Saturday, October 28, 2017
The big guy and I went to Jasper last weekend to visit friends and for a reprieve. There is a stand of aspen on the road up to Pyramid Lake that I always want to stop at for photos. I still don't have the photo I want but I'm getting closer. And then I started thinking about why I want a certain photo and what it means to me. I often feel lost in life, without direction.
I'm wondering if I feel lost in the woods like the old stories we used to read. Little Red Riding Hood going through the woods to visit her grandmother or Hansel and Gretel lost in the woods. Do I want to get lost in the woods? Or do I feel lost in the woods? I'm not sure but this stand of aspen calls to me every time we pass by. I get out of the car, the big guy stands watch over me, scanning the woods for bears and cougars, because he worries, because he cares. I wander, moving further into the woods, not sure of what I want but never quite finding it.
I live my life in images. I'm envious sometimes of people who love music so much. They attend concerts, have their favorites songs and artists. I like music. It's ok but it doesn't call to my soul that way images do. When I remember things, it's scenes I remember. When I go someplace new, when I see new things, it feels like drinking a wonderful elixir. The big guy used to wonder why I enjoy shopping and I've come to realize it's not buying that I enjoy, in fact now I rarely buy. It's the looking, the seeing that feels so good, like a long drink of ice cold iced tea on a hot day. It satisfies something within me.
A few weeks ago a friend emailed me out of concern. I had said I was fed up with all the negativity in the world. He suggested I try meditation. I've tried meditation many times. Never stuck with it. I often don't stick with things. I try things briefly. I like fast results. I am impatient. But now I have stuck with this for three weeks and I am proud of myself. I meditate for ten minutes a day. I often fail, my mind wanders and then I gently bring it back to my breath and to my mantra. I am being more gentle with myself. I look forward to this time now. It feels good. It slows me down, makes me sit. I do nothing but breathe for ten minutes.
I think part of what I love about trees is that they don't move, they don't hurry. They just are. They remind me to just be. Perhaps I'm not lost, perhaps I'm exactly where I need to be.