Wednesday, August 14, 2019

A photo I took while at Shannon Falls north of Vancouver.  It's for the ceiling in the CT room, something for patients to look at while getting their CT scans.

I came across this website through a friend on Facebook, thanks John.

The School of Life and The Book of Life

I've found it to be a good site for me this week.  I'm struggling with an overwhelming desire to throttle someone and protect someone else.  I did not have good models while growing up with regards to dealing with stress, anger, conflict, etc.  My father shouted and stormed out of the house and my mother cried and manipulated.  Needless to say I learned both of these methods of dealing with problems.  I'm not blaming my parents, just stating facts.

My own children didn't learn how to deal with problems very well either.  I was depressed and angry and my ex-husband was a depressed alcoholic.  Poor buggers.

I am learning now and I hope that my own children continue to learn and grow as they mature.  I have always tried my best and still I fail at dealing with conflict in a constructive manner.  My fear of rejection is so overwhelming that it feels hard to breath at times when someone I love is angry with me.  It is physically painful.  I lash out like an angry cat and then curl into a ball to protect myself.  For fifty-seven fucking years.  I suppose there is hope for me in that I don't want to keep doing this and want to do better.  It's just so damned scary and painful.

I hate feeling vulnerable, like every other human being on the planet I imagine.  It's also so much easier to write things down than to speak them out loud.  I can cry and type at the same time:)

So today I am thankful the sun is shining.
That I got to kiss my grandson goodbye before they left for Grande Prairie.
That I'm off work today.
That I have time to relax.
That there is sourdough bread in this world.
That I can still learn.

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