Lessons I Never Learned

I didn't have Mrs. Nelson in fourth grade to teach me.  Fourth grade was the year I learned about bullies.  I learned that I was different.  That I didn't fit in.  I learned that a friend could laugh at your public humiliation.  I learned that life is not fair.  I learned that school could become a living hell.

I never learned to stand up for myself.  Never thought I was worth standing up for.  I didn't understand the unwritten rules of childhood.  Didn't know that people lie.

I never learned how to trust love.  It always came with caveats.  Do this, don't do that.  Never unconditional, always conditional on my behavior.

I never learned how to be honest.  I only learned how to please others, even at my own expense.  Never learned to speak up and be heard over the shouting of others. 

I never learned to be kind to myself.  Never learned how to love myself. 

I never learned how to let go and enjoy the moment or how to stop being afraid.

I never learned to be.



Thank you to Elizabeth for introducing me to the poet Brad Aaron Modlin.