeleteI'm usually patient with him but sometimes he gets my goat and last night he did. We talked this morning. I asked him what was bugging him and he said he didn't know. He sat with me for awhile and I held him and told him that I love him, even when he's grumpy.
DeleteJack is usually grumpy when he comes back from his mom's but he spent most of the weekend with his grandma and I thought he would be better, but no. Poor guy.
Use your professional skills. You must have dealt with some very unreasonable patients at times. Hopefully you never let them get to you. That's a big ask, I know. Just some food for thought.
ReplyDeleteGrumpy, angry, stressed out patients are easy to deal with, they're not related to me and I'm always the one who ended up with those patients when they pissed off the other nurses. Except for one guy, he was such a dick. I missed his IV and he dismissed me and told me to go find a professional to start his IV.
DeleteA lot of my irriation with Jack comes from worrying that I'm not doing a good job with him and that he'll end up just like his dad. A lot to put on myself, I know. Deep breaths.
When I went for my first reflexology session recently (I won a voucher) she was asking me some general questions and asked me to rate my stress levels from 1 to 10. I said 2 and she couldn't believe how low it was. Then I realized I have always been very relaxed - that is until I married a lunatic, and my stress levels were through the roof for 26 years! As soon as the divorce was finalized, I got the old me back, so I get what you say about your ex-husband and not wanting to emotionally vomit on your daughter. My kids knew what my ex was but he's still their dad and they love him, only now they get to deal with him away from me. I'm so glad you've gotten your daughter back, and you are doing a wonderful job with Jack! He obviously feels safe enough with you to let his true feelings out, however unpleasant they are for both you and him!
ReplyDeleteI forget sometimes that we only get mad at people who we feel safe with. Thanks for the reminder. A few weeks ago he was mad and I told him that it was okay to get mad but you can't yell. He said that his mom said he's not allowed to get mad. Speaking of lunatics:)
DeleteNow that retirement has started, I hope you get some time for yourself!
ReplyDeleteI have a day with no plans and I'm wondering what I'll do:) I know it'll sort itself out but today I have no obligations. It's weird.
DeleteIt's weird. Almost forty-five years after my divorce from my ex, I've been going through some sort of renewing of my anger towards him. It comes in waves and is weird. I think I tried TOO hard to be fair and not trash him around the kids. Okay, not really, but in those attempts I denied even to myself that he'd been such a complete shit. He slept with everyone while we were married. He lied about things that didn't even matter. He literally admitted that to me.
ReplyDeleteWe never really completely get over these things, do we?
I know that taking care of Jack is so very hard. I also know that of course you're doing it because that's who you are but dammit, woman! You are allowed to have some resentment even as you love him tremendously.
Is your exhusband a narcissist? There seem to be a lot of them, they don't care about other people, only themselves.
DeleteI feel bad when I get irritated with him. I know that it's not his fault, he's five, but when I'm tired, I get grumpy too.
Yes, always take that deep breath before you respond to that boy. Wise decision. Five year olds are fighting many battles, traumatised or not, and pushing boundaries is just one of them. You can make this boy's life so much better, I admire your honesty.
ReplyDeleteAfter my father left my mother - horrible, despicable story - both parents tried to use their children to trash talk about each other. It was one of the few times we all agreed and told them in no uncertain words to stop it or get lost for good.
We had a shitty marriage and I did things too but that's between him and me. My kids shouldn't have to deal with it but surprise, my ex didn't think that way. He hasn't changed but now my daughter is truly seeing him for what he is and it's been hard on her.
DeleteDeep breaths. It's so hard being a kid, not to mention a kid with insane parents. It makes me want to weep but he also needs to learn how to behave in the world (don't shit on people).
So true that all families are weird. And all families, it seems, weather estrangements of some sort. I'm so sorry Jack is hurting. Will he let you gather him in your arms when he's in a mood? Poor kid is dealing with a lot, and so are you. Life does force us to grow, dang it. My daughter like to say "Life is lifing again."
ReplyDeleteSometimes he let me hold him and sometimes he won't, which I respect. He went to bed mad at me last night but was good this morning. He has a lot of big feelings and I forget that at times.
DeleteI think your take-a-moment, deep-breath approach is a good one. Probably not easy in the moment, but it may prevent you from saying or doing things you regret. Far be it from me to offer any child-rearing advice, because what do I know? But that seems sensible. There's something beautiful about the fact that he's teaching you, and you're still learning. Growing up is not a one-way street!
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm done growing and learning:) I know, it never ends, which is a good thing. No wind today so I'm less irritable.
DeleteI agree with you about families. I have met so many people who had psychological trauma in their childhood and into adulthood from a parent or parents. I wish his mom would be put on supervised visits. You and Jack will learn through each other. You had time with your daughter that had to make you feel good. I bet it was a lovely party. I guess I'm anonymous. Sandra, this & that.
ReplyDeleteI guess blogger is being weird. Parents aren't always good, you know that personally. Gracie's family has no desire to supervise her visits, they don't want to be around her. She is a difficult, unpleasant, unpredictable child which I may bring up at the JDR. Her sister and mother don't want to spend time with her, but they're making a five year old spend time with her. Hypocritical.
ReplyDelete