My mother in law called this evening and my father in law is doing poorly again. Then the police called and we were worried it was about Jack but it was about my son. The police officer just wondered if I would make a statement regarding why and how I called 911 in March with regards to my son and his wife. The phone calls upset both me and my husband.
I didn't realize how much they had upset me until I started looking for something but couldn't find it; it was a hand written note I had made about some rambling voicemails my son had left me in February. The voicemails made very little sense but I made notes and now I can't find them. A lot of memories came flooding back while I was looking for those notes, none of them good sadly and now I can't sleep.
I'm feeling sad mostly. Sad for my son, sad for his sons, sad for my father in law, sad for my husband. I could feel myself starting to spin in place and decided instead to write it down. The tears came but that's okay. I'm feeling overwhelmed again but that too will pass. I want to fix, to change things and can't. I suck at acceptance and yet that's what is required.
My father in law is dying.
My son is in jail.
My grandsons are okay.
I can't change these, no matter what I do.
Acceptance of what cannot be fixed or changed is a Process we move thru and it's never easy and I suck at it too. I try not to think too much and get inside my Head about it... about the what ifs or whys or make unfair comparisons of how other Families seem to have more Buttercups, Rainbows and Unicorn Farts... and of coarse they really don't, but the Illusion is often there of what 'Normal' looks like. *Winks* Virtual Hugs, it all can be Too Much sometimes my Friend, Process it, as you're able.
ReplyDeleteYou have a husband who thinks you're wonderful and loves you. And so do I. xxxxx
ReplyDeleteI'm reading one of Eckhart Tolle's books like a bible; dipping into it here and there as a refresher. His teachings have been the most meaningful and helpful to me over the past few years; they've made a big difference in my ability to cope with uncomfortable situations. One of the things he says, in advising non-resistance and staying present, is "Don't mind what happens." Easier said than done, I say! Because how do you not mind what happens, when you damn well DO mind?! It's a frequent challenge, isn't it, when there seems to be so much to be sad or anxious about. "This too shall pass," I say to myself with gritted teeth. But oh how some present moments are miserable! You're not alone there, my friend. -Kate
ReplyDeleteAcceptance is the hardest thing. And of course, as in the sobriety prayer, it requires wisdom to determine the things we cannot change.
ReplyDeleteSending love to you along with gratitude for that beautiful photograph.
ReplyDeleteWhat a hard place to be in. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteYou have been given such a hard row to hoe in your life ... it breaks my heart! You come across as such a kindhearted, loving person that the barriers in your life just do not make any sense!
ReplyDeleteAnd yet ... You fight on and you seem to win the battle in the end ... however, we can all see how it is whittling away at you! Thank God for your husband and little Jack keeping you grounded! You are definitely not alone! ❤️
Oh, that's hard. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot on your plate right now. No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. Writing it down is good. Tears are OK. Feeling sad is normal. You are doing a great job dealing with everything that life has thrown at you.
ReplyDeleteSo very hard! Acceptance is difficult (sometimes impossible) for me but I try to remember that I can't control much of anything. Sometimes not even myself. Thinking of you and hoping that you will find some peace.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you feel sad. It takes a lot of strength to accept things the way they are and realise nothing you can do can change them. We all want to feel that we have the ability to put things right, and when we can't we feel hopeless. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say, except I'm sending you huge hugs from across the pond!
ReplyDeleteI wonder why you feel "sad for my husband"? I have the impression that he has been a rock in your life.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know you, but from occasional readings of your blog, you seem like a person with a deep well of decency and an appealing dog. Keep going.
ReplyDeleteWhat anonymous said.
ReplyDeleteAlso, surrender is indeed painful yet in some situations, imo, necessary. Sorry you're going through this.
Sending love.
ReplyDelete