It's been a tough week and I'm exhausted. Jack is back with us fulltime and his mom is in hospital, having a psych evaluation, we hope. It's also the anniversary of the suicide of his other grandfather so that side of his family is dealing with that and Gracie's meltdown.
Last night Jack asked the big guy if he could be his dad. Jack talks about his dad a lot and his dad's house and keeps telling random boys that they're his brother. Jack doesn't have contact with his dad but he does have a very active imagination. I don't know what to do really. Contact with his dad will hurt him more because my son is a sociopath but will he resent us in the future for not letting him know his dad. And who knows what will happen in the future.
Jack also had a huge meltdown this morning while getting ready for daycare. There was a lot of screaming and crying while I got him dressed but by the time I got him in his carseat, he had settled down and said, "I better now." Apparently he was worried he was going someplace new, fortunately, his old daycare was able to take him back so all is familiar and his best friend was there this morning.
I wondered this morning as I was dressing a screaming, crying child, how much of it was due to Gracie and how much of it was due to being a normal three year old. Jack is difficult and he has learned if he's difficult enough, people will back off and let him do as he pleases, not his Nana though. It's so hard for me to stay patient, but I do, or I walk away and take a breath. It breaks my heart though as he tries to exert some control over his life and the grownups do as they please, or so it must seem to him.
I'm angry at Gracie again. And my son. They had no business bringing a child into this world. A part of me resents having to start parenting again at this age but I would not let a child go unloved or uncared for. It's not Jack's fault that he was brought into this world, or that his parents are completely unable to care for him.
Weekends are the hardest because we have Jack and Katie on Sundays, both require huge amounts of energy and attention. Lately Katie has been having a hard time too; she's starting to hurt herself again and has had an open cut on her forehead for weeks now because she keeps banging her head on the corner of the wall. I noticed yesterday that she has a sore on her wrist too and that comes from banging her hand against her teeth. Of course she can't tell me what's bothering her but something is. All behavior is communication I've learned.
It's early days. Jack will settle into a routine again, as will we. Katie will get sorted; she has a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow so I'll bring up her behavioral changes.
On the plus side, I'm having lunch with a friend this week and I ran into another friend I used to work with, from Victoria, yesterday at Southgate Mall. We hadn't seen each other in a year and ran into each other in the bathroom. Small world indeed.
For what it's worth, from memory I can assure you that getting my toddler ready in the mornings was a HUGE thing most days and as I watch her now with the grandchild, trying to speed things up, tricking and cajoling and getting stressed, I feel a tiny bit of "there you go". You both have my full admiration for taking on this parenting challenge.
ReplyDeleteWith Jack I'm never sure if it's me, his mother or just normal being a jerk three year old. I mentioned it to his other grandma and she said Jack's probably been watching his mom have temper tantrums his whole life.
DeleteYou would have to be some sort of other-worldly saint not to resent at least a little bit, having to take on child care at this stage of your life. That is just a simple truth.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, I know that you and your Big Guy are going to do everything within your power to bring that boy up with love and care and tenderness. It is NOT his fault that he was brought into this world. He is a beautiful little soul and I am so glad he has you.
I'm sorry that Miss Katie is having a hard time of it. I am sending you hugs, dear woman.
I'm definitely no saint. I am a bitchy, difficult woman with a very good sense of humour:)
DeleteTime will tell what happens with him. Hopefully it's good.
My older daughter wrote on a photo of my grandson this morning, "He had a morning so I had to pick out his clothes." (He's 2 1/2) I think some of Jack's behavior is due to trying to exert control over his life and emotions. But the added mess undoubtedly exacerbates his feelings. I'm so happy you could get him back into his old daycare; he needs that stability. My OD is moving my grandson from the KinderCare to a Montessori daycare closer to their house. I don't know if this is the best idea but it's not my choice to make. Sigh. Hope Katie's behavioral changes can be figured out and helped.
ReplyDeleteI know some of it is normal three year old behavior but I always wonder how much. I definitely think he wants some control in his life too and we do try to give him choices but sometimes there are no good choices.
DeleteThat's a tough call on Jack interacting with his dad. My mother was a sociopath and I would have been better off without her, but if I hadn't known her I can't say that I wouldn't have resented it. People with personality disorders are so destructive. I admire you for your insight and compassion. I'm sorry Katie is hurting herself.
ReplyDeleteIt's a rock and a hard place. I tried to protect my son from his biological father and that didn't work either.
DeleteThat's a lot on your plate. I am amazed at your wisdom in behaviors and reasons for it. Wishing you the strength to do what needs to be done.
ReplyDeleteI need the strength to get out of bed:) Thank you.
DeleteIt's a lot. I'm happy that Jack's old daycare took him back. You do the best you can, that's all you can do. You and the big guy are the best port in the storm for Jack.
ReplyDeleteJack is starting to settle in again which is nice and makes our lives easier.
DeleteJack and Katie are lucky to have you. Three year olds push buttons but they also copy behaviours to see what works. You are doing an amazing job. Just don't lose sight of you through this all.
ReplyDeleteJack loves pushing buttons, literally and figuratively. He is an imp.
Delete"All behavior is communication." Yes, I'll remember that. And everyone is just doing their best, and so on. But sometimes ... couldn't the powers that be just let me out of here!!?? Jack will soon be through the tough-on-parents years, till he hits his teens anyway. I wish you didn't have so much to deal with. Be good to yourself -- be good to yourself -- be good to yourself. xoxox Kate
ReplyDeleteI had a massage this morning, which is good for me. It's the only thing I do for myself and it helps so much.
DeleteIt sounds like you have your hands full. Something we don't imagine dealing with when we are older.
ReplyDeleteNope, I did not imagine parenting again. I started young and have just kept going.
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