Change is always hard, at least for me, but I suspect it is for everybody. Retirement has me thinking, about myself, about what I want in my life, about the time I have left on this planet. I'll be sixty-two in September and hubby and I are raising a five year old. We will not be filling our time with cruises, moving to Arizona for half the year or moving altogether. We will stay here, near Edmonton, because of Katie and Jack. If we do want to travel, Jack will have to come with us because it seems unlikely that his other family will want to or be able to care for him. It's not quite what I thought, but it's doable. We're talking about renting an RV and visiting the Yukon next year. We'll see.
I want to visit my daughter in Vancouver more often which means arranging child care.
I want to spend more time taking photos and I want to join a photography group.
I do want to do some travel, Ireland, Scotland, Holland, Italy and Costa Rica; I want to take long walks in all of those countries.
I want to learn how to weave baskets, don't laugh, it's true. Handwoven baskets are beautiful.
I want to take dance lessons and singing lessons.
I want to spend more time quilting, but only in the winter.
I want to redo the master bathroom and repaint the house.
I want to trace my ancestors back as far as possible.
Most of all though, I want to learn to accept myself as fully as possible. I keep people at arms length, out of habit or fear or both. I fear rejection more than anything in this world. I judge others, all the time, which means I also judge myself, all the time. I distrust my instincts because I've been lied to for most of my life. I want to free myself of these, what do we call them? Bad habits? Trauma responses? My personality? Life choices? Bullshit?
I want to do better, I want to feel better. Living with depression means that good days are like a normal day for most people. I fake it all the time but it's getting harder to fake it as I get older. It's tiring carrying around this much grief and sadness. I need to lay it all down, or perhaps bury it someplace beautiful. I want to let go of my own grief, as well as all of the accumulated grief of my parents and grandparents. I can't change anything but I so desperately want to let go of it.
Are there really any people in the world who are happy the majority of the time? Is this a lie we tell ourselves? Do Buddhists have it right? Let go of everything?
I feel you are right to acknowledge the Buddhist way to finding your inner peace! Hopefully, retirement will lead you to that and let you fulfill your dreams of doing so many things ... Doing your bucket list!
ReplyDeleteMostly, I just want to be okay with who I am.
DeleteThis is a beautiful and very important post. You should print it out and reread it frequently.
ReplyDeleteI especially liked the Buddhist prayer of forgiveness. I think I will print that one up.
DeleteI think it will all fall into place one way or another, retirement. The advice I got from several people, especially when I listed all my plans, was to allow yourself to slow down first. I am working on it.
ReplyDeleteI figure I've got another twenty-five years, so I've got time. Fingers crossed:)
DeleteRetirement will change your perspective on many things. You will have more time to relax. As someone who lives with anxiety, I'm not sure I understand happiness, but there are peaceful, content, and quiet states of being that for all I know are what others refer to as happiness.
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to not having to worry about having enough time, and to not having to get up so early. Happiness is so fleeting, isn't it? It would be nice to just feel okay, not sad, not lonely, just okay.
DeleteMay all your hopes, dreams and plans for retirement come true! A helpful Buddhist writer is Jack Kornfield and any of his books about Buddhist Psychology. He writes for western readers. He sees Buddhism not as a religion so much as a psychological way of being in the world.
ReplyDeleteI have one of Jack Kornfield's books, "The Wise Heart". Maybe I'll reread it.
DeleteHi Pixie,
ReplyDeleteThankns for visiting my blog. I came to check you out, so to speak and here we are. I am in the fortunate position of being happy enough most of the time. I don't how that happened, I guess my young life was free of trauma and maybe I'm wired happy. I'm pretty sure luck is a big factor.
Yes, rent the RV, travel, sing, quilt, research. Singing is really great for healing and so is awe and wonder, which theres plenty of in nature.
I wish you the very best for retirement!
Thank you Kylie and thank you for giving me hope.
DeleteI retired 10 months ago and all the things I wanted to do have all been pushed aside caring for my mother who has dementia. I love my mom but I am very frustrated that even taking a month long trip with my little trailer cannot happen right now. I worry that by the time I am able to have my time as mine some of my health issues as well as worrying that I will follow the same fate will make it not possible.
ReplyDeleteI took care of both of my parents as they aged and died, but they were older when they had me, which meant I was younger when they needed my care. Retiring to find yourself being the full time carer of your mother would be hard, and add to that, your own fears of ending up with dementia as well, that just all around sucks. It doesn't mean you don't love your mom, it just means that you're normal. It was supposed to be your time.
DeleteI feel some resentment sometimes towards my son and my grandson's mother, and even my grandson's aunt and other grandma, all of them are happy to go on with their lives while my husband and I do the heavy lifting. Life is hard.
Honestly, I'm stressed by your list. It's so long. If it were me (and it's not), I would prioritize and try to do a couple things each month, if feasible. That will give you a sense of accomplishment. Happy most of the time, no. Content a lot of the time, yes. I'm not a joyful person but I'm a quiet appreciator of the small things, if that makes sense. I think you're awfully hard on yourself. Many of us, me included, would hesitate to take on the care of a youngster full-time. Jack is so fortunate to have you and the Big Guy in his life.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to do everything all at once, just slowly over the next decade.
DeleteI am grateful for many things, it's just that sometimes, I feel dead inside and I hate that feeling.
I'm pretty sure that if you had to, you would do the same with your grandsons.
I think Sabine is right. I found it very difficult to slow down when I retired and often felt guilty when I was doing nothing in particular. Allow yourself time to do nothing - you've earned it!
ReplyDeleteI'm not much good at doing nothing either, I tend to bake or cook something when I'm bored:)
DeleteThis posting just helped me see something differently. I had a difficult time understanding forgiving without the other person asking for forgiveness - isn't that just letting someone get away with something? I just realized I can for-give - the thing I am GIVING back is FOR them - it never belonged to me in the first place. I picked it up thinking it was mine. It was theirs.
ReplyDeleteI like this and thank you for sharing it. I have a hard time forgiving myself.
DeleteI guess I look for contentment more than happiness. I think happiness is something that comes here and there. It wasn't until after my mother died in 2020 that I found myself letting go. You will find your contentment as your daily life finds a new rhythm. Rent the RV.
ReplyDeleteIt's not so much happiness I strive for, I just want to not feel like I'm dead inside, so often.
DeleteThis is a beautiful post, so open hearted and unflinching; not many people can look at themselves so clearly, so I'd say you're way ahead of the curve. I ask myself this, too; what does it feel like to actually be mostly happy in life? Are most people really just faking it? But I love your retirement to do list. Best of all, every item on it is very doable. Thanks, too, for the Buddhism prayers. I need them.
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, this is a beautiful post. I hope your depression improves. You are helping so many people in your working and family life. I admire you and send my best wishes.
ReplyDelete