My mother in law called this evening and my father in law is doing poorly again. Then the police called and we were worried it was about Jack but it was about my son. The police officer just wondered if I would make a statement regarding why and how I called 911 in March with regards to my son and his wife. The phone calls upset both me and my husband.
I didn't realize how much they had upset me until I started looking for something but couldn't find it; it was a hand written note I had made about some rambling voicemails my son had left me in February. The voicemails made very little sense but I made notes and now I can't find them. A lot of memories came flooding back while I was looking for those notes, none of them good sadly and now I can't sleep.
I'm feeling sad mostly. Sad for my son, sad for his sons, sad for my father in law, sad for my husband. I could feel myself starting to spin in place and decided instead to write it down. The tears came but that's okay. I'm feeling overwhelmed again but that too will pass. I want to fix, to change things and can't. I suck at acceptance and yet that's what is required.
My father in law is dying.
My son is in jail.
My grandsons are okay.
I can't change these, no matter what I do.