Monday, April 15, 2019

Not really sure what I want to write about.  I feel adrift.  I'm not used to being home all day anymore.  I miss my routine, miss by patients and miss my friends at work.  Last week was busy enough, at a different hospital all week, but I feel out of sorts.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop I guess.  Waiting for the shit storm my son usually causes.  Hurting already for his son who will be lied to and disappointed by his father over and over again.  I hope that doesn't happen but in my experience it's what my son does.  Fucking hell!  It's the reason I left my son's father and now history is repeating itself.

I need to let go of expectations and worries and just live today.  If anyone out there knows how to do this, please let me know.

I'm reading "Becoming" by Michelle Obama.  I would like to have her as a friend.  I would like to have had her parents.  I wonder if I would have been different if I had different parents.  I'm not a bad person but I worry so much.  I'm like Mark Twain,   “I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” 

I am more like my mother than I would like to be.  She made catastrophes out of small things.  I try not to but still it happens.  I don't imagine I'm the only one either.

The sky is grey today, rain or snow today in the forecast.  It matches my mood.

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