The little guy and Lucy having a great time.

Our grandson visited with his dad yesterday.  My son asked for five hours visits, the judge gave him two hours and my son spent less than an hour yesterday spending time with his son.  My son wanted to take his son swimming yesterday, the judge and everyone agreed on the library and my son was livid.  I sat in the library knitting, trying to appear calm while my guts were tied in knots.  I am terrified of anger, especially angry men, a throwback to my father I'm guessing.  My father never laid a hand on me, he didn't have to, I was terrified of his anger.  Even typing this makes me cry.

But I'm a grown woman know, I understand where my father's anger came from but my gut doesn't forget.  Later in the day my son texts me as if everything is fine and the disconnect gets worse for me.  I was there, I remember how angry he was and he pretends as if everything was normal.  I won't pretend anymore.

My grandson is safe, I fullfilled my obligations, I did what I could.

I also cancelled Thanksgiving dinner which was causing me far more stress than I realized and my sister in law emailed me back;  she felt relieved that I had cancelled and thanked me.  My brother is diabetic and she worries about him getting COVID.  We will see each other another time.

Life continues on.  We will pick up Miss Katie this morning but no walk today.  It's windy and raining right now.  We will drive by the horses, drive to the dog park to look at the dogs and then we'll have a walk in the mall and some lunch, topped off by a balloon.  

I feel like I'm waiting, like we're all waiting, for life to start again.  I remember feeling like this when I was younger.  Life will start when...   But this is life right now, a part of life and I need to remember that.  

Stay safe my friends.