Wednesday, November 11, 2020

 Woodpecker at our birdfeeder.

The little guy has gone home to his mama;  she's feeling much better thank goodness and her test came back as COVID negative.  We had our grandson for five nights and yesterday after work it was quiet and peaceful and boring and lovely.  We love having him and last night his abscence made me appreciate the monotony of our lives without him too.  

Yesterday was the ninth anniversary of our first date.  It seems like the big guy has been in my life much longer and sometimes I'll even ask him about something that he couldn't possibly have been around for.  Sometimes I call him by my ex husband's name but to be fair, sometimes I call my ex husband by the big guy's name so it all evens out.

Work continues on.  New cancer patients and old cancer patients.  Yesterday I had a patient who told me that he's been coming to our clinic for six years and I've been here the whole time.  Sadly, I didn't remember him but we have so many patients.  We scan over three thousand patients a year, plus biopsy patients, plus central line patients.  Some people I remember and some I don't.

Winter is here which means I have to force myself to spend time outside.  Once I'm outside I'm usually good but it's so easy to hiberate.  Add to that, how short the days are and it's very easy to come home from work and put my pyjamas on.  

Today is Rememberance day, a day I hated as a child.  I grew up in a small town and Rememberance day meant visiting the Cenotaph for a service, usually in freezing cold weather, and then the rest of the day spent at home while my dad went to the Legion to drink and hang out with his buddies.

My father has been dead for twenty years now and it's taken me that long to start to understand him and to forgive him.  I was thirty-seven when he died, taking care of kids and dealing with Katie and my ex husband.  My dad's anger always scared me but it understand where it came from now and I wish I could talk to him one more time, to tell him that I love him and that I forgive him.  He did his best, it wasn't great, but it was his best.  

I found an old letter from my mum the other day and in it she said that dad always bragged about his kids to people.  He was from a different time and he never praised us.  When he died, mum told me that I was dad's favorite and that floored me because that's not what it felt like to me.  

So today, I send a hug to my father, wherever he may be.  I pray that he found the peace that he never found in life.

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