Not much going on around here, some rough days for me mentally but things are back on stable ground thank goodness. I'm still walking the dogs as much as I can, sometimes just Heidi, sometimes Heidi and Lucy. Lucy is enjoying the walks a great deal and I'm walking slower to give her time to sniff everything. Heidi will be eight this year and I've noticed that she doesn't run as fast with the young dogs as she used to, neither do I:)
My foot is feeling good and I'm still waiting to hear from my insurance company about the course that is vital to my successful return to work. From what I can see, the company is more concerned with algorithms and ticking off boxes than individuals. I have an appointment with my podiatrist on March 11th, so I'll give them until then. Otherwise, my doc and I will decide what will ensure my successful return to work.
Jack woke up at 3:30am on Saturday morning and stayed up. Saturday was a truly unpleasant day in which both nana and poppa said bad words. Jack now points out to us when we say a bad word which is so helpful. When Jack is tired he gets quite hyperactive and doesn't listen to anybody. We had to leave swim lessons early and I carried a crying child past all of the other parents standing around, watching their children learning to swim. It would have bothered me when I was younger but I'm old enough now to understand that every single parent watching me has dealt with the same screaming child. He also didn't want to eat, although he did drink a lot of milk. He was sound asleep by 6:30pm and everybody was so much happier Sunday morning.
I'm reading another good book (there are so many good books in the world), "Breath" by James Nestor. It's about breathing and breathing exercises which sounds dull but he's an excellent writer. I've started doing some of the exercises and I guess we'll see. I did manage to calm myself in the car yesterday when I had to drop Jack off with his mother but she was a no show and her phone was dead (a common occurence with her). I ended up dropping Jack off with his grandma and then raced across the city to pick up Miss Katie, who was also having an off day. The exercises are specific, which I need, not just breathe in and breathe out. This exercise involves counting which keeps my brain busy enough to keep going with the breathing.
One of the people mentioned in the book is a man called Wim Hof who claims his breathing methods can cure all kinds of problems. I was thinking about what I would like to have cured and I decided I would like to no longer have to deal with disordered thoughts and depression. I would love to be able to trust my own thoughts, to not feel broken, to not have to work so hard to appear normal, because let me tell you, it's hard fucking work dealing with depression day in and day out.
But everything is not dire and humour helps, always.
I am waiting with bated breath to learn what miraculous things will be revealed in the return to work class. If it's that important, why don't they schedule it? Glad the foot is good.
ReplyDeleteThey haven't scheduled it yet because they have a backlog. I'm curious to see what they recommend as well.
DeleteI don't trust all my own thoughts anymore. Just because they come unbidden -- I haven't chosen them, come up with them consciously; they usually appear on their own, segueed into by the thought immediately before -- and because they simply are not always true. Oh they may seem true enough in the moment, or they may have a kernel of truth, but when I'm in another state of mind -- nope. Then I'm more likely to see the whole picture instead of just what my mood hung my thoughts onto. Anger and resentment, especially, give credence to thoughts that I don't really, deep down, believe. And then anxiety, well, anxiety is a liar, an exaggerator, a catastrophist.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're writing about these things; it's good to see how you approach them, and how your other readers handle them. -Kate
When I was deeply depressed years ago, I saw a bumper sticker that said, Don't believe everything you think. I'm glad I'm not the only one, thank you for sharing.
DeleteIn the past during a very stressful time in my life, I learned how to induce "the relaxation response" by means of a breathing exercise. I found it effective. I would assume it's covered in the book you're reading. Good luck with it!
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing it was one of the breathing techniques the author talks about. It's good to know it helped others.
DeleteThat meme is funny! I hope she really did say that. After I had a brain injury I became really depressed. I have come to realize I have been all my life, I was just so accustomed to the feeling I didn't realize what it was. The TBI just heightened what had always been there. I say that depression steals your life. I have good and bad days. I don't know how I would handle the situation you have found yourself in. My guess? Not well. You are strong. Even the strong wear down.
ReplyDeleteTBIs tend to make everything worse it seems. Depression is an ugly disease and I would be so happy (literally!) to not have to deal with it.
DeleteI swear to you- one of these days I'm going to start a meditation practice. I just heard a guy on a podcast today talking about how much it has helped him to understand so much better how his mind works. To be able to observe from a distance that the mind just pops out thoughts all the time, some of them worthy of following, some of them absolutely not. We know that depression and anxiety fill us with thoughts and feelings that have no basis in reality. I really do wonder if meditation would help us not just to recognize that but to be able to deal with them better.
ReplyDeleteThe book isn't about meditation though, which I've never had much success with, it's about breathing techniques. There is also information about treatment for anxiety which is interesting and being researched; ithas to do with carbon dioxide treatment. Who knows if it works but there is a doc doing research on it.
DeleteAnything that can help with anxiety and depression can only be good. I find that when I am particularly bad I forget to breathe and find myself holding my breath. That can't be good!
ReplyDeleteYour ongoing management of Jack continues to impress and inspire. You and The Big Guy are amazing grandparents. Don't all children learn bad words from their grandparents?
Jack pointed out to his poppa the other day that fuck is a bad word. Sadly, that is nana's favorite word.
DeleteBreathing therapy sounds like something I need about now with everything going on around here. Did you end up enjoying "Lessons in Chemistry?" I know you started out liking it. Glad your foot is doing better and you're getting more sleep.
ReplyDeleteYou could probably get the book from the library. It's very readable and enjoyable.
DeleteI loved "Lessons in Chemistry". One of my favorite books in awhile. The main character was an amazing woman.
Glad to hear that Sunday was better than Saturday after the bad words had been spoken. Was it about the dishwasher?
ReplyDeleteI just noticed today that there is a small hole in the wall in Jack's room; he must have thrown something at the wall. All of us had a bad day on Saturday. None of the swearing involved the dishwasher. I love my dishwasher.
DeleteIt's odd that you mention breathing techniques because we started up "spring yoga" yesterday with its ascending energy. She asked if anyone had allergies and I replied that I occasionally (only occasionally) get hay fever, so she told us today we were going to practice "mudras" (breathing techniques) that would help with that. I came out of there and my bloody nose dripped like a tap all day! I would point out that I'm a cynic and only go to yoga for the physical exercises, but more and more I'm beginning to think there might be "something to this stuff", so good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteWho knows? At worst, I will be breathing better.
DeleteI immediately breathed deeply a couple times when reading this post. Now I must find that book.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the book, obviously.
DeleteThere's a copy of the Breath book in the house, my man read it last year and lectured me over dinner for several nights. He got deeply involved in various techniques for about a month (?), but has since moved his interests elsewhere, funghi and rhyzomes actually. I shall have a look now.
ReplyDeleteWim Hof is very famous here but I am always extremely skeptical with claims re strengthening of the immune system. It's really not that simple, we may be able to support some immune functions with supplements or exercises, but there is no such thing as THE immune system, it's a delicately balanced and complicated set of activities in our bodies. I say this as someone with an autoimmune disease (which is caused by several overactive immune functions) and if you give me a penny for every time someone suggests to me that I need to strengthen my immune system with this or that or the other, I'd be rich by now.
I like looking at your pretty snow views but I am more than happy that we don't have any.
I am very skeptical of Wim Hof and his claims as well, but as my friend says, you do you.
DeleteYour husband sounds like an interesting man, someone who loves learning.
As for autoimmune diseases, like so many things, there is no simple fix. Autoimmune diseases remind me of cancer, our own bodies gone haywire, with multifactorial causes.
We're having our last (hopefully) cold snap and then maybe spring will be on it's way, or not. One never knows. We haven't had a lot of snow this winter, or rather, some of our snow has melted already due to mild temps in the middle of winter. Strange times.
I don't know where I'd be without my meditation practice and mindful breathing. That certainly doesn't mean that I'm in a constant state of bliss or peace (as you very well know!), and I wouldn't say that the practice is "helpful" in the sense of achievement. It's very much a way to live, though, and sometimes the only way for me. Plus, I find the brain and all of its intricacies fascinating.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI've tried meditation a number of times but have always given up because my brain won't shut up. The box breathing techniques at least keeps my brain busy enough to let me do the breathing.
DeleteI find the brain fascinating as well. Next life, definitely going to study neurology.
I've tried meditation a bunch of times and never managed to maintain a practice just because I'm so disorderly. But I did get far enough to realize that it's not failure if your mind is going a mile a minute. The point is to kind of step back and look at it it. Sometimes a useful thing is to label the thoughts, so worrying, planning, remembering, judging, picking on self, mourning, etc. Then maybe you can leave that rut and see what the next one that comes up is.
ReplyDeleteMy husband's father was a genuine Indian yogi, and my husband learned all that stuff from infancy. Sadly, he was never a very good teacher of me. But he did point out The breath is the connection between the autonomic systems, that go on without our conscious volition (heart beating, digestion etc), and The conscious system that we control. Breathing can be either conscious or not. So it makes sense that doing things with the breathing consciously will have effects on the rest of the body / mind. I can cure hiccups pretty consistently with the so-called tranquilizing breath, , in one nostril and out the other repeat back and forth (use finger or thumb to close the non-used nostril, indexfinger on the third eye makes it easy) I didn't know there was a book all about this kind of breathing technique but I'd say it's definitely worth taking seriously. I will have to check it out myself!
P.s. Love Eleanor Roosevelt!
DeleteUgh -- that sounds like a challenging day with Jack! Glad Sunday was better. Kids just want what they want sometimes. Hence, tantrums!
ReplyDeleteI was so skeptical of that Eleanor Roosevelt quote because it doesn't sound like something she'd say at all -- but apparently she really did say it, during a speech to a Shriners group in Fresno, Calif.