Christmas has come and gone thankfully.  The big guy and I missed our granddaughters terribly.  Children are the reason for Christmas after all.

I see my family doc tomorrow to see how my antidepressants are working.  I'm feeling better.  Don't think about suicide anymore.  My intrusive thoughts have become less intrusive, they don't hang around all day like unwelcome guests.  I see my counsellor next week which I'm actually looking forward to.  She is a sane woman who asks good questions.

My counsellor pointed out to me that the big guy and I have let our children hold us hostage.  We both feel guilt for not being better parents when they were young.  I was twenty-one when my son was born.  I was a single mother who went back to work when he was five weeks old because I had no money.  When he was four months old I started nursing school which was full time for twenty-two months.  He was taken care of by my mother and day homes.  When he was almost three years old I met my ex-husband.

And yes I feel guilty for not spending more time with him.  For being tired and stressed and angry.  For not being a better mother.  For my poor choices when I was a young woman.  But I can't undo any of the past.  I have apologized to him but now I need to let go of my guilt and quit enabling him to be a child.  He is thirty-three years old and still acts like a child.  He's self centered, impulsive and thoughtless.  I put up with it because of my guilt.  It's not doing either of us any good.

The big guy has to quit doing penance as well.  He was an alcoholic and a workaholic.  He was not a good father.  He can't change that either.  He and his daughter need to work out their relationship if there is to be any reconciliation.  And she needs to grow up and stop blaming her father for everything that has gone wrong in her life.  The big guy never pushed his daughter to talk.  Maybe he knew she would just run away rather than have difficult conversations.  She doesn't like to look at how the world really is, she prefers to live in denial, in pretend land.  Her children will suffer because of this and she will in turn feel guilt and do penance.

Time to break the cycle.