Thursday, July 25, 2019
One of the big guy's shots taken as we approached the iceberg that we saw out in Newfoundland. Gives you a better perspective of how large it was.
I saw my counsellor this week because I've been feeling overwhelmed and depressed. Mostly we talked about my son, an ongoing theme with me. She pointed out that I should not be letting him disrespect me or be verbally abusive with me. She also suggested I lower my expectations of him. I expect him to tell the truth to me. I find it disrespectful when he lies to me and then I get angry. She suggested I meet him where he is, stop asking questions I don't want to know the answers to and accept that for now, he and I will not have a genuine relationship.
I hate being lied to. My son's biological father lied to me about everything. My son has a half brother who is only two weeks younger than he is. Fortunately I didn't learn about that until much later. When you to lie to someone you destroy your own credibility. It makes a genuine relationship impossible because you have no idea of who they really are. We all lie, usually to avoid uncomfortable situations or feelings and I get that. I lie to myself all the time and maybe that's what bothers me too.
I tell myself that I'm fine, even when I'm not. Even when depression is dragging me down into the black hole. I hide my depression because it makes people feel uncomfortable. Because it makes me feel weak, like I just can't deal with life and what the fuck is wrong with me. Mental illness still carries a stigma. According to Dr. Google, 5% of the Canadian population have reported symptoms of major depression in the last year. I'm part of a group.
I work on not being depressed. I walk. I spend time outside. I spend time with my grandson. I ask the big guy for hugs. I garden. I write. And still it stalks me.
Anyway. Enough. I can accept that my son will lie to me. There is nothing I can actually do about it. It's his life. It hurts me to see him flush his life away but there is nothing I can do that will change how he lives. I always forget that I have no control how other people behave.
I need to change my perspective.