I miss my granddaughters.  Heart sick but it's getting better.  The scar will heal in time, just as the scar that came with Katie's diagnosis healed. 

I posted something on facebook last weekend I think.  I was feeling overwhelmed by life, by the world, by loss, by lies, by family.  A friend emailed and suggested I try to take better care of myself.  Suggested I try meditation.

I found a book in my bookshelf, a book from long ago when I was struggling with the decision to leave my husband.  It was only half read, as are most of my self help books.  The book is "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron.

“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”   A quote from her book.

And when I read this I realized that I always avoid difficult conversations.  I avoided them with my stepdaughter, afraid she would do exactly what she did which is run away.  I avoided them with my son, afraid he would cut me out of his life, which is what he did.  So my avoiding difficult conversations isn't working obviously and the universe basically spent the last month throwing that in my face.  Thanks for that:)

So it's time for difficult conversations.  Time to face my fears and put myself out there in a gentle, unaggressive way.  Time to put myself in harm's way which scares the hell out of me. 

And the meditation, it helps.  I've managed five days now.  I'll probably fail at some point but that's okay too.  I'll try again.  It's time for me to stop running away as well.