The weather has taken a turn for the worse.  It snowed for much of yesterday, which I don't mind.  There isn't enough snow to make the roads awful, yet, but it's also supposed to snow all day today again.  It's cold and with the wind chill it's -32C, time for boots, hats and mittens.

I'm off today and thought about taking the dogs to the dog park but they both just came inside from the backyard, holding at least one foot up from the cold, so that's a no go; they were only outside for a few minutes.  I'll cook and do laundry today.  I made a Walmart stop on the way home from dropping off Jack at school and hubby at work, so I have what I need to make chili and Marry Me Chicken.  I made this chicken recipe about a week and a half ago and OMG it was delicious.

I'm counting down the days to retirement in August, 135 days left:)  I still plan on working after I retire but it will be when I want to work.  I'll have more time off and a burden will be lifted off of my shoulders.  Right now when I work, I look ahead and worry about the coming week and think about which days to do laundry, to vacuum, what meals can I make easily when I get home at 4:30pm and we eat at 5pm (for Jack).  I need to know what groceries I need and the list goes on and on.  I'm often too tired to shop or think after work, so a few less days of work will be lovely.  

The thing is, every working mother thinks like this.  One of my coworkers has five children and another has four children; I don't know how they manage.  They also take their children to jiu jitsu lessons, hockey, walk the dog, go out with girlfriends and go to bed after 8pm.  I'm lucky we only have Jack but I am a lot older than my coworkers, old enough to be their mothers.  The thought of going out after supper overwhelms me.  I put on my pyjamas when we get home, I make supper, clean up and give Jack a bath.  I'm even too tired to read.  I look at blogs but my brain doesn't really function well in the evening. That's what I can do right, but there is an end in sight.  To be honest, not really an end, just a change.

Jack starts kindergarten in September and I'm signing him up for kindergarten in the Park here.  I know two things.  Gracie will fuck it up and not register him in time for any school, and Gracie will also go off the rails in August or September, at least, that's what she's done for the last four years.  I will not have her fuck up Jack's first day of school.

Jack is spending time alone with his mom now.  We told Gracie she needed a landline for Jack to call 911 if need be, and we taught Jack how to call 911 and what to tell the people who would answer.  It's a big ask for a little person but he needs to be safe and to feel safe.  Gracie still doesn't have a job and I will not let Jack spend more time with her until she is working again and can prove that she can manage to hold down a job without drinking or drugs.

Work has been busy, always new patients for staging.  I had a patient yesterday with IBM yesterday, I'd never heard of the disease but he had a lot of muscle wasting, along with his cancer.  And his wife died a month ago, just before Christmas.  His eyes teared up when he told me about his wife and of course I started crying.  Bloody hell, people go through so much suffering sometimes.  

We also had a new nurse start.  She'll be casual and works in systemic which is where patients get their chemo.  I've known her for ten years I guess but we've never really talked much.  Yesterday we talked about the weight of the grief that nurses carry, and how it's never really addressed or acknowledged by our employer.  That weight is what makes me so tired, and her as well apparently.

Perhaps I will do more work with grief when I retire, nurse's grief specifically.  I did take one course on grief about a year a half ago and wanted to do something within our institution, but life.  It could still happen I suppose.